





BvBsit 



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Book__ 



Copyright N^_ 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



The Grafter^ 



Br 
BEN. H. KERNS 



Illustrations by H. G. PARSONS 




Crane CS, Company, Printers 

Topeka, Kansas 

1912 






Copyright 1912, 

By Ben. H, Kerns, 

Topeka, Kan. 



£CI.A309320 



TABLE OF CONTENTS 

Page 

Chapter I. A Side Line 7 

II. The Possibilities of Matrimony 38 

III. The Infallible Collection Agency 61 

IV. Proven Eligibility 89 

V. The Victimization of Charles Green. . . 115 

VI. SiMPKiNS AND Hawkins 152 

VII. Hawkins and Simpkins 207 

VIII. The Washington House 237 

IX. The Punishment Fits the Crime 271 



THE GRAFTER 



CHAPTER I. 
A SIDE LINE 

I was graduated from the High School of 

S , Kansas, at the age of eighteen. From 

the time that I had any ambition I had in- 
tended to be a lawyer. The life of the farm 
did not appeal to me, and I managed to work 
my way through a law school in St. Louis, 
with much hardship and self-denial. I passed 

well, and returned to S , to put out my 

shingle, believing my future secure. 

I thought that among my old friends 
clients would flock to me. I pictured my- 
self leading the Bar of the District, going to 
the Legislature, perhaps to Congress. I think 
I v/as as honest as the average. I was not 
particularly greedy for money, but I was 
greedy for success. I was unwilling to wait. 
I wanted everything quickly — right away. 
And when I found that the law business was 
a long, slow wait, it palled on me. 

(7) 



8 THE GRAFTER 

As the days passed the lack of seekers of 
legal advice made the future look less rosy, 
and for a week not a client made an appear- 
ance; an occasional farmer, however, would 
tie his horses in front of my office, but only 
to raise and later shatter my hopes by pass- 
ing my office unnoticed and entering some 
near-by store. 

The lack of business was so different from 
what I had expected that my only hope of 
success seemed blighted; I was almost dis- 
couraged and disheartened, and occasionally 
asked myseK if the assiduity and faithfulness 
I put forth in the acquirement of an honor- 
able profession were not slowly proving to be 
of insignificant consequence. 

One day as I was restlessly whiling away 
the time, a new thought came to me — I came 

to the conclusion that if I stayed in S and 

business continued in the future as it had in 
the past, I would of necessity be compelled 
to close up for lack of business. 

But one thing remained to be done, and I 
at once began to devise ways and means by 
which I might conduct something on the side. 
What it would be I was not long in making 
up my mind : I had heard of men who, with 



A SIDE LINE 9 

no capital, had started real-estate businesses 
and become prosperous and fairly well-to-do. 
Selling real estate was something that re- 
quired but little knowledge, and, with my 
legal and commercial education, I felt as well 
qualified as anyone else to sell real estate. 

I had one competitor in the real-estate busi- 
ness, but I completely ignored his presence, 
as far as competition was concerned, and be- 
gan to advertise, in a small way, for either 
farm or city property for sale or rent. 

Several farms were listed with me within 
a few days after the appearance of my first 
real -estate ad.; and one day a prospective 
buyer drifted into the office. He said he was 
in the market for, and would buy, if quoted 
a reasonable price, the first well-improved 
quarter-section of Rooks County land that 
was shown him. 

I told him I had a few very choice quarters 
on my list, and he suggested that he would 
look them over at any time. He said he had 
"just blew in from Texas" on the previous 
day ; that he was a stock-raiser, and had just 
marketed a train-load of cattle, and that he 
was going to invest in a farm. 

It looked like a sure sale to me. I hired a 



10 THE GRAFTER 

livery rig and spent an entire afternoon in 
showing him the farms that were Hsted with 
me, but after I had enumerated the many 
reasons why each farm I was showing him 
was a bargain, he seemed to have a prepared 
and memorized hne of excuses why that which 
he was shown was not what he wanted. 

On our return to town, I took the horse 
to the hvery stable and paid for its hire. I 
immediately went to the office, and it was 
there that I, disappointed as I was at not 
having made a sale when the prospects were 
so bright, devised and formulated a theory 
by which I later dumped the dear American "pub- 
lic for the appalling and stupendous sum of 
four hundred thousand dollars. 

I was a law;y^er and real-estate agent, at 
considerable expense in advertising and keep- 
ing up an office and other incidentals ; I was 
entirely upon my own resources, and I alone 
was responsible for what I did ; I had, since 
I first left home, pertinaciously striven to at- 
tain success by equitable and legitimate 
means, but finally came to the conclusion 
that the law business was a complete failure 
in so small a town, as was also the real-estate 
business. 



A SIDE LINE 11 

I had spent one half-day's time and two 
dollars in money for a livery rig, in the en- 
deavor to sell to one who promised to buy that 
which he was shown, but only to come to the 
conclusion that all he wanted was an outing 
at my expense. I asked myself such questions 
as : ''How many prospective buyers bought?" 
"Was not the real-estate business a farce, 
especially in so small a town?" And "Would 
it look just and feasible to property-owners 
for a real-estate agent to charge an advance 
fee, to cover (alleged) incidental expenses in- 
curred in connection with showing their prop- 
erty to possible purchasers?" 

My newly devised theory I thought was at 
least worthy of consideration and an effort 
to determine its practicability. 

My next caller was a local man, who said 
he had a store building of which he would like 
to dispose. I told him that, unlike other 
real-estate agents, I charged an advance fee 
of ten dollars in addition to a commission, 
and that I was confident I could dispose of his 
property in a reasonable length of time. He 
at first looked upon the advance fee with dis- 
favor, but I was not long in convincing him 
that it was only fair to both that he should 



1^ THE GRAFTER 

pay my required fee. He finally handed me 
a ten and left the office. 

I was very much elated and enthused over 
the merit of my new plan, and after he left 
the office I went to the local editor, paid him 
five dollars, and told him to run a large ad. for 
me. Five dollars will buy considerable space 
in a small town paper ; and in the next issue 
my name appeared under a very attractive 
ad. 

It was not very long until I was visited by 
numerous farmers who desired to dispose of 
their alleged valuable holdings, but the pros- 
pective buyers were few in comparison. The 
condition was partially attributable to a big 
boom which the town had undergone some 
two years prior thereto, which was followed 
by a complete crop failure, and as a result 
there was a general scarcity of money in that 
vicinity and the unfortunate farmers were 
eager to rid themselves of their holdings. 

For a month business was good, and in that 
time I had taken in considerable money, as 
about one out of every three property-owners 
paid me a ten before they left the office, some 
without manifesting the slightest aversion. 

I did not sell a single property, although 



A SIDE LINE 13 

each of my clients who Usted was given a 
short space in the local paper, which I of 
course paid for. 

But few purchasers called and none of them 
bought. 

However, it was but a few weeks until my 
advertising had reached its limitation, es- 
pecially through the local medium, and nearly 
all property-owners in the county who had 
desired to sell had either listed with me, or 
refused to do so because of their disapproval 
of the ten-dollar advance fee. 

However, I was not at all discouraged be- 
cause business had suddenly dropped off, as, 
after considering the small circulation of the 
local paper and the results even it had brought 
me, I immediately came to the conclusion 
that there was no limit to what might be 
done, and that the fundamental requisite to 
wealth by my new method of listing (not 
selling) real estate was judicious and per- 
sistent advertising. 

Although I looked upon my new method 
as perfectly legitimate, or was supposed to be, 
it might be considered in a different light by 
some because of the incentive to list new 
properties being greater than that to dispose 



14 THE GRAFTER 

of property already listed. However this 
might be, I decided to seek new quarters, and 
that they would be St. Louis. In a city of 
such size I would be in touch with various 
publications through the columns of which I 
might reach thousands of people ; and, too, 
it would be far more desirable to do business 
mostly by mail with irate clients, whose prop- 
erty I might fail to sell, than to advertise 
mostly in local mediums that were not far- 
reaching, and thus be compelled to deal with 
local clients personally, possibly resorting to 
fistic encounters to assuage their animosities. 
Even supposing my new method be looked 
upon as illegitimate and fraudulent (which it 
later proved to be), it could hardly be said 
that such would prove financially distressing 
to any one individual, as every client was 
charged the same fee, and almost any property- 
owner can easily part with the small sum of 
ten dollars. So, until my business would be 
proven legally illicit, I had a large field in 
which to work, and began to make arrange- 
ments to abandon my office and start up in 
St. Louis. 



A SIDE LINE 15 



THE EXACT SCIENCE OF THE BUSINESS. 

The day following my arrival in St. Louis 
I rented from a local real-estate man a 
second-story office room, and fitted it up as 
best I could with some office fixtures, and was 
ready for business. And from the money I 
had gathered up in my home town, my future 
bore a propitious aspect. 

I made my way to the publishing* house of 
one of the leading dailies of St. Louis, at 
which place I left a small advertisement, 
with instructions that it be run every issue 
for one week. In it I stated partially as 
follows : 

''I can sell your real estate, property or 
business, no matter where located, quickly 
for cash, in any part of the United States. I 
have formulated a new and systematic plan 
of selling real estate, which is wholly unlike 
that used by other so-called ' real-estate men ;' 
I can actually sell your property in thirty 
days from date of listing." 

I returned to my office to await results, 
and, in a few days after my inception, prop- 
erty-owners were calling at my office in such 
numbers that I was unable to answer all 



16 THE GRAFTER 

written inquiries from possible clients. (I 
suppose the poor dupes thought it was in my 
power to compel the next Legislature to pass 
a law making it a crime for those who had 
capital not to buy real estate, thus promoting 
Socialism.) 

The fact of so few insertions of so small an 
advertisement attracting so great a number 
of people would seem appalling to those 
familiar with the results obtained from ad- 
vertising; but persons who find it necessary 
to rely on the columns of publications to place 
them in communication with prospective 
buyers, would answer my advertisement where 
they would pass up hundreds of others un- 
noticed. There was a reason for it : My ad- 
vertising was the result of earnest and per- 
sistent brain-work on my part and my knowl- 
edge of human nature, and I always promised 
the public something definite for their money ; 
in fact, I promised clients definitely such im- 
probable things that it would have been ut- 
terly impossible to live up to my advertising. 

My plan was to charge a commission of 
two and one-half per cent, payable when a 
client's property was sold by me direct (and 
I cannot call to mind of ever having made a 



A SIDE LINE 17 

sale) . But before listing a property I charged 
an advance fee of ten dollars, which it was 
the understanding would be deducted from 
the two and one-half per cent, when a sale 
was made. 

I agreed and guaranteed to sell any prop- 
erty listed with me within thirty days from 
date of listing. (If, however, I failed to make 
a sale in thirty days, I further guaranteed to 
charge no fee for my services thereafter.) For 
this ten dollars each client was given less than 
fifty cents' worth of advertising, depending 
largely in which of the local papers I ad- 
vertised his property. 

That the reader may get an exact idea of 
the amount of advertising given a client in 
actual space, will say, for instance, if a local 
citizen listed a store building he would be 
given one, and sometimes two, insertions of an 
advertisement, such as the following, in some 
local paper with a small circulation and con- 
sequent cheap rates : 

"For Sale— Store building, $5,000.00. Box 256, St. Louis." 

Or, if a quarter of land was listed, the ad. 
would appear thus : 

"160 A. Imp. Wash. Co., Kas., $20,000.00, J. Q. Brown, 
Lynn, Kaqg. 



18 THE GRAFTER 

On the day following the insertion of an ad. 
containing properties for sale, a copy of the 
paper containing a brief description of each 
property was sent to the owner; or if I felt 
in a liberal mood, a client was given two in- 
sertions, in which case he would receive copies 
of both papers. 

In addition to the above, I frequently had 
lists printed containing a very brief descrip- 
tion of the property listed, but no client's 
property appeared more than once on these 
lists. These lists were mailed out to persons 
who made inquiry as to any property I had 
for sale. 

When I advertised property either in news- 
papers or on lists, I always inserted the 
owner's name and address, and devoted quite 
a little space in urging prospective purchasers 
to always take the matter of prospective 
purchases up with the ow^ner direct. My ob- 
ject in doing this was to avoid correspondence 
from which I would not be financially bene- 
fited, as the ten-dollar spots were what I was 
after. 

After six weeks or a couple of months my 
business had grown to such an extent that I 
found it absolutely necessary to increase my 



A SIDE LINE 19 

office force and get up a series of circular 
letters, with which to reply to the many in- 
quiries I was receiving. I soon had framed up 
a number of *' Answer" and *' Follow-up" 
letters in which I covered my plan most 
thoroughly, and which I used until I was 
later given my choice of discounting my then 
present methods of business or being in- 
dicted for fraudulent use of the mails. And 
that these letters proved to be "money- 
getters" from the start will be evidenced later 
in this story. 

With them I could answer any question 
that ninety-nine out of a hundred property- 
sellers would ask. And I had letters to apply 
to special occasions. For instance, if a prop- 
erty-owner would write telling me that he 
had confidence in my ability to sell his prop- 
erty but that his neglect to list was because 
of lack of funds, or because his wages had 
just been garnished, or because "the family 
produce had not been marketed," I would 
acknowledge receipt of his letter and assure 
him that his faith in my plan was appreciated. 
I would further state, that inasmuch as I 
had received many inquiries for and wanted 
just such a property as his on my list im- 



20 THE GRAFTER 

mediately, I had decided to make an unusual 
proposition to him ; that is, I inclosed him a 
note for ten dollars, filled out in my favor and 
due in thirty days, with eight per cent interest 
from date, and agreed to accept that in place 
of the ten-dollar cash retainer. 

This generally met with the approval of, 
and was accepted by, the party to whom such 
letters were written. Inasmuch as such notes 
were not made due until the expiration of the 
time in which I had promised to sell their 
property, such an offer could only be looked 
upon as being mutually fair. 

Such notes were almost as good as cash to 
me, and their disposition was both speedy and 
systematic. All were disposed of to a few 
advertising houses and publishers, with whom 
I had made a special and written agreement 
whereby they were to accept these notes for 
space in their publications at 90 per cent face 
value ; all notes so disposed of, however, 
were indorsed by me as payable '* without 
recourse on me in any event," which indorse- 
ment always excepts the indorsee from pay- 
ment. 

On written request from a possible client 
for information as to my plan and terms for 



A SIDE lin:^ ^1 

disposing of real estate, I acknowledged re- 
ceipt the same day, and assured the owner 
that his letter had received my careful at- 
tention ; that his property could certainly be 
sold for the price asked, provided it was 
properly advertised and aggressively pushed ; 
that there was a man somewhere who would 
buy it, and I was in position to find him, and 
do it quickly ; that I had made a careful and 
systematic study of the problem of bringing 
the party who wants to sell into communica- 
tion with the party who wants to buy, and 
experience had proven to me beyond all doubt 
that I had the only plan in use in the United 
States by which I could dispose of real estate 
or other properties in a specified length of 
time; that I did not confine my advertising 
to any one locality, as a buyer is often found 
where least expected; that my advertising 
reached millions of readers and almost in- 
variably brought about the desired results; 
that as soon as a property was listed with me I 
made a complete and systematic search of my 
files, and no person who had made inquiry for 
a similar property was ever dropped from my 
list until he had bought or was out of the 
market. 



22 THE GRAFTER 

After answering a prospective client's first 
letter, his name was indexed alphabetically 
in a book; and when a week's time had 
elapsed after my reply to his letter, if the 
prospective client had not listed, he was given 
follow-up letter No. 2, impressing upon him 
the importance of listing early if he really 
wanted to make a speedy sale ; and pointing 
out the fact that I wanted just such prop- 
erties as his on my Ust; that I had greater 
facilities, a more complete organization and 
a more resourceful system than other brokers ; 
that every transaction, large or small, would 
receive my careful attention ; that my terms 
were just as low as they could be and bring 
about the desired results ; that my methods 
for finding buyers were strictly up to date, 
and not one hundred years behind the times. 

I further pointed out that my advertising 
did the work ; that I knew what to advertise, 
when to advertise, and where to advertise; 
that a paper that is good to advertise a stock 
of groceries in, would probably never find a 
buyer for an undertaking business; that at 
that particular time I was short just two or 
three such properties, and that I was es- 



pecially anxious to list either theirs, or a 
similar property in their neighborhood. 

I daily received hundreds of letters from 
people who had previously made inquiry as 
to my plan, who would strongly urge that I 
list their property on different terms, and 
wait for the ten-dollar fee until I had sold 
their property. To all such I would reply 
to the effect that I could not consistently and 
would not deviate from my terms under any 
circumstances ; that I dealt with all clients 
fairly and impartially, and that a scavenger 
would be charged the same fee as would a 
banker or millionaire ; that no successful busi- 
ness man would grant one client a favor he 
could not grant to all. 

My daily receipts were greatly increasing, 
and, in addition to local dailies, I began to 
advertise quite extensively in farm journals 
and in magazines that are edited almost ex- 
clusively for the farmer. The farmers are 
easily duped, but my proposition on paper 
looked like such a straightforward and legit- 
imate proposition and such a square deal to 
all, that I would gain the confidence of even 
the most incredulous. 



^4 mE GHAFfEIi 

I was not only claiming farmers as victims, 
but my dupes soon numbered among the best 
class of people throughout the United States. 
Prominent local men of all professions who 
had property for sale would call at the office, 
and after a short session I would, in three 
cases out of four, talk them out of a ten before 
they left. Some were lawyers, doctors and 
politicians of the highest social standing, and 
were themselves busy figures in the com- 
mercial world. 

My advertising finally created much com- 
ment, not only through the local press, but 
papers throughout the Middle West often 
contained comment about my extensive ad- 
vertising ; and local real-estate men were con- 
siderably agitated over the manner in which I 
advertised, and the amount of space taken 
in some of the leading papers. 

Frequently I was visited by real-estate men 
who called more through curiosity than any- 
thing else, and to inquire as to my methods. It 
was an inexplicable mystery to some of them 
how I could afford to pay for such ads. as I 
was running. 

Some local real-estate men branded me as 
a fraud of the first water, and would warn 



A SIDE LINE ^5 

the public in their own Hmited advertising 
against *'A certain local fraud who styled 
himself 'Real Estate Specialist,' and who 
promised to sell property in all parts of the 
United States quickly for cash in thirty days." 

I soon notified the publishers who accepted 
such advertising from my competitors, how- 
ever, that if they expected future business 
from me they would reject all advertisements 
from my competitors containing admonitions 
against my business and character. And they 
did this. 

On the first day of January my daily re- 
ceipts were approximately five hundred dollars 
in postoffice money orders, drafts, checks, 
notes and currency, and I thought this suf- 
ficient to warrant the installation of something 
more elaborate and decorative in the way of 
office fixtures and furniture. I purchased 
several new office desks, about seventy-five 
sections of Globe- Wernicke sectional book- 
cases, and filled the latter with law books, that 
the office might bear a prosperous appearance ; 
I rented a room adjacent to the one then oc- 
cupied, and made arrangements with the 
landlord for a complete remodeling of the 
two rooms. And after this was done I had 



26 THE GRAFTEIi 

an office of which I was proud, and I do not 
think it could have been perceptibly sur- 
passed in costly and luxurious furnishings by 
any office in the city conducting a business of 
a like nature. 

I also increased my office force until I had 
eight young men from 18 to 25 years of age 
employed in clerical and stenographic capac- 
ities. 

I attributed my rapid progress in the busi- 
ness partially to the treatment doled out to 
my employes, all of whom were good workers, 
after becoming accustomed to my methods 
and what was required of them. In hiring a 
clerk I always promised a perpetual position, 
providing I received satisfactory services in 
return for my money. I started all clerks 
and stenographers in at the same wage, re- 
gardless of their ability, efficiency, broad 
general knowledge, or past records. 

In hiring a new man I paid him a fair and 
reasonable salary to begin with, and increased 
this weekly check as his services would 
warrant, until he received $15 per week. I 
would give almost any applicant a trial, when 
in need of a clerk, but if he was incompetent, 
or afflicted with **indolencitis," he lasted 



A SIDE LINE 27 

about twenty minutes and was told to get 
his hat and go, or be kicked down stairs ; if 
he was a whistler or a good vocalist, he would 
be accorded the same treatment, as I never 
would tolerate any such in my office. I was in 
business for myself, and was not running a 
kindergarten establishment at my expense 
for the purpose of making dependent children 
self-supporting. 

One of the first clerks I hired, and who 
later proved to be my right-hand man, was 
"Shorty McCann." I always called him 
Shorty because of his youth at the time of 
application. I gave him work only because 
of his persistency, and to do away with his 
frequent personal application. 

Shortly after I started up in St. Louis I 
put an advertisement in a local paper for a 
stenographer. I was putting in long hours, 
and always appeared on the scene of operation 
early in the morning, and at 7 : 30 A. M. on 
the day following the advertisement, a young- 
ster appeared in the doorway and blurted out : 
"Say, Mister, do you want a steno.^^" 
"Yes," I replied, "but you are too young." 
"Oh, I don't know. I know a few things," 
the kid said. 



28 a:HE GRAFTED 

But I told him that his adolescence was 
against him, and he slowly descended the 
stairs. In the next two days this youth made 
four personal applications for the job. The 
fourth time he called, he said: "If you need 
a good man, you'd better take me on," and 
further added that "youth was not necessarily 
incompatible to his chosen vocation." 

That's how I hired Shorty, and he was not 
long with me until he was drawing a check of 
twenty dollars per week and fifty cents per 
hour for overtime, and his services rendered 
were fully equivalent thereto. In fact, every 
hair in his head knew something and he could 
be trusted in any capacity. 

From early in the morning until an hour 
before quitting-time, every stenographer was 
at it hammer and tongs, either addressing 
envelopes or filling the address on form letters. 

With eight typewriters on the hum by 
skilled and speedy operators, it can easily be 
imagined the business that was done. If the 
incessant hammering of typewriters counted 
for anything, persons who called at the office 
personally must have thought I was conduct- 
ing a land-office business (whether I was sell- 
ing any land or not) . An hour was consumed 



A SIDE LINE 29 

each day in getting out the mail, which 
generally filled four waste-baskets to their 
capacity. 

In this each clerk cast all other duties aside 
and participated. A self -addressed envelope, 
a gummed label bearing my photo, and other 
literature were inclosed with each letter, and 
it always took a full hour's hustling to make 
inclosures for, fold and seal and later stamp 
from fifteen hundred to two thousand letters 
a day. About forty dollars a day was what 
I paid out for postage stamps. 

When my time was not taken during the 
day with advertising men or clients who had 
called in person, at all times it was consumed 
in opening up incoming mail. While I opened 
all mail, the only letters receiving personal 
attention were those pertaining to advertising 
— I merely picked out the tens and my clerks 
did the rest. 

Another feature of material aid in bringing 
in the money and winning the confidence of 
the people was a little booklet I wrote up 
containing many spurious testimonials and 
letters of recommendation, all of which were 
alluring, by the pen of some well-satisfied 
client. Some of these letters credited me 



30 THE GRAFTER 

with making a sale "in just a few days ;" some 
were acknowledgments of purported *' drafts 
for large sums," which would lead prospective 
clients to believe were my ''commission from 
some big deal ;" others credited me with being 
the ''Greatest Real Estate Specialist of the 
present day ;" others would contain something 
like this: "Your new method of selling real 
estate is certainly wonderful, and I never 
would have believed you could have made such 
a speedy sale." 

To some of these supposedly genuine testi- 
monials the name of some relative was ap- 
pended, and to them, of course, I frequently 
enclosed stamps with instructions to answer 
all possible letters of inquiry concerning my 
ability to sell property. 

AN UNEXPECTED GUEST. 

Everything had thus far gone peacefully 
as far as any disastrous interference was con- 
cerned, until one day one of Uncle Sam's 
emissaries drifted into the office, with a large 
burdensome package under his arm. He was 
a tall, athletic man with clear blue eyes, of 
perhaps thirty-eight years, and, from the 
time he entered the office, I had been aware 



A SIDE LINE 31 

of the quest of his errand as well as if he had 
been clothed in an American flag as emblem- 
atic of his vocation. 

"Are you the proprietor?" he asked. 

*'I am no other," I replied. 

"Well," he goes on, "I am here to talk 
with you personally." 

"I know it," says I, as he followed me into 
my consultation room, which was replete with 
luxurious leather chairs and other like fixtures, 
and might have been taken for the private 
office of some steel magnate or James Patten. 
He drops leisurely into a leather chair and 
says : 

"Please submit to me any literature you 
may have descriptive of your method of 
handling real estate, as well as any circulars 
or pamphlets pertaining to, or used in con- 
nection with, your alleged real-estate busi- 
ness." 

I rang the buzzer for Shorty and told him 
what was wanted. 

"You seem to be conducting quite a busi- 
ness," says the Post Office Inspector. 

"I am," says I; "in fact, I believe I am 
conducting one of the largest and most suc- 
cessful real-estate businesses in the country." 



S2 THE GRAFTER 

"Comprehensively interpreted," says he, 
'*I would take that statement to mean that 
your income is greater than that of any other 
real-estate agent or firm in the country." 

*^ Exactly," says I. 

Just then Shorty entered and handed me a 
judiciously chosen portion of my literature, 
circular letters, pamphlets, etc. 

"I believe it is your custom," says the Post 
Office Inspector, "to guarantee to sell a 
client's property in thirty days from the date 
of listing, in any part of the United States, for 
cash." 

"That's putting it rather incomplete," says 
I, "as you will note by my literature. It is 
true I guarantee to sell a property or business, 
no matter where located, quickly for cash, but 
in addition to the thirty-day proposition, I 
make a sub-guarantee, without which my 
main guarantee would be only provisional, and 
which is as follows: "If I fail to sell your 
property in thirty days, I further guarantee 
that I will make no charge for my services 
other than the ten-dollar fee." 

"That satisfactorily explains the guarantee 
clause," says the P. I., "but kindly inform me 



A SIDE LINE 33 

to what extent listed properties are advertised 
by you, or in other words, what a cHent re- 
ceives in return for the ten-dollar fee you 
charge?" 

"Every property listed with me," says I, 
"has been advertised in some paper, and in 
every case the paper containing the property 
offered for sale has been mailed to the owner. 
In addition to advertising property in papers 
and magazines, a description of the property 
of every client is printed on lists, which are 
later sent, with a circular letter, to all persons 
in the market for property who make inquiry ; 
and if you question my statement for a 
minute I can produce my record books, which 
show the exact date and in which paper each 
client's property has been advertised." 

"Let me examine them," says the P. I. 

I rang for Shorty. "Bring me property 
Books Nos. 1 to 10 inclusive," says I, and 
Shorty had placed them on the table before 
me in a jiffy. I turned to Book 1, page 1. 
"Here," says I, "is the first property listed 
with me after I started business in St. Louis. 
It consists of a stock of general merchandise. 
Owner, S. T. Stewart; price, $1,000; Box 



34 THE GRAFTER 

33, St. Louis. It has been advertised in the 

, and the owner was mailed a copy of 

each edition on the following day. 

''About what," says he, "is the proportion 
of listed properties sold by you.^" 

''I have kept no record of properties sold 
by me personally. Most sales," I continued, 
''come about between persons who see de- 
scriptions of desirable property in my ads. and 
take the matter of purchase up direct with 
the owner, whose name is always given in 
my advertisement; and, as a result, I am 
sure that hundreds of sales have been made 
through my advertising, of which I have 
never been advised, consequently in all cases 
I have been cheated out of a portion of my 
commission." 

"That's rather unfair on your client's part," 
says the P. I., and I pinched myself to keep 
from smiling. 

"It is," says I. 

"I have here," says the Postoffice Inspector, 
as he reached for his package, "about a hun- 
dred score of complaints against you and your 
methods of business from the same number of 
irate clients whose property, each alleges, you 
have failed to sell at the expiration of the 



A SIDE LINE 35 

specified thirty days. It seems," he con- 
tinued, ''that the great majority of them are 
based on your failure to sell their property 
in the thirty days." 

''True," says I, "just what I expected, and, 
after considering my sub-guarantee and the 
fact that all properties were advertised, I 
do not believe a disinterested person could 
be found who would say there was the slightest 
justification in such complaints." 

When the P. I, left the office I was well 
satisfied with the result of our interview and 
the particular points brought up for his edi- 
fication ; I was confident that he had not 
secured, during our interview, sufficient tan- 
gible evidence with which to prove my busi- 
ness fraudulent and inconsistent with the use 
of the United States mails, and to later debar 
me from that privilege. 

Months and months passed in the same 
routine of active business, and during the 
time I had business on the ten-dollar plan I 
suppose I was visited by the Federal au- 
thorities fifty times. 

Finally their visits became so frequent that 
I became aware that it would be only a matter 
of time until an effort would be made to close 



36 THE GRAFTER 

up my business, but I supposed it would be 
taken to court and that it would not be done 
in a short length of time. 

But to my great surprise I received a 
written notification from the authorities, 
which was most undeviating in contents, and 
therein I was given my choice of discontinuing 
my then present methods of business and re- 
turning all moneys received thereafter, or be- 
coming indicted for fraudulent use of the 
mails. 

Though it was with great reluctance, I 
chose the former ultimatum ; and I believe I 
did so with discretion, as I did not want to 
become involved unnecessarily in legal pro- 
ceedings ; and, too, I had duped the public 
for about four hundred thousand dollars dur- 
ing the time I had been in business, and I had 
enough of it left to keep the wolf away from 
the door for a few years at least. 

This certainly was disastrous. It was a 
hard blow to me, and it came at the wrong 
time, as, up until that time, my business had 
been steadily increasing and my daily receipts 
had been between seven hundred fifty and 
eight hundred dollars. 

I had been p^dvertising in over three thou- 



A SIDE LINE 37 

sand different papers and periodicals through- 
out the United States, and if each of these 
papers had, say five thousand circulation, it 
can be seen then that my advertising reached 
millions of people. But I had advertised in 
the best papers of the United States, and some 
of the leading magazines in which I advertised 
had a sworn circulation of 500,000. So the 
reader can imagine that even though all my 
advertising contracts were canceled imme- 
diately, it was some time before I was for- 
gotten ; that it was many weeks before the 
result of my advertising previous to notifica- 
tion to quit business, would cease; the tens 
came in for months, with decreasing fre- 
quency, and all were returned. 

All of my advertising contracts were im- 
mediately canceled. Those in leading papers 
were canceled by wire, and those in papers in 
which space costs but little were canceled by 
letter. 

But it was weeks and weeks before the tens 
were a thing of the past, although in each 
case I was compelled to return them — with 
reluctance, but By Order of The Government. 



CHAPTER II. 
THE POSSIBILITIES OF MATRIMONY 

After my impending indictment and un- 
ceremonious notification to discontinue my 
real-estate business, I began to do a legal and 
collection business on a small scale ; but it 
was a legitimate business, and legitimate busi- 
nesses generally pay smaller dividends than 
those to which I had been accustomed. 

I was restless and dissatisfied with so com- 
paratively small returns, and what I should 
do to augument my bank account was, for a 
time, a puzzle. 

After due consideration I concocted the idea 
that, in addition to my legal business, I should 
conduct a matrimonial business on the side, 
which would chiefly consist of placing, or 
rather promising to place, the loved ones into 
communication for the nominal sum of five 
dollars. 

And, after further deliberation, I dictated 
the following alluring gem to Shorty : 

"Wealthy eastern gentleman thirty years seeks companion- 
ship of worthy woman with view to matrimony. No objection 

(38) 



THE POSSIBILITIES OF MATRIMONY S9 

to poor woman if intelligent and honest. Prefer lady with an 
affectionate disposition. Address Box 648, St. Louis, Exclusive 
agent." 

A few days after the insertion of my first ad. 
I began to receive responses from persons of 
my opposite sex from "children" of from 
eighteen to thirty, ''young girls," from thirty 
to sixty-five, "girls" ripening into "young 
women" at the mature age of from sixty-five 
to ninety, nearly all of whom were ready and 
willing to make a dying statement that they 
were honest, faithful, home-loving and af- 
fectionate in disposition ; that they were ex- 
cellent cooks and dishwashers ; some were 
talented in art and music and were infinitely 
sincere in their desire to take unto themselves 
a worthy companion to comfort and love 
them; some were naturally endowed with 
such an "affectionate disposition" that they 
could "love to death" an honest man "re- 
gardless of looks ;" others, however, were 
possessed of higher ideals, and demanded, 
after I had gotten their money, that I place 
them in communication with an "aristocratic 
gentleman of affluence ;" or, "broad shoulders 
and near illimitable means ;" some desired a 
gentleman of great "political influence com- 



40 ■ THE GRAFTER 

bined with a bank account of anything from 
fifty thousand dollars up." 

Some of the husband-seekers were highly 
egotistical, while a few were conservative, and 
apparently in doubt as to their worthiness of a 
husband. 

Some demanded that I be more specific, and 
state the exact financial capabilities of my 
client ; while others, evidently not greatly 
enthused by my ad., would go on and enumer- 
ate in no brief manner the particular requisites 
that constituted an ideal man, and implore 
me to place them in communication with such 
a gentleman. 

All inquirers were favored with a prompt 
response, and were advised therein that for 
the small sum of five dollars they would re- 
ceive a photo and complete description of my 
client ; or, in preference thereto, they would, 
upon application at the ofiice, be given an 
introduction to, and granted the privilege of 
a personal interview with, my yet-to-be- 
acquired masculine matrimonial product. 

And it was when I was writing a letter to 
this effect, namely, containing the provisional 
offer permitting personal calls at the ofiice, 
that I was made to realize that an additional 



THE POSSIBILITIES OF MATRIMONY 41 

actor would necessarily have to be engaged in 
order to carry out the dramatization of said 
matrimonial drama. 

Upon personal application at the office of 
husband-seekers, I must be able to produce 
a visible, animate and fair-looking man, and, 
in addition thereto, must produce a bank- 
book or some written document or security, 
which would unquestionably certify as to his 
wealth. 

And, too, in the event of Federal inter- 
ference for the purposes of proving my busi- 
ness fraudulent, the presence of such a party 
would be almost indispensable in the reputa- 
tion of accusations of fraud. 

I asked myself who this accomplice would 
be. I thought for a time I would play the 
part myself in order to cut down expenses and 
avoid sharing the profits ; but I later decided 
that the enormity of the business would make 
it impossible for me to act as my own agent. 

Until I procured the services of some one, I 
stalled all personal applicants off on the er- 
roneous pretext that the Wealthy Eastern 
Gentleman was at present out of the city, 
and I had just given away, to an alleged 
eligible, the last photo. However, I promised 



42 THE GRAFTER 

each client to soon have some more repro- 
duced, and extended to each an invitation to 
call at some later date. 

After a few days of indecision and more 
frequent personal applicants, a Mrs. Murphy 
paid me a call and five dollars, and asked 
to be introduced to the "Wealthy Eastern 
Gentleman." I explained to her he would not 
be in for a few days, and asked her to return 
at that time, when I would be pleased to have 
her meet my client. 

She did not demand her money back be- 
cause of his not being present, nor did she 
make any attempt to leave the office. That 
she was greatly disappointed, however, was 
obvious from her answers to a few questions 
I put at her regarding her worthiness and 
eligibility. But the longer she stayed the 
more loquacious she became, and she was soon 
inquiring into my past and my eligibility so 
earnestly that I thought for a time I was being 
subjected to a cross-examination by Mr. Del- 
mas, or possibly that she had taken me for the 
Wealthy Eastern Gentleman. 

I could not understand her indisposition to 
leave the office, until she openly proposed to 
me; then I knew. But that's the way with 



THE POSSIBILITIES OF MATRIMONY 43 

the women. A man can't tell anything about 
them, and they always give a man surprises 
that are just the reverse from his expectations ; 
when a woman's services are needed the most 
they are either not around or refuse to render 
them; and when they are not wanted, they 
are always on the job. 

I assured her that, had I been in search of 
a paragon of beauty and pulchritude, and not 
been previously engaged to an old schoolmate, 
I would have had no hesitancy in accepting 
her proposal, as she was frank in her declara- 
tion that she would do all possible to make 
happy anyone whom she might take unto 
herself as a husband. 

I further assured her that her proffer was 
highly complimentary to me, and she left the 
office with the promise to call again in a few 
days. 

I resolved then and there never to start 
anything I could not stop, and immediately 
John Hawkins came into my mind as '*The 
Wealthy Eastern Gentleman," to promote the 
undertaking. Who could better play the part 
of the Wealthy Eastern Gentleman than he.^ 
Why had I not thought of him before ? 

It might be well here to say something of 



44 THE GRAFTER 

Mr. Hawkins. My acquaintance with him 
dates from the time I entered the St. Louis 
Business College and School of Law. I fre- 
quently met him after that, and occasionally 
spent an evening with him. 

As our acquaintance became more intimate, 
the more conversant I became of his past, as 
he was always eloquent when his profession 
was under discussion ; I had unlimited con- 
fidence in him from the first, and enjoyed im- 
mensely his narrations of what he had done 
for his profession in the past. Unlike myself, 
he was an itinerant grafter, and never con- 
fined his crooked work to any one city very 
long at a time until he became associated with 
me, as such would have increased his fear of 
detection. His dupes were great in number, 
but he was a petty grafter ; he would con- 
coct ideas and devise schemes of grafting and 
money-elicitation that were so fraudulent and 
illegitimate as to seem almost impracticable 
to the most efficient grafter. Though not 
egotistical in discussing subjects other than 
those pertaining to his profession, he im- 
pressed his shrewdness and loyalty to me 
most strongly when he boasted of rarely hav- 



THE POSSIBILITIES OF MATRIMONY 45 

ing paid for anything in his Hfe but postage 
stamps. Again he voluntarily offered his 
services to me at any time, and assured me 
that, if I ever found him guilty of participat- 
ing in a legitimate or equitable transaction, I 
could feel perfectly free in repudiating him as 
an acquaintance. 

He was a handsome man, with big blue 
eyes and a striking personality; he was a 
fluent talker, always smoothly shaven and pre- 
cisely attired ; he was one of the rare men who 
could play any part in any man's game, and 
his open countenance always won the esteem 
of those with whom he came in contact ; he 
could preach a sermon on a moment's notice 
and from any text, and could pass off for a 
young minister with as much ease and cere- 
mony as he could dispose of a bottle of 
Hawkins Pain Allayer to the most credulous 
for twenty-five cents. 

Considering his past and non-perfidious- 
ness as expressed, who could have been more 
eligible to cooperate in A Higher Graft .^^ 

But a few minutes after Mrs. Murphy left, 
I got into 'phone communication with Haw- 
kins. 



46 THE GRAFTER 

''Hello, is this Hawkins? This is the Great 
Real Estate Specialist. Can you come over 
for a few minutes?" 

''I'll be there in thirty minutes by the 
clock," said Hawkins. 

He arrived at the appointed time, and 
shook my hand nonchalantly. 

"I need your assistance," says I. 

"You shall have it," he replied, as his eyes 
lit up with anxious anticipation, "but what's 
the answer?" 

"It's this way, John," says I. "I have 
started a matrimonial agency for Worthy 
Wooers Who Will Willingly give five dollars 
and await results. The purpose of this great 
agency, comprises two distinct reasons : First, 
the financial augmentation of myself, as well 
as anyone who may promote and foster the 
agency to a sound, successful business basis ; 
secondly, the temporary felicitation and grati- 
fication the credulous and eccentric will re- 
ceive in the way of alluring promises, conso- 
lation, correspondence, and permission to ex- 
change photos, all propitious to temporary 
happiness and contentment. Does it meet 
with your approval?" 

"It certainly does," responded Hawkins, 



THE POSSIBILITIES OF MATRIMONY 47 

'^and you have my hearty consent and co- 
operation ; it strikes me as being financially 
profitable, an excellent diversion from past 
lines of graft, and it will be instructive, amus- 
ing, interesting, desirable, and entertaining. 
But what's my part?" he continued. 

''I have already inserted an ad. in the paper 
and have received both personal and written 
responses therefrom — they are on your trail 
now," says I. 

"I'm on," says he; ''but how much am I 
supposed to be worth .^" 

"You are supposed to be worth at least 
twenty-five thousand dollars in the way of a 
deposit I have made to your credit in the 
Citizens State Bank, which of course will not 
be subject to check, but it will answer the 
purposes all right." 

"It's thoroughly elating to be so rich," 
said Hawkins. 

"It is," says I, "and you are supposed to be 
a New York attorney, in quest of good social 
environment, a wife, and a place to dissemi- 
nate your money." 

"The greatest drawback, if any, about 
this," says Hawkins, "is that I'll probably 
dream it's true and the disappointment on 



48 THE GRAFTER 

the morrow will be aw^ul. However, I am 
at your service ; but just introduce themi to 
me one at a time." 

He then left the office wreathed in smiles 
in anticipation of so favorable an outlook for 
approaching activity in a new line of his pro- 
fession. 

The personal applicants were numerous and 
called with increasing frequency. When one 
of the fair sex would call and make known her 
business I almost invariably would talk her 
out of a five in short order ; or else, she would 
leave the office considerably incensed, signify- 
ing her disapproval of my required fee. 

Always as soon as I would talk a client out 
of a five, I wasted no time, but immediately 
got into 'phone communication with my friend 
Hawkins, who was always on time when it 
became necessary to play his part. 

Mr. Hawkins always interviewed the love- 
seekers personally, and unceremoniously as 
if he really had more business on his hands 
than he could attend to ; and, at times, he 
did have. 

In case something out of the ordinary was 
brought up during the course of his interview 
with his many admirers, he would mention 



THE POSSIBILITIES OF MATRIMONY 49 

it to me. But as a rule he would never bring 
up anything that was discussed during such 
interviews. 

His manner of stalling them off was ludi- 
crous. He said they all wanted to marry 
him (and I believe they did) . But he stalled 
them all off regardless of their accomplish- 
ments. If his interviewer was a blonde, she 
was invariably told, after briefly passing on 
the events of the day consistent with courtesy, 
that, owing to his partiality for brunettes, he 
could not consent to a marriage with said 
interviewer as a party thereto. 

If an interviewer happened to be a brunette, 
he would reverse his reason for dissatisfaction, 
and assure her that he was always partial to 
blondes. 

He had other excuses for his always ap- 
parent aversion to marriage. If an inter- 
viewer chanced to be a Methodist, Hawkins 
was always an Orthodox Episcopalian ; if she 
would be a United Brethren, he was a Presby- 
terian; if she belonged to no church at all, 
he was a staunch church worker ; if she be a 
widow without children, he preferred a child 
or two for additional company, as he was so 
fond of children. 



50 THE GRAFTER 

Business was so good for the next few days 
and the personal applicants were so great in 
number, that, at the suggestion of Hawkins, 
we decided that it would be to our mutual 
interest if he would devote his time exclusively 
to the interest of this new matrimonal venture. 

About a hundred dollars a day was what 
came in, and, as time went on, business was 
fast on the increase. 

Of course, let me say right here, that Hawk- 
ins and I never entered into an agreement, 
either verbally or otherwise, as to the division 
of the spoils when promoting any transaction 
relevant to our profession (and we seldom, if 
ever, promoted anything else) ; we rested 
absolute faith in each other, and at all times 
during our business relations a mutual under- 
standing existed between us that any division 
of surreptitiously acquired bucks would be 
equal and equitable. 

Further, let me add here, that there is 
honor among thieves, petty grafters and crim- 
inals. If at any time, even the most remote 
acquaintance would be instrumental in land- 
ing a dupe for me, he was always well paid 
for his services. Many a time I have handed 
a financial benefactor from a hundred dollars 



THE POSSIBILITIES OF MATRIMONY 51 

up to five hundred, who would have been 
satisfied with a mere expression of apprecia- 
tion. 

One day after noon lunch, Mr. Hawkins 
came to the office when four of the "lonely 
ones" had been awaiting his arrival. 

When Hawkins came to the office, he al- 
ways entered our "Private Room" from the 
hall, never entering by the main office. There 
was a reason for this, of course, as is there a 
reason for everything : a person with a past 
record equal to that of Hawkins is, or should 
be, particular about whom he meets. And it 
was for the purpose of avoiding collectors or 
anyone who looked suspicious, that he very 
seldom appeared in the main office. His ar- 
rival in our private office was made known to 
me by one ring on the "buzzer" — and his 
egression therefrom was also made known by 
so many rings on the buzzer; and we had 
other signals. 

In the course of forty-five minutes he had 
interviewed the four lonely ones, and, shortly 
after the last one descended the stairs, two 
of the four reappeared at the office. They 
had by chance, I suppose, met on the street 
and continued their conversation bad in the 



52 THE GRAFTER 

office while awaiting the arrival of Hawkins 
from lunch. 

Their conversation possibly was on the 
events of the day for a time, and later, no 
doubt, drifted to love and matrimony, which 
had brought them to the office. 

However, it was plain to see that they were 
irate, and they not only demanded their 
money back, but in addition thereto they 
signified their desire to have a further inter- 
view with the Hawkins gent. 

''I cannot refund your money," says I, 
"but you might talk with Hawkins if you de- 
sire." I rang two rings with the desk buzzer 
(at which time, according to our code, Haw- 
kins was to leave no grass grow under his 
feet in "beating it" from the office to some 
place of temporary seclusion). After a few 
moments in which he had sufficient time to 
make his "git-away," I opened the door to 
our private office and Hawkins was not in. 

After so informing the irate ones, they ex- 
pressed, in no mild or unstinted manner, their 
profound regret that the gentleman was not 
present, and stated they would call later. 

I assured them that I did not know just 
what time he would return, and asked if I 



THE POSSIBILITIES OF MATRIMONY 5S 

might give them any information or explain 
anything. 

"Well," one replied, ''y^^ know the object 
of our errand here, and I suppose we had 
just as well talk to you as anyone else. That 
man is a grafter and has no intention of marry- 
ing anyone," she continued. 

"Oh, you must be mistaken," I said; "I 
don't know much concerning his character, 
but he represented to me that he was quite 
well-to-do ; in fact, I know to my personal 
knowledge that he is worth twenty -five thou- 
sand dollars, and can produce his bank book 
crediting him with that amount in a local 
bank." 

"That might all be," said one of them, "but 
we will explain further." The one speaking 
was a blonde ; she was rather intelligent look- 
ing, and weighed possibly 140 pounds. "You 
will readily perceive," she said, "that, on ac- 
count of the striking hue of my hirsute adorn- 
ment, I would be classified as a blonde ; and 
further, I am a Methodist." 

"I understand," says I, "but what's that 
got to do with matrimony .f^" 

"Be patient," says Blondy, "and I will get 
to it. You will also readily observe that this 



54 THE GHA^^TEB 

lady is a brunette and that her weight is per- 
haps 120 pounds, and further she is a Presby- 
terian." 

"I will," says I. 

''Well," she went on, "this Wealthy East- 
ern Gentleman, during the course of his 
interview with me, expressed his preference 
for brunettes ; he also said, in his opinion, that 
a model-sized woman should weigh from 118 
to 125 pounds ; he further stated that he was 
a church worker, and that he, as well as his 
ancestors, had all been Presbyterians. 

"Now, this lady," she continued, "will tell 
you the substance of her interview with the 
Wealthy one." 

"The wretch told me," says the brunette, 
"that he had always pertinaciously main- 
tained a preference for, and been partial to, 
blondes; that he wanted a 'little woman' 
weighing about one hundred and forty-five 
pounds ; that he was a strong Methodist, 
etc., etc. ; and it appears that his statements 
are rather conflicting, are they not.^^" 

"Well, don't talk to me about it," says I. 
"You'll have to talk with Hawkins himself, 
but if he's that kind of a man, I will in future 
refuse to act as his agent." 



THE POSSIBILITIES OF MATRIMONY 55 

One day our friend, Mrs. Murphy, reap- 
peared at the door just as another chent was 
leaving. She asked if she might see the 
*' Wealthy Eastern Gentleman." 

"Certainly," says I, and she followed me 
into our private office where Hawkins, puffing 
at a black Havana, was seated in a "lazy" 
chair. 

"Mr. Hawkins," says I, anxious-like, "I 
want you to meet Mrs. Murphy." 

"I am very glad to know you," says Haw- 
kins. 

I then left the room that they might talk 
the matter over "personally," while I sliced 
open the mail and picked out the five-spots. 

Their interview was of two or three hours' 
duration. This was so very unusual with Haw- 
kins and his admirers that I wondered what 
was up ; he was accustomed to turning them 
down unceremoniously, and as a rule such 
interviews lasted but from fifteen minutes to 
half an hour, generally depending entirely 
upon whether or not any "lonely" ones were 
waiting in the main office for an interview. 

Could it be that he was going to marry this 
woman? Why talk for two hours and a half 



56 THl] GRAFTED 

when ordinarily such interviews consumed but 
a few minutes' time? 

But four rings on the buzzer notified me to 
appear in an office across the hall to discuss 
something unusual, as when the buzzer rang 
four rings, impending danger was in the 
ambient atmosphere. 

Hawkins entered the corridor from a side- 
door entrance to our private room and I 
entered from the main-door entrance to the 
office. 

I saw at a glance that Hawkins was affected. 
"What's the matter, old man?" says I; 
"what's the matter with your conscience?" 

"Well," says Hawkins, "we've got to do 
something for this woman. She's waiting in 
the office now. She came a distance of one 
hundred miles, paying railroad fare and our 
five-dollar fee; she's a woman of refinement 
and her raiment would indicate that she is 
accustomed to living pretty well; she came 
here with the avowed intention of getting a 
man, and as a result she is stranded, despond- 
ent, and, since her arrival, has been running 
her face for room and board at a reasonable- 
priced hotel." 

"Well," says I, "marry her." 



THE POSSIBILITIES OF MATRIMONY 57 

''Never," says Hawkins. "I'll do this, 
however : let's pay her back the fiver, her 
railroad fare, and make up a little purse for 
her to remember us by." 

"Hawkins, you're a gentleman," says I, 
and we shook hands. 

"But, say," I continued, "if she isn't satis- 
fied then, let's put her on a steady salary and 
give her a third interest in the business. 
She'd be a valuable asset. In a week we'd be 
receiving fivers from masculine celibates and 
bachelors in Florida, Texas, California, New 
York, Michigan and intervening States." 

"That's better yet," says Hawkins. "I'll 
bring the question of reimbursements of ex- 
pense up to her first, and, as an ultimatum, 
I'll suggest making her the owner of a third 
interest or putting her on a steady salary. I 
guess she'll not turn both propositions down." 

"But say, Hawkins," says I, "this is the 
first instance I have encountered wherein you 
have manifested the slightest evidence of a 
conscience, and I believe you once said that 
a conscience would not coexist with our pro- 
fession." 

"I'll admit," says Hawkins, apologetically, 
"that an explanation is due, but this case is 



58 THE GRAFTER 

an unusual circumstance ; when dealing with 
men I am absolutely void of any conscience, 
whatsoever; but, with this woman, it has 
been different." 

Hawkins went back and resumed his con- 
versation with Mrs. Murphy and I noiselessly 
entered the main office and dictated a few 
letters to Shorty. 

In a few minutes Hawkins rang for me, and 
when I entered the private room Mrs. Murphy 
was smiling contentedly in anticipation of her 
financial outlook for the future and the de- 
sirability of her work. 

"Mrs. Murphy," says Hawkins, addressing 
me, "has decided that she has no objection to 
being put on the pay-roll at a salary of twenty- 
five dollars a week and expenses at a moderate- 
priced of the best hotels." 

I glanced at her and she nodded her ac- 
quiescence. 

We all shook hands and agreed that her 
services were to be effective on the following 
day, and at any hours suitable to herself. 
Ten thousand dollars, not subject to check, 
was deposited to her credit that afternoon in 
a local bank. 

Next morning the following appeared in 



THE POSSIBILITIES OE MATRIMONY 59 

the "Personal" and Miscellaneous Want 
Column of a local paper : 

"Wealthy widow 28 desires to correspond with honorable 
gentleman; object, matrimony; no objection to poor man if 
honest and can give reference. Address Box 648, St. Louis, or 
call Phone 1516 for address and particulars." 

In addition to the above, also ran the follow- 
ing in same paper, to appear every issue for 
one week : 

** Don't be disheartened. There is no reason why any honest 
or worthy man or woman should spend their days in lamentable 
solitude. Companionship and love of a husband or wife is in- 
dispensable to happiness. Call Phone 1516 or address box 648, 
and we can place you in communication with a desirable and 
wealthy gentleman or lady, who will comfort and provide for 
you. All matters strictly confidential. This is the Lucky 
Month for Matrimony. DO IT NOW." 

It is needless to say that we did a business 
unparalleled in the annals of matrimony. We 
were absolutely swamped with business, and 
we made a clean sweep for about five months, 
when we were given notice to discontinue the 
business. 

Mrs. Murphy, Hawkins and I then divided 
about ten thousand dollars equally between 
us. 

Subsequently I sold the business to an aspir- 
ing gent for one thousand dollars. 

We all three shook hands and Mrs. Murphy 



60 THE GRAFTER 

was unstinted in her expression of profound 
appreciation of the many kindnesses we had 
bestowed upon her, and assured us that we 
had her prayers. 



CHAPTER III. 

THE INFALLIBLE COLLECTION 
AGENCY 

It was but a few days after I sold my matri- 
monial business the last time that I started 
up what I later called "The Infallible Col- 
lection Agency," and, though it would have 
been impossible to conduct a business con- 
sistent with the implications to be drawn from 
the firm-name, nevertheless, as will be in- 
dicated in this story, I did a business for some 
months of which I was proud and which 
materially ameliorated my financial condition. 

After considerable study as to what would 
be the most feasible method of procedure in 
formulating the principles of the business and 
considering the class of deadbeats with which 
I would have to deal, I decided to get up a 
series of circular letters, literature and pam- 
phlets with which I thought I could elicit 
money from the most hardened deadbeats, re- 
gardless of any reluctance or aversion they 
may have previously maintained for paying 
their bills. 

(61) 



62 THE GRAFTER 

I realized that the class of accounts, notes 
and claims that would be sent to a collection 
agency would be only those which had almost 
been utterly given up by creditors after their 
own numerous futile attempts to collect, as 
it is only reasonable to assume that a creditor, 
before paying a fee for collecting the claim, 
is first going to be aware of the futility of his 
own efforts to collect. 

And, too, before accounts are sent to a col- 
lection agency, a creditor will invariably prefer 
to first place them in the hands of some local 
attorney, who will show a debtor more le- 
niency than the average collection agency ; 
and generally, if a creditor can get his money 
and still retain a debtor's good will, he prefers 
doing so, and that is why accounts are usually 
placed in the hands of an attorney before they 
reach a collection agency. 

But only a very small proportion of out- 
standing claims are collected by attorneys, 
because of the leniency shown the delinquent 
ones, and the attorneys generally, after 
months of unsuccessful efforts to collect, re- 
turn the claims to the creditors with advice 
that such are worthless. And, therefore, the 
reader can see that most accounts reaching 



THE INFALLIBLE COLLECTION AGENCY 63 

my agency had previously been in the hands 
of other collectors, who had given them up as 
worthless. 

From the knowledge I had gained in the 
legal business I knew that the average at- 
torney was altogether too lenient with the 
deadbeats, and that the only way to collect 
such claims as I would receive would be to 
get up a series of letters and literature of such 
a threatening nature that a debtor, upon re- 
ceipt thereof, would be frightened at my 
brazen, abusive and slanderous threats of 
"garnishment," or of '* bringing suit," or of 
exposing him through the papers of his home 
town. 

There are scores of deadbeats who are ab- 
solutely void of any honor or character what- 
ever, and who make it a practice to buy 
everything on time, and, unless a creditor 
has a lien on what he has sold, he is generally 
later made to regret his lax business principles 
and credulity by selling on time to unknowns 
without first having made some previous in- 
vestigation as to such debtor's integrity or 
financial responsibility. 

And I knew it would be such people with 
whom I would have to deal? or rather from 



64 THE GRAFTER 

whom I would have to collect, and the only 
way to get money from them would be to 
threaten them to such an extent that thev 
would settle claims against them in preference 
to losing their position, to being garnished, 
or having a claim advertised for sale through 
local papers. 

I was not long in getting up a series of 
letters, which I thought would "skeer" money 
out of almost anyone whether I had a claim 
against him or not, and these letters later 
proved to be money-getters, and with them 
I succeeded in bringing home the money as I 
don't believe another collection agency in the 
United States succeeded in doing. 

Of course, the reader will understand that 
such threats as '* public exposure through 
papers of a debtor's home town" would be 
infeasible ; in fact, it would be utterly im- 
possible to get any newspaper or publishing 
company to accept, for publication, an ad. 
offering for sale an account against anyone. 
Such an act on the part of a publishing com- 
pany would be illicit, injudicious if future 
business was considered from deadbeats, and 
therefore it can easily be seen that such 
threats would be effective only upon the 



THE INFALLIBLE COLLECTION AGENCY 65 

ignorant, the creduluous, and persons most 
susceptible to intimidation. 

And, too, the threats of bringing suit were 
never carried out. I never did beheve in 
bringing suit, and, during the years that I 
was in the collection business, I never brought 
suit but two or three times. My business 
principles were both systematic and method- 
ical, and after putting a theory into practice, 
if it proved successful, I never deviated there- 
from. Bringing suit, too, would, in out-of- 
town cases, necessitate the employment of 
other attorneys, who, in nearly every case, 
would retain most of the amount collected to 
which an attorney or collector would legally 
be entitled, and therefore it can be seen that 
I would not have been financially benefitted 
by bringing suits, paying court costs and get- 
ting judgments against irresponsible people. 

Judgments are absolutely valueless, or at 
least I consider them so, as a man who has 
money and is financially responsible is gen- 
erally going to pay his just claims ; judgments, 
therefore, are generally obtained against per- 
sons of questionable and ill-reputable char- 
acter and financial irresponsibility. 

The series of circular letters or "duns" I 



66 THE GRAFTER 

had gotten up would apply to all cases. For 
instance, when a creditor places an account 
with a collection agency for collection he 
generally knows the whereabouts of a debtor 
and in what pursuit he is engaged, if any. 

If a debtor was working on a steady salary 
and was getting a sufficiently large check to 
enable a collector to garnish his wages, I had 
a letter that would appositely apply to his 
case : I would acquaint him with the creditor's 
futile attempts at collection; I would point 
out to him the fact that the claim was un- 
doubtedly a just one when contracted, and 
that he, the debtor, had certainly at one time 
received the full amount of the claim or the 
equivalent thereto. I would further state 
therein that a man who made it a business of 
beating his creditors was absolutely void of 
any character or honor whatever, and that 
if one would ever attain any great success in 
this world, he must first establish his honesty 
and integrity, live up to it at all times, and 
"do unto others as you would have them do 
unto you ;" I would further acquaint him 
with the fact that "honesty is the best pohcy," 
and assure him, if he was disinchned to pay 
the claim in a nice way, that no leniency would 



THE INFALLIBLE COLLECTION AGENCY 67 

be shown him whatever, and that his wages 
would be garnished on a specified date, which 
would ultimately mean possibly the loss of 
position and the humiliation of explaining to 
friends the reason therefor, and an addition 
to a possibly already established reputation 
as a "deadbeat." I would ask him if he 
was honest and if he wanted his name on the 
"deadbeat list," copies of which would be 
disseminated through the streets of his home 
town ; I would assure him that no man with 
an iota of conscience or desire to do what is 
right, would neglect to pay a just claim unless 
it was through an oversight or careless in- 
advertence. 

I would further impress upon the delinquent 
one that, if he failed, neglected or refused to 
remit the amount due in compliance with my 
letter, he would later have good cause to regret 
his action. However, on the other hand, I 
assured him that I was inclined to be perfectly 
lenient with him, and allow him to make 
monthly or weekly payments on the claim if 
he would but show a disposition to do what 
was right and could give me some good reason 
for his previous neglect to settle. 

A great number of deadbeats were soon 



68 THE GRAFTER 

making payments of five and ten dollars on 
large claims, whereas, had I insisted on full 
payment of the claim at once, I would never 
have succeeded in getting a cent. 

Well, after I had written up considerable 
advertising literature and gotten up an allur- 
ing little booklet in which I set forth my 
ability to "collect without fail," I began to 
advertise quite extensively in local papers. 
But this collection business was new and any 
business pays better after it has been in 
operation some weeks, and of course I did 
not feel justified in advertising more exten- 
sively than what my daily receipts would 
warrant; therefore, I decided that, as my 
business increased, so would I increase my 
advertising proportionately. 

One day a new thought came to me : I 
knew that of all claims, those of the doctors 
were the ones upon which a creditor would be 
most willing to pay an "exorbitant" fee, and 
I also knew that nearly every doctor has any 
number of outstanding accounts on his books, 
some of which run into the hundreds of dollars. 

Well, I procured, at a medical institute, the 
latest edition of Polk's Medical Directory, 
which was supposed, at time of issue, to con- 



THE INFALLIBLE COLLECTION AGENCY 60 

tain the name of every doctor, physician and 
surgeon in active practice in the United 
States. This valuable edition by Mr. Polk 
was about the size of Mother's Family Bible ; 
it was printed on thin paper, and a mere 
glance thereat would lead one to believe it 
contained names of millions, rather than 
thousands of professional men. 

I had twenty-five thousand envelopes 
printed bearing the return of *'The Infallible 
Collection Agency ;" I had already previously 
had a like number of each of my circulars, 
pamphlets, etc., printed, and I immediately 
put Shorty at work, beginning at the A's, to 
address envelopes to every person whose name 
was contained in said directory. 

Shorty would ''knock out" about a thou- 
sand or fifteen hundred each day, when he 
would later fill them with my deceptive and 
misleading literature; he would later stamp 
them and send them out ''just for advertising 
purposes." 

It was no time until I began to receive ac- 
counts, notes and claims of various nature 
against all classes of people. 

Some of the doctors would send in accounts 
by the hundreds, and would, in their letter 



70 THE GRAFTER 

of transmittal, inform me that they had been 
utterly unable to inveigle a cent out of the 
debtors. 

Some of the doctors would, of their own 
volition, signify their willingness to pay me 
whatever commission I had the nerve to take 
(and, believe me, dear reader, I never mani- 
fested any aversion to taking all that the law 
would entitle me to). 

Frequently, in sending in accounts, credit- 
ors would state that they would be perfectly 
willing to give me the full amount of a claim 
if I could but collect it. But such proffered 
generosity on the part of a creditor did not 
increase my receipts, as I always believed in 
dealing with everyone "fairly and impar- 
tially," and I seldom deviated from my terms 
*' under any circumstances," and it was al- 
ways my custom to charge fifty per cent for 
collecting unless a client would specify exactly 
how much he would pay when the accounts 
were placed with me. In the latter case, I 
would, rather than to lose the business, ac- 
cept claims for twenty-five per cent, but 
never did I find myself guilty of collecting for 
a lesser fee. 

In my advertising literature I tried to im- 



THE INFALLIBLE COLLECTION AGENCY 71 

press upon the creditors the fact that accounts 
when turned over to a collection agency are 
almost valueless as far as a debtor's willing- 
ness to pay is concerned; that persons who 
can pay and wouldn't pay of their own vo- 
lition, or at least at a creditor's solicitation, 
should be made to pay; that I had a "new 
and systematic" method of collecting, and 
that my "duns" were of such a threatening 
nature that a debtor would, upon receipt 
thereof, endeavor to "break all speed records" 
to my office in order to square himself before 
I brought suit or garnished him, which would 
necessarily incur extra costs, etc. 

That my literature and plan as explained 
therein were heartily approved of by the 
physicians was being evidenced to me stronger 
every day, and my mail increased to such an 
extent every day that I had to put on a few 
additional clerks and stenographers after a 
few weeks' business. 

My literature stated that I charged a fee 
of from ten to fifty per cent, depending en- 
tirely upon the amount of work necessarily 
incurred in making a collection. I explained 
to the creditors that my method of collecting 
was absolutely original and was the only col- 



72 THE GRAFTER 

lection agency in the United States then being 
conducted on a hke plan ; I further explained 
that I was sometimes put to considerable extra 
work, and that, at times, in the collection of 
certain claims, considerable expenditures 
might be involved in the way of livery hire, 
hotel bills, etc. From the frequency with 
which the doctors began sending in accounts, 
they must have taken all my literature for 
granted ; they must have drawn the con- 
clusion therefrom that I could collect any 
amount from anyone at any time, and possibly 
they thought I had been endowed with some 
''materialistic" powers, attributing my "col- 
lecting ability" thereto, and thinking possibly 
that I could make money materialize and 
inveigle it out of deadbeats whether they had 
it or not. 

I always charged local clients the same fee 
as anyone else, and frequently local men would 
call at the ojffice, considerably incensed, and 
would take exceptions to the fee I had charged 
them for collecting, and state that anything 
over ten per cent was ridiculously exorbitant. 
But I would soon impress such clients that I 
had encountered many adverse difficulties in 
forcing the collection, and that I certainly felt 



THE INFALLIBLE COLLECTION AGENCY 73 

justified in retaining any portion of the sum 
collected to which I was legally entitled, and 
inform him that I was entitled to fifty per 
cent. 

But the fact of the matter was, I was never 
put to any extra expense in making a col- 
lection. The collection of a claim for fifty 
cents would incur the same expense and be 
given exactly the same attention as would 
one for fifty dollars. This ''extra expense 
gag" was merely put on for the purpose of as- 
suaging the "irate clients' " asperity of temper 
and to calm them. And I thought such was 
perfectly all right, as the clients would some- 
times become irate to such an extent that 
they would want to do me dire destruction, 
and, if I could turn an irate client away by 
kindly but deceptive words, I preferred to do 
so rather than threaten him with annihilation 
or to kick him down stairs. 

One day a rather nice-looking girl, called 
at the office when the thermometer was regis- 
tering about zero. I immediately noticed 
that she looked sad and disheartened like, and 
she removed from her muff a dun I had sent 
her. She was feeling so badly that she could 
hardly speak above a whisper. 



74 THE GRAFTER 

"Is this the InfaUible Collection Agency?" 
she inquired between sobs. 

"It is," I replied. "What's the matter?" 

"I'll have to call off my engagement with 
Patrick Maloney now," she said, and she 
began to cry as if her little heart was broken. 

"No, you won't," I said. "Why will you?" 

"I work in a shirt factory for three-fifty 
a week, and I've been putting Pat off for two 
years now because I have no fit clothes or no 
money, and, by persistent effort, and the 
practice of economy, I have managed to save 
fifty cents a week during that time. I now 
have a little over fifty dollars, which I thought 
would be enough to cover the cost of my wed- 
ding trousseau, and Pat and I were to be 
married just two weeks from to-day. If I 
have to pay this bill I will have to call it all 
off." 

I reached for the dun and she handed it to 
me. I saw that her name was Margaret 
Cassidy ; that Shorty had sent her a dun for 
$30, which a doctor alleged was due him ac- 
count professional services rendered, 

"Well, Margaret, just leave it to me, and 
I'll see that your engagement with Patrick 
Maloney is not broken." 




"7 'ZZ have to call of my engagement with Patrick Ma- 
loney nowy' she said. 



76 THE GRAFTER 

She listened attentively, and ceased her 
sobbing. 

*'You see, Miss Cassidy, I had no way of 
knowing who you were. When accounts are 
sent to this agency I know not whether the 
debtor is a deadbeat or whether the failure 
to pay has been because of financial adver- 
sities, and the only way I can ascertain def- 
initely is to send these duns out. Had I 
known more of you. Miss Cassidy, I would 
never have sent you this dun. Please be 
seated." 

Well, I moved my chair closer to the desk 
and reached for my check book and receipt 
book pad. I wrote out a "receipt in full" 
and handed it to her. She started to hand 
me the money. "No, Miss Cassidy, just 
keep your money. The account is paid now, 
or at least I'll square it with the doctor." 

Her face bore an aspect of infinite happiness 
as she thanked me and started to leave the 
office. 

"Just a minute and I'll have something else 
for you." She paused, releasing her hold on 
the door knob, and looked around disconcerted 
like. I wrote out a check for $30 and handed 



THE INFALLIBLE COLLECTION AGENCY 77 

it to her, "Take this," said I; "it will help 
some." 

She at first refused, but I told her I had 
plenty, and after considerable persistency she 
reached for the check. 

"I don't know how I can ever manifest my 
appreciation," she said, "neither do I know 
who you are, but you have made me awfully 
happy. Thank you," she said as she left the 
office. 

" You're entirely welcome, Margaret," said I. 

AN INFLEXIBLE RULE. 

After I began to increase my advertising 
locally I soon received accounts and claims 
against all classes of people of all professions. 

As claims were received, it was the duty of 
Shorty to record them in a book for that 
purpose. 

One day he came to me with an account 
against a prominent physician, whose office 
was located directly across the hall from my 
office. Shorty said he thought I might not 
want to dun this party on account of his 
prominence and immediate propinquity to 
the office, and he asked whether he should 
book the account. 



78 THE GRAFTER 

"Sure," said I, "book the account, note or 
claim you receive, regardless of who it is 
against, and send the same form of dun to 
all with no exception. There is no more 
reason why a Governor or Senator should be 
allowed to evade a just debt than should a 
laborer or scavenger." 

"I understand," said Shorty, and he again 
resumed the booking of accounts against de- 
linquents and deadbeats. 

One day the Chief of Police, accompanied 
by two officers, entered the office in a much 
perturbed state of mind. The Chief had a 
telegram in his hand. 

"Is the proprietor in?" he asked. 

"He is," said I. 

"I have a telegram here," said the Chief, 
"signed by a prominent citizen, philanthropist 
and steel magnate of New York City, which 
reads as follows : 

" 'What kind of a blackmailing society is 
being conducted by the Infallible Collection 
Agency, your City ? Investigate and PLACE 
UNDER ARREST any member or members 
thereof if refuse to give out information as to 
alleged note they hold against me.' 

"What have you to say.^" asked the Chief. 



THE INFALLIBLE COLLECTION AGENCY 79 

''I must have the name of the party by 
whom it was sent," said I, ''before I can talk 
with you." 

''It's Chester A. Bradbury, a miUionaire 
steel magnate of New York City and a 
politician of worldwide repute." 

"I don't understand," said I. 

"I am of the opinion that you know all 
about it," says the C. of P., "and we are here 
for information, and propose to get it or you 
can consider yourself under arrest. Which 
do you prefer.^" 

"Be calm," interrupted Shorty; "he knows 
absolutely nothing of the claim. I am a 
clerk," he continued, "in this oflSce, and my 
duties consist of booking claims as they are 
received and sending duns to the parties 
from whom they are due. I remember dis- 
tinctly of recently having received a note 
for collection against one William Bradbury 
in the sum of $1500, and bearing eight per 
cent interest from date. This note was sent 
to this agency by one Foster L. Smith, a com- 
mission merchant of Vicksburg, Mississippi. 
He stated, in his letter of transmittal, that 
William Bradbury, who had given the note, 
was deceased; he further stated, however, 



80 THE GRAFTER 

that the said WilUam Bradbury had a wealthy 
son in New York City, who could well afford 
to pay the note, and that if the matter was 
taken up in the right way with the said 
Chester A. Bradbury, the latter would, in all 
probability, be glad to settle it, as it was a 
just note although outlawed. I therefore 
sent Chester A. Bradbury a dun for fifteen 
hundred dollars and interest from date of 
the note." 

''Have you a copy of this dun.^" said the 
Chief of Police. 

"I have," said Shorty. 

''Out with it," says the C. of P. 

Shorty glanced at me furtively and I ac- 
quiesced with a surreptitious nod, and Shorty 
produced the following copy : 

"Chester A. Bradbury, Lock Box 4321, N. Y. C. 

"Sir : Are you honest? I hold for collection a note against 
you, dated February 16, 1880, for $1,500 and interest from date 
at the rate of eight per cent, in favor of Foster L. Smith. Mr. 
Smith has made a strong appeal to you to pay this claim, but 
you are apparently dead to all sense of honor, honesty and 
gratitude, and I have instructions to sue and advertise this note 
for sale in your home papers. My client does not propose to be 
beaten out of this money, which is justly due, without making 
every effort to collect it, consequently there is but one course 
to pursue; that is, to adopt means other than coaxing to make 
this collection; means that will teach you, by bitter experience, 
that, aside from the question of honesty, it costs far more to 



THE INFALLIBLE COLLECTION AGENCY 81 

try to evade the payment of a just debt than it costs to honestly 
pay it in the first place. 

"If the tone of this letter seems harsh or if your intentions 
are misjudged, you certainly must realize the fact that your 
neglect to settle is the cause, and you can readily right yourself 
by remitting the amount. Otherwise, as stated above, we will 
file suit against you and advertise the claim for sale in the papers 
of your home town. 

"Awaiting your immediate remittance, we are, 
"Maliciously and disrespectfully. 

The Infallible Collection Agency." 

"A great letter to send to a millionaire, 
or any other person who is financially re- 
sponsible," comments the Chief of Police, 
after he had read it. 

"It's the only kind of letter," said I, "that 
will elicit money from the class of deadbeats 
with which I have to deal, but I knew nothing 
of this particular dun being sent or I would 
have made an exception, after taking into 
account the financial responsibility of the 
debtor." 

"Will your clerk make an affidavit to the 
effect that you knew nothing about this and 
that the note is not forged?" 

"I will with pleasure," says Shorty, "as 
far as this office being implicated in the 
forgery is concerned." 

The Chief of Police and his trusty tin- 



8£ THE GRAFTER 

starred assistants left the office and the in- 
cident was not again brought to my attention 
until I was disbarred from the practice of law 
some time later. 

"We don't deviate from our terms under 
any circumstances," said Shorty. 

"Never," said I. 

MITIGATED ANIMOSITY. 

One day a big husky six-footer bolted into 
the office in a much perturbed state of mind. 
He was carrying one of my duns in his hand, 
and as soon as he entered the office it was 
obvious to me that his animosity had been 
aroused to the very highest degree. 

"Show me the man," said he, "who ad- 
dressed this to me." 

Well, being the most considerate chap ever, 
and not being in training, I paused a while 
before answering. 

"I am he," said I, "and if you were ac- 
customed to paying your bills and were an 
honest man you would never have received 
that dun." 

"Well," said the irate one, "honesty don't 
enter into this game and the object of my 



THE INFALLIBLE COLLECTION AGENCY 83 

errand here is to demand an apology or get 
revenge. Which do you prefer ?" 

He was about the size of the average Chi- 
cago pohceman, and looked husky enough to 
juggle three barrels of lard for thirty minutes 
without a fumble, and I considered well for 
a few minutes. 

"I never have, or never will," said I, ''do 
anything for which I would offer an apology." 

He started across the room after me, and I 
sidled over to my desk, and, from an open 
drawer, withdrew a Colt's automatic .44 re- 
volver which I leveled at him ; and with which 
I thought I might have to percolate his 
anatomy in order to avert my being anni- 
hilated. 

"A forty -four talks loud," said I, "and 
you'd just as well back up and go downstairs." 

Well, the gent of a sudden became as docile 
as a lamb and complied with my request 
without the slightest reluctance or hesitation. 
(Possibly I would have hastily retreated too 
had I been in his shoes, as it is ''rawther" 
embarrassing to scrutinize the inside workings 
of the business end of a forty-four.) 

In twenty minutes by the clock the gent 



84 THE GRAFTER 

reappeared on the scene, accompanied by a 
policeman. 

Well, the big man immediately pointed me 
out to the cop and informed him that I was 
the guilty wretch who had first wounded his 
feelings by sending him a slanderous and 
abusive dun, and later had drawn the gun on 
him with malicious and intimidating intent. 

The cop informed me that I was under ar- 
rest, producing a warrant to which the irate 
one had just sworn, in order to assure me that 
there was no mistake about the matter and 
that I had just as well go along. 

The policeman asked me, before we left 
the ofiice, to produce the gun with which I had 
intimidated the deadbeat. He wanted it for 
evidence to use in the case, which was 
scheduled to come up in police court the 
following day. 

"Are you not aware," said I, addressing the 
bluecoat, ''that this is all a joke.^^ I em- 
phatically deny having drawn a gun on this 
man who has sworn out a warrant for my 
arrest. The weapon with which I intimi- 
dated him was a faucet, which I will produce 
when the case comes up in court and not be- 
fore. And, too, in corroboration of my con- 



THE INFALLIBLE COLLECTION AGENCY 85 

tention I will produce four witnesses who will 
testify to the fact that it was a faucet and 
that this man who has sworn out the warrant 
had with blood in his eye advanced toward 
me in my own office with destructive intent." 

*'That don't listen good to me," says the 
cop. ''I have a warrant for your arrest and 
you'll have to come on down to the station 
and there will be a time later when it can be 
proven just what the weapon was ; and, too, 
just save your wind and tell it to the judge." 

Well, I went to the station without offering 
the least resistance, as I was against too much 
odds. But, as I went I was making up my 
testimony and discussing the most feasible 
method of self -exculpation when the case 
would come up. Of course, during this near 
altercation in the office, no one was present 
but the irate one and I, but I decided that 
the testimony would show that there were 
witnesses. I had the whole thing mapped 
out before I arrived at the station and was 
booked by the magistrate. 

In my answer to the plaintiff's petition I 
would aver that the claim against the party 
dunned was a just and equitable one, and 
should have been paid long ago; that I had 



86 THE GRAFTER 

repeatedly sent the gent letters and duns re- 
questing that same be paid, but that all were 
ignored and not the slightest attention paid 
thereto ; I would further, in my answer, aver 
that the said plaintiff had a local reputation 
as a deadbeat, and that it was his custom to 
purchase everything on time and dupe his 
creditors. 

I also planned that I would, as soon as I 
was booked at the station and got out on 
bond, immediately hold a conference with 
John Hawkins and two or three other grafters 
with whom I had long been in association, and 
who were a credit to the profession ; they 
would make most excellent witnesses, as no 
one of them would need many instructions on 
any "flim-flam" game. 

Well, I called all these estimable gentle- 
men up by 'phone as soon as I had been re- 
leased from the station, and I called a con- 
ference at my office for that afternoon, when 
we might all get together and rehearse for the 
scheduled case. 

We all agreed that all those present at the 
conference were present when the deadbeat 
entered the office to do me dire destruction 
and seek revenge; we further agreed that it 



THE IKi^ALLIBLE COLLElCflON AGENCY 8'7 

was a faucet with which I intimidated the de- 
hnquent one, instead of a forty-four revolver 
as the plaintiff alleged ; we further agreed that 
said Hawkins and the others present would 
testify as above, and we would not only offer 
such testimony, but we would further offer 
the faucet in evidence to refute the accusations 
of the plaintiff. 

Well, we rehearsed four times that afternoon 
for this police court drama as the dramatiza- 
tion thereof was scheduled for the next day. 
But, four times acquainted each self-alleged 
witness with his part, and, when the con- 
ference and rehearsal adjourned, we felt cock- 
sure that no great difficulty would be en- 
countered in the refutation of that which the 
plaintiff averred. The case was scheduled for 
3 : 00 p. M. the next day. 

At 2 : 00 p. M. the following day I drove 
around in my Peerless car to the home of each 
of the four grafters and we all went to the 
station in a body. We had the dangerous 
faucet to offer in evidence, and each and every 
one of us was willing to swear to anything in 
my favor. 

At 2 : 45 we were in police court waiting 
for the Judge to call the case and for the 



88 Me gbafteb 

arrival of the plaintiff, and the reader can 
imagine that we all wore a look of confidence. 
At 3 : 00 p. M. the case was dismissed ac- 
count of the non-appearance of the plaintiff, 
and each of us was keenly disappointed, be- 
cause we all knew our parts so well and had 
been looking forward to this police court 
drama with anxious anticipation. 



CHAPTER IV. 
PROVEN ELIGIBILITY 

One day I was busy opening the mail when 
a newcomer called at the office. He was a 
short, heavy-set man, weighing perhaps 165 
pounds. He was not particularly '* dressy," 
and he had an "invincible" look on his face; 
he was a "blonde," and of a questionable 
nationality. 

"Are you," says he, "the one-time Great 
Real Estate Specialist and now Manager of 
the Infallible Collection Agency.^" 

"I am," says I, grasping his hand cau- 
tiously. 

"Well," says he, "you are shaking hands 
with Colonel David Peter Simpkins, who has 
followed your advertisements for the last few 
years, and who has for a long time been eager 
to form your acquaintance, to learn more of 
the enormity of your graft, and, if possible, to 
become associated with you." 

"I am very glad to know you," says I, "but, 
before taking you in as a confidential member 
of the firm, you must identify yourself and 

(89) 



90 THE GRAFTED 

tell me what you've done for the profession 
and your country." 

"To be perfectly frank," says Simpkins, ''I 
comprise, in number, one-ninth of The Simp- 
kins Nine, which has the distinction of duping 
the Dear Farmers out of Ninety -five thou- 
sand dollars of their inactive money, or what 
might be referred to as *non-prolific or unin- 
vested capital,' most of which, previous to 
my acquisition thereof, had rested peacefully 
in tomato cans or other utensils hidden in 
the cellar or buried in the garden." 

'* Don't misunderstand me," he continued, 
''that this was a baseball nine, as it was not ; 
neither was it nine-elevenths of a football 
eleven ; nor was it organized to promote the 
physical or athletic capabilities of any of its 
members — it was organized solely for financial 
purposes, and the line-up was as follows : 

1. My self » Treasurer and Manager of Latent Advertising. 

2. * The Feeler.' 

3. 'The Messenger Boy.' 

4. 'The Human Cyclone.' 

5. 'Trainer for The Human Cyclone.' 

6. 'Second for The Human Cyclone.' 

7. 'The Hurricane Kid.' 

8. ' Trainer for The Hurricane Kid.' 

9. 'Second for The Hurricane Kid.' 

" There you have it," says Simpkins. ''The 



PROVEN ELIGIBILITY 91 

cast sounds sort o' aerial, but it has nothing 
to do with aviation. Though it is a good Une- 
up, yet to the average person it might look 
as though the gang was rather large in number 
to promote any graft requiring itinerants as 
participants. But, as a rule, more than two 
or three active participants in any one graft 
(including those pulled off on Wall Street) is 
a 'crowd' and too many for the financial 
success of any one undertaking or organiza- 
tion ; and, too, such a number increases the 
possibility of detection and subsequent in- 
carceration which invariably follows. 

"But in my nine, the service of each of us 
was almost indispensable. Without any one, 
we would have been crippled and temporarily 
out of business ; but, when we all answered 
the roll-call and the 'Feeler' had once landed 
a dupe, we almost invariably got away with 
the money. 

"The Feeler was always first to start things 
off. After holding a conference and all agree- 
ing on some certain town at which we hoped 
to 'make a cleanin',' the Feeler would take 
the first train to that town. 

"We generally chose a small town, with 
but a few hundred inhabitants, in preference 



9^ "rn^ GRAFTED 

to larger towns and cities where the people 
were better posted on grafters, were paid 
more frequent visits by them, and where the 
men of the sleepy profession and tin stars 
were so numerous as to increase the possibility 
of being apprehended. 

"The Feeler, upon lighting in the town 
near which we hoped to land a victim, would 
immediately light at some local bank, intro- 
duce himself as a representative of a certain 
Savings and Trust Company of Philadelphia, 
Pennsylvania, and inform the banker that he 
would like to procure the names of a few of 
the most prosperous and affluent farmers, to 
whom he might sell a few bonds or at least 
talk over financial matters with a view to 
their making Eastern investments. 

*'He was seldom, if ever, refused the de- 
sired information, and while at the bank 
would get the names of at least three or four 
farmers. He would get their address, post- 
office box numbers, and all information tend- 
ing to hasten telegraphic, telephonic or mail 
communication in case something unusual 
happened or for a possible future reference. 

"After securing these names, The Feeler 



PROVEN ELIGIBILITY 93 

would thank the banker, leave the office and 
make his way to some local livery stable or 
some secluded spot in town, where one can 
generally find some indolent but locally well- 
posted loafer who is always just too glad to 
act in an advisory capacity. 

"From such men The Feeler would get all 
the information obtainable concerning the 
financial capabilities of the persons whose 
names he obtained from the banker. He 
would also ascertain the approximate distance 
and direction the moneyed men lived from 
town; whether their house was frame, brick 
or stone, and the side of the road on which it 
was situated, — at same time making pencil 
memoranda of all such valuable and sup- 
posedly authentic information. 

"The Feeler would, after securing all neces- 
sary information, hire a livery rig and be 
driven to the farm of a certain one of the 
farmers whose names he had, and, in doing 
so, he generally passed up the farmers whose 
propinquity to town made them undesirable 
as intended victims — the further and the 
more isolated the better. 

"Upon arriving at the house he would have 



94 THE GRAFTER 

the liveryman wait outside in the buggy, 
when he would rap on the door. The lady 
of the house would generally respond. 

'' 'Is this Mr. Farmer's residence .f^' The 
Feeler would inquire. He was generally in- 
formed that it was, and he knew it was an 
undeniable fact if the information he had 
received locally was reliable. 

"The Feeler would generally inquire if Mr. 
Farmer was in, and when Mr. Farmer was 
produced by the lady of the house. The Feeler 
would introduce himself as Mr. F. E. Eler, 
representative of The Savings Bank and 
Trust Company of Philadelphia, Pennsyl- 
vania, the purpose of which organization was 
to interest farmers and wealthy people in 
Eastern investments in the way of farm loans 
and municipal bonds and other gilt-edged 
securities, some of which would pay as high 
as 10 and 15 per cent. 

''Mr. Feeler would then have the Farmer's 
attention and Mr. Farmer's face would gener- 
ally bear an aspect of pride and self-esteem by 
being called upon by such a swell and aristo- 
cratic city 'dude.' 

"Nearly all farmers are credulous, and will 
answer almost any question concerning their 



PROVEN ELIGIBILITY 95 

financial responsibility, etc. ; in fact, they 
are only too glad to do so, and it was always 
an easy matter for Mr. Feeler to find out how 
much their farm was worth ; whether or not 
they had any uninvested capital, and if they 
did, whether or not it was readily accessible 
in case of an unusually good proposition; 
also, if they believed in banks, and divers 
other handy data. 

** Having secured all the necessary and de- 
sired information, the Feeler would then re- 
turn to town and take the first train, or be 
driven by auto or other means of locomotion, 
to the then whereabouts of the Nine, which 
generally sojourned at the closest railroad 
station, or in close proximity to the contem- 
plated victim. 

"To them he would impart all the necessary 
information concerning the intended victim, 
his finances, his nearness to town; whether 
he looked easy, or would, from outward ap- 
pearances, be difficult to land ; whether he 
kept his money in banks or in some unidenti- 
fied spot around the house. 

"The Feeler's work was then done until 
'the next fight was to be pulled off,' and all he 
bad to do was to amuse himself and 'hang 



96 THE GEAFTER 

around ' some ' specified ' town and await with 
interest the outcome of the contemplated 
victimization. 

"As Latent Advertising Manager my turn 
came next, and, in conjunction with 'The 
Human Cyclone' and his seconds, we would 
board our trusty nine-passenger touring car 
(which we had won on a fake wrestling match 
from a prosperous farmer), and would en- 
deavor to break all speed records to the scene 
of intended victimization. 

"Upon reaching Mr. Farmer's house, we 
would drive up in our big touring car and ask 
if we might have lunch. We'd flourish a 
twenty on Mr. Farmer, and never did we have 
any difiiculty in securing the 'Best Country 
Accommodations Obtainable,' as the dear 
farmers were only too glad to accept of the 
honor of temporarily entertaining men who 
push nine-passenger touring cars around the 
country. 

"Shortly after arrival at a farmer's house, 
during the course of discourse, something 
would incidentally be brought up about 'The 
Human Cyclone.' 

" 'Wot's the Human Cyclone.^' the farmer 
would generally ask. 



PROVEN ELIGIBILITY 07 

'' 'Is it possible,' I'd say, 'that you, as 
thrifty agriculturists and tillers of the soil, 
alive to all the modern happenings and who 
can take advantage of ' red hot ' sporting news 
from the wires of the Associated Press, do not 
know of 'The Human Cyclone?' 

" 'We do not,' the farmer would say. 

" 'Well, then, shake hands with the gentle- 
man with the blue sweater. He is an old 
hand at the game, and has been fighting for 
about six years. In that time no man has 
ever been able to stand before his terrific and 
unrelenting onslaughts for over four rounds; 
he has beaten every man he has fought in 
decisive fashion, and before many moons we 
will be boosting him as the 'Welter Weight 
Champion of the United States.' He cleaned 
up every fighter of his weight in New York 
and the New England States.' 

" 'Well,' the farmer 'd say, 'and the Human 
Cyclone do be a prize-fighter, be he?' 

" 'He be,' says I. 

"We would then inform the farmer that we 
were just roaming around the country and had 
apparently no end in view, other than recrea- 
tion and outing, which we could not obtain in 
big Eastern cities ; that, during the past few 



98 THE GRAFTER 

months, we had cleaned up a Httle over 
seventy-five thousand dollars, and didn't care 
whether we got any more fight engagements 
or not. 

"We paid liberally for all accommodations 
and the farmers were always glad to have us 
around. Shortly after arrival we would some- 
times suggest 'rabbit-shooting,' 'pitching 
horseshoes,' or some other time-killing amuse- 
ment. The farmer would generally be only 
too glad to cast all work aside and accompany 
us for a few hours' hunt, or other form of 
recreation. 

"If he was not of a religious turn of mind 
and was accustomed to a profuse amount of 
profanity, we'd begin to cuss, amiable-like, 
and give him a drink of right good 'sky,' by 
so doing winning his utmost respect and gain- 
ing his confidence in a never-failing fashion. 

"After a few hours' outing we'd return to 
the house. 

"But, at timely intervals, 'The Human 
Cylcone' was the subject under discussion 
with the farmer, and generally, after sojourn- 
ing a day or so with the farmer, the latter 
would express a desire to see the prize-fighter 
box with his seconds a 'leetle.' Well, being 



PROVEN ELIGIBILITY 99 

in training, as they were alleged to have been, 
'The Human Cyclone' and his trainer would 
don the mits and perfunctorily engage in 
what was seemingly a pretty fast 'go,' but 
always the Human Cyclone had the best of 
the encounter, and with ease he would show 
his superiority over his trainer in the art of 
seK-defense. He would rain ' apparently' hard 
blows almost incessantly and with unusual 
precision on the face and jaw of his trainer, 
who would get confused and disconcerted and 
would seldom retaliate with any degree of 
effectiveness. The trainer was apparently a 
plaything in the hands of the much-dreaded 
Cyclone. 

"Not many days would roll by until 'The 
Messenger Boy' would get in the game. 

"He would appear at the farmer's house 
in a navy-blue suit and wearing the regula- 
tion cap. 

"We always wrote our 'spurious messages,' 
on regular blanks printed by a certain tele- 
graph company ; they were written im- 
mediately after the Feeler's report of progress 
and as having been received at the town near 
which the farmer resided and dated on the 
day of delivery. 



100 THE GRAFTER 

"Three raps on the farmer's door. The 
Lady of the House, or Mrs. Farmer, would 
generally respond to the knock. To her sur- 
prise she would open the door to a youth of 
perhaps fourteen years, clad in a blue serge 
suit and a regulation cap. 

" 'Is dere a guy here wot wears de name of 
Colonel David Peter Simpkins?' the kid'd say. 

" 'There is, come in,' says the Lady of the 
House. I would then sign for the message and 
pay the Messenger boy, requesting him to 
wait for an answer. 

"I'd immediately get all excited, and la- 
mentably remark that mother had been sick 
when last I heard from her, and momentarily 
express the hope that it was not bad news. 

"But the message always read the same, or 
nearly so, and I would tear it open and per- 
functorily read the following : 

* (Town and date.) 
'Colonel David Peter Simpkins, 
(City and State) : 
'On behalf of "The Hurricane Kid," I hereby challenge your 
Human Cyclone to a finish fight, to be held any place and date 
you specify, for a purse of from five to fifteen thousand dollars; 
said fight to be pulled off Marquis of Queensbury rules, and to be 
private. The laws of this State are strict, and, in order to avoid 
the authorities, would suggest, in case you accept this challenge 
that the fight be held some place in the country and under any 
conditions suitable to yourself, Answer if accepted, and I will 



PROVEN ELIGIBILITY 101 

post five thousand forfeit in the hands of some honest and un- 
prejudiced party, who will hold same until the men enter the 

ring. 

'(Signed) Kid Burley, 

Manager and Trainer for 

The Hurricane Kid, 

Care Hotel .' 

"Then," continued Simpkins," I would 
jump up in the air with enthusiasm in the 
presence of the farmers and the Human Cy- 
clone and his trainer and second. 

" 'Easy money, boys,' I'd say; *just wait 
till I answer this message and I'll talk.' I 
then would sit down and nervously write out 
the following, which was never intended to be 
read, but I just wrote it as a matter of form, in 
line with past custom, and to show the farmer 
that we were perfectly reliable, and always 
favored a man with a prompt response : 

*Kid Burley, Mgr. & Trainer 
For the Hurricane Kid, 

Care Hotel : 



' I hereby accept your challenge, and, on behalf of The Human 
Cyclone, will post five thousand dollars immediately with Mr. 
Farmer, with whom we are staying. Would suggest that the 
fight be held within seven days from date. Good accommodations 
can be had where I am staying, and the fight can be pulled off on 
Mr. Farmer's farm, eight miles and a half due south of this city 
and one west. Come here tomorrow. Excellent place to train. 
In addition to five thousand forfeit, will make side bet of five 
thousand, making total amount of ten thousand dollars. I 
realize that the fight must be held in private, and am fully con- 



102 THE GRAFTER 

versant with the State laws governing such bouts. Will expect 
you tomorrow. 

(Sgd.) Col. David Peter Simpkins, 

Manager for The Human Cyclone.' 

"I would then animatedly discuss the 
matter with the Cyclone and his seconds in 
the presence of the farmer and members of 
his family, who would listen with restless 
attentiveness. 

'' 'The idea,' I'd say, 'of this dub of alleged 
fighter who styles himself "The Hurricane 
Kid." He's only had three or four fights in 
his life. He is young, inexperienced, and 
knows nothing of the game. It will be the 
easiest money we have ever picked up. You 
won't even need to train for the fight, but, as 
a matter of custom, you'd better work out a 
little. The Hurricane is just an alleged fighter ; 
I'll admit he likes boxing, but he knows noth- 
ing of the game. He studied boxing by mail, 
got a diploma from a boxing school, and that's 
all I can say for him. When our faithful 
Cyclone,' I'd continue, 'drives one of his pile- 
driving rights in the Hurry One's wind, Mr. 
Hurricane will, if he ever survives, be telling 
his youthful friends and aspirants the ad- 
vantage of personal instruction, over the "box- 
ing as taught by mail." He'll get out a 



PROVEN ELIGIBILITY 103 

printed admonition to such an effect, and will 
probably attribute his downfall to lack of 
personal instruction and ring experience, poor 
condition and a lot of other flimsy excuses.' 

'*We'd then instruct Mr. Farmer to remain 
reticent about the scheduled bout, and to not 
make known to a living soul, as we probably 
would be arrested and landed in jail if it be- 
came known that we were going to stage a 
real prize fight, even in private. They gener- 
ally complied with our wishes, and farmers 
living several miles distant in the country 
rarely come to town but once a week; but 
even in that case, Mr. Farmer generally 
promised to keep the matter to himself. 

"Then, while awaiting the arrival of the 
Hurricane Kid, his Manager and Second, Kid 
Burley, and the other second, we'd begin to 
make arrangements preparatory to a few days 
of faithful training previous to the bout. 

'*In our car we always had several punch- 
ing-bags, athletic suits, a couple or three sets 
of gloves and other paraphernalia. We also 
had with us a portable punching-bag plat- 
form, which could be attached to the side of 
a granary or other outbuilding, and could 
hastily be put up or taken down. 



104 THE GRAFTER 

"Well, in due course of time, the Hurricane 
Kid and his contingent arrived. With the 
exception of the Hurricane, they were ap- 
parently full of enthusiasm, and seemed at all 
times to have been glad the fight was coming 
off. But it was obvious to all that the Hurri- 
cane was a bit dubious over his chances with 
the Cyclone. 

"However, they put up a tent, a few hun- 
dred yards from where we had arranged to 
train. They at first suggested that both 
fighters use the same bag, and, as a matter of 
convenience, that they could work or train 
in the presence of myself, the Cyclone and his 
second. But here I readily made known my 
dissatisfaction with any such an arrangement, 
and pointed out to the farmer that the men 
should not be allowed to watch each other 
spar with their trainers, as the Hurricane 
might become acquainted with the Cyclone's 
style of fighting, and, although the former had 
no chance of winning, nevertheless such would 
increase his chances for such a possibility. 

"I explained to Mr. Farmer the necessity 
of judiciously choosing one's rations, if one 
would attain any great success in the fighting 
game ; but, in talking to the farmer I always 



PROVEN ELIGIBILITY 105 

took him off to one side and talked confi- 
dentially about such things. 

'' *You just watch the Cyclone and what 
he eats the next time you come to the table,' 
says I; 'he drinks milk, eats raw eggs; he 
masticates his food well, and you will notice 
he eats slowly. But this Hurricane eats like 
a voracious swine ; he gulps his food down 
and surfeits like a beast, and that alone would 
make his chances of winning a fight absolutely 
impossible.' 

"The farmer's natural faculties of percep- 
tion and observation enabled him to become 
cognizant of that which I had told him. In 
a day or two he would come to me and con- 
fidentially remark that I was right about the 
way the fighters ate. 

"The Cyclone was training faithfully. He 
arose early each morning, and would put on 
his training clothes and running shoes. He 
then would punch the bag for a few minutes, 
and he was at all times watched with the ut- 
most interest by the farmer, except, of course, 
when he would go for a run of a few miles. 

"After punching the bag for a while, he 
would inform the farmer and myself that he 
would *do a dozen miles or so' for his wind. 



106 THE GRAFTER 

He would then start down the pubhc road 
and keep up a fast chp until he had reached 
some turn in the road, or some place where 
he would be obstructed from vision. He 
would completely disappear into some corn- 
field, or the density of some timber, or what- 
ever place of seclusion his surroundings would 
suggest, and 'rest' for a few hours. After he 
thought he was due to return from a dozen 
miles' run, he would return to Mr. Farmer's 
place. 

''The Cyclone would then breakfast, and 
the farmer watched his every move with the 
highest degree of intensity. He was a cy- 
nosure. Every place the Cyclone went the 
farmer was sure to follow. 

"The Hurricane was also training some, but 
he was indolent. He would run down the road 
a few hundred yards and think he had done 
enough for a half -day. Mr. Farmer would 
go around to the Hurricane's camp and watch 
him train several times a day. But the Hurri- 
cane did but little in the way of faithful 
training. He would work hard for five 
minutes and then rest an hour ; he lacked 
assiduity and enthusiasm in his work; he 



PROVEN ELIGIBILITY 107 

would punch the bag so feebly that it would 
barely rebound ; he would work up a perspira- 
tion and throw off his sweater, thereby sub- 
jecting himself to a cold. 

"The farmer would come to the Cyclone's 
camp and inform the Cyclone and myself, in 
a confidential sort of way, that the Hurricane 
was a mut ; that he was lazy, and didn't half 
train like an experienced fighter would. 

"But the Cyclone was training indefat- 
igably. The terrific force of his blows would 
frequently sever the frail cord that held the 
bag to its stead. The Cyclone was a mighty 
man for his weight, and he looked the part. 
When asked what his chances were for win- 
ning, his confident smile was a good-enough 
answer, but he assured us that it would be 
hke 'finding the money.' 

"As the time approached for the great 
battle, the greatest excitement always pre- 
vailed on the farm where it was being held. 
All work was temporarily suspended and Mr. 
Farmer and the members of his family could 
think of nothing but the fight ; they were in 
a restless state of anxious anticipation over 
the coming event. 



lOS THE GRAFTER 

"The Hurricane's trainer and second were 
more confident of victory for their man than 
the Hurricane himself; in fact, the latter 
generally had but little confidence in himself, 
and steadfastly refused to commit himself 
over his chances of winning. 

"Frequently Mr. Farmer, after having 
watched the Hurricane go through his daily 
work, would come to where the Cyclone was 
training and inform us that the Hurricane 
was scared stiff. 

"The day before the battle was scheduled to 
be staged, all preliminary arrangements were 
made. If no large granary was available, in 
which to hold the fight, a regular 24-foot ring 
was put up, across which was stretched a 
heavy canvas duck to serve instead of a ros- 
ined fioor. The ropes were stretched tight 
and tested. Mr. Farmer would watch with 
intensity every move that was being made, 
and oftentimes volunteered his services and 
offer suggestions in constructing the ring. 

"Mr. Farmer generally, of his own voli- 
tion, would talk about the purse and suggest 
betting some himself. And once he made 
known such a desire, he was never dissuaded 
from further expressing himself. If he didn't 



PROVEN ELIGIBILITY 109 

SO express himself, he was asked to, and our 
degree of interest in the fight depended en- 
tirely on how much Mr. Farmer bet. 

" * Well,' Mr. Farmer would sometimes say, 
'supposin' I'd bet a few thousand myself, 
what would be muh chances for winnin'.?' 

" 'Why, man,' I'd say, 'you certainly 
underestimate the Cyclone if you think the 
Hurricane has the slightest chance of win- 
ning.' 

" 'But,' the farmer would say, 'five or ten 
thousand dollars is a hull lot uh money, and 
I'd hate to bet unless I was sure I'd win.' 

" 'Why, man,' says I, 'you have no more 
chance of losing than the 650-pound Fat 
Man in Ringling Brothers' side show has of 
establishing a new world's record for a hun- 
dred-yard dash, with a hundred-pound dumb- 
bell fettered to either foot by means of a Yale 
lock.' 

"Early in the evening of the night on which 
the battle was to be held, all telephone wires 
were cut and the fight was ready to be staged. 
Nothing was left undone, and, if anything was 
lacking, it was the Hurricane's confidence. 

"The fighters crawled into their fighting 
togs. The farmers were greatly excited. 



110 THE GRAFTER 

Everyone present was enthused. Each of The 
Nine was enthused over the amount at stake, 
which would come into our possession after 
the battle ; and the farmer was enthused over 
having an opportunity to witness a *sure= 
enough prize fight,' and also over his chances 
of winning. He was already figuring on what 
he would buy with the ten thousand ; possibly 
his choice rested between a quarter-section 
adjacent to his, and a five-thousand-dollar 
touring car, in which he and Mrs. Farmer 
might ride through the streets of their local 
town, receiving the plaudits of The Plain 
People and winning for themselves the title 
of * Champion Local Cynosures — Competitors 
Challenged.' 

"The men then entered the ring amid great 
cheers, and I flipped a nickel to determine 
which corner the Human Cyclone would get. 

"But there were no representatives or 'war' 
correspondents of the Associated Press present 
to write up a story of the great battle. There 
were no moving-picture men present to record 
the battle, blow for blow, and to later tour 
the country, entertaining the public with the 
fight pictures. 



PROVEN ELIGIBILITY 111 

"All the formalities in line with the staging 
of the usual prize fight were adhered to, with 
the above exceptions, and in all probability 
the farmers would not have been any more 
enthused had Jack Johnson been one of the 
participants. 

"Mr. Farmer then digs down in his jeans 
and withdraws a roll of twenty- and fifty- 
dollar bills, around which was a rubber band. 
[Not every individual has had the good fortune 
to handle ten thousand dollars' worth of paper 
money in bills of twenty- and fifty-dollar de- 
nominations, and, for the edification of the 
reader, I need but say that it makes a roll 
about as big around as a black snake after it 
has swallowed a rabbit and six toads.] 

"The farmer then hands this roll to Kid 
Burley, whom we had all mutually agreed on 
as stakeholder, and with this ten thousand I 
placed five thousand on The Human Cyclone, 
making a total of fifteen thousand which The 
Hurricane and his Manager would cover. 

"Inasmuch as Mr. Farmer had placed ten 
thousand on The Cyclone, both Burley and 
I agreed that it would only be mutually fair 
to let the farmer choose the referee, and, in- 



112 THE GRAFTER 

asmuch as he had never previously witnessed 
a prize fight, the referee would necessarily 
have to be one of the nine. 

"I was chosen as time-keeper, and climbed 
over the ropes. 

'' ' Get ready,' says I. ' Time !' 

"The men advanced and shook hands 
cautiously. They stepped back, did a little foot 
work, and finally mixed it furiously. But the 
Cyclone, from the way he worked, would have 
appeared to an outsider to be the more sea- 
soned fighter ; he landed effectively more fre- 
quently than the Hurricane, and apparently 
had his opponent outclassed. Every time the 
Cyclone landed a good straight punch, or when 
he evaded the Hurricane's futile attempts to 
land, the farmer emitted enthusiastic ejacula- 
tions and vociferations and jumped up and 
down over his chance of winning. 

"During the latter half of the first round, 
the men mixed it in true cyclone fashion, and 
the Cyclone showed class as a fighter. Sud- 
denly the Cyclone landed on his opponent's 
jaw with a terrific right swing, flooring him for 
the count of five, and the first round closed 
with honors all in favor of the Cyclone, and 



PROVEN ELIGIBILITY 113 

the Hurricane went to his corner, groggy and 
tottering, with hardly enough strength to 
maintain his equihbrium. 

''Mr. Farmer could not suppress his joy. 
He was sure the Cyclone would win, and dur- 
ing the minute's intermission between the 
first and second round, he shook my hand and 
thanked me for the tip. He was fairly wild 
with excitement, and so restless and anxious 
for the fight to terminate that he couldn't 
stand still; he would walk around the ring 
as an undomesticated lion sidles and paces 
back and forth in his cage. 

" 'Get ready,' says I. 'Time!' 

"The participants began hostilities in the 
second round as though they were fighting 
a grueling fight, and they shot hooks, jabs, 
uppercuts at each other with almost lightning 
rapidity, the Cyclone having a shade the 
better of it. But the intermission between 
the first and second round had done lots for 
the Hurricane, and he fought during the 
second round with confidence that he had 
not previously displayed. 

"In a burst of infighting in the latter part 
of the second round, the Cyclone met the 



114 THE GRAFTER 

Hurricane's rush with a right uppercut and 
the Hurricane once more struck the mat hke 
a post, but he was saved by the bell. 

" 'Get ready.' 'Time!' 

''The gong put them to fighting in the 
third round, and the men had barely advanced 
to the center of the ring when the Hurricane 
let loose a well-directed right uppercut to his 
opponent's jaw. The much-touted Cyclone 
dropped like a log to the mat and was counted 
out, (apparently) a hopelessly beaten man. 
Then the little red capsule the Cyclone had 
in his mouth from the time he entered the ring 
had just begun to dissolve, and the Cyclone 
was a ghastly sight as the red saliva ran from 
his mouth. 'We've lost, we've lost, boys,' 
said I, and the farmer's expression changed 
to one of utter consternation. 

" 'Where's the Doctor?' The Cyclone is 
a dead man (temporarily). Burley and my- 
self and the rest of the Nine present put the 
Cyclone in our faithful touring car and were 
off." 



CHAPTER V. 

THE VICTIMIZATION OF 
CHARLES GREEN 

'*Deep in prehistoric thought?" says Haw- 
kins. 

''Never," says I; "I'll admit of the depth 
but not the tense. I am just beginning to 
realize that I have lost an opportunity, or 
rather that I'll be late in taking advantage of 
one. How careless of me! Here I've been 
for several months selling, for from five hun- 
dred to a thousand dollars, real-estate busi- 
nesses that have never existed when I might 
just as well have sold the once best-paying 
real-estate business in the United States for 
an amount worth while. Why consume 
Shorty's time writing bills of sales involving 
five hundred or a thousand dollars when they 
might just as well read five or ten thousand.^ 
Though I cannot licitly conduct the business 
on the same plan that it was run previous to 
my threatened indictment, yet I have all my 
old record books to show that I conduct (or 

(115) 



116 THE GRAFTER 

to be exact, once conducted) a business pay- 
ing on an average of $750 per day. 

"In the disposition of this particular busi- 
ness, I can boost it up to a prospective buyer, 
and, when I would show the books, he could 
not but believe my contention that it is the 
best-paying business of its kind in the United 
States, as figures don't lie. 

'*0f course, for an owner to conduct said 
business on the ten-dollar fee plan would be 
in direct violation of the postal laws, but 
everyone doesn't know the limitations of the 
postal laws, and why not let some one find 
them out ? It could be conducted on the ten- 
dollar plan possibly for a few months without 
detection." 

''It's an excellent thought," says Hawkins, 
''and you should dispose of it readily." 

"Of course, the present inactivity of the 
business will have to be explained to the pros- 
pective purchasers, but I'll tell the prospective 
ones that the business is so strenuous when it 
is run, that it requires my constant time and 
attention and that I discontinue it for three 
months each year to recuperate. Some of 
'em will believe it if they are sufficiently 
credulous," 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 117 

I wrote up the following ad., of which I 
told Shorty to make about one hundred copies 
and send one copy to each of one hundred 
small town papers for insertion : 

" For Sale : One-half interest in best-paying Real-Estate 
Business in the United States. Books will show my gross re- 
ceipts to have been between twenty and thirty thousand dollars 
monthly. Five thousand dollars takes half-interest. Write 
for particulars. Box 648, St. Louis." 

In the course of a week I had received 
scores of replies, several of which were pro- 
pitious. I favored each prospective purchaser 
with a prompt response, requesting each to 
call personally, when I would convince them 
beyond a doubt that the business was all 
that I claimed for it. 

A great many promised, by mail, to call 
at the office. A few of them called, but in 
nearly every case they thought I was ofifering 
too much for so little. 

It was nearly five weeks from the time I 
offered the one-half interest for sale that I 
received a letter from a Mr. Charles Green, of 
Greenboise, a little unheard-of burg, which I 
learned, by reference to a map, was situated 
in the Ozarks of southern Missouri. (This 
aspiring gent later proved to be all his name 
implied, and, although a German, his regard 



118 THE GRAFTER 

for St. Patrick's Day will be evidenced later 
in this story.) 

But few letters passed between us until he 
was so taken up with the proposition that he 
expressed unlimited faith in the business, and, 
on the strength of what I had written, prom^ 
ised to make a trip to St. Louis and talk things 
over. 

The gent wrote that he had never been in St. 
Louis, and was not familiar with the town. 
He wrote that he would arrive on an M. K. 
& T. train at 2 : 30 p. m. on a certain day, and 
requested that I meet him. He also evi- 
denced considerable forethought by inclosing 
his photo to serve as a means of identification ; 
and, to establish his identity beyond question, 
he further expressed his intention of signal- 
izing his arrival in St. Louis by wearing a red 
rose in the lapel of his coat. 

I answered his letter immediately, promis- 
ing to meet him upon the arrival of the M. K. 
& T. train, and complimenting him on his 
unique means of self -identification. 

The day of his contemplated arrival I was 
at the train to meet him. The train pulled 
in on time, and, after a few score of pas- 
sengers alighted, I noticed a red rose in the 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 119 

lapel of a coat worn by a tall, emaciated man 
standing on the rear end of a chair car. He 
was beckoning for a policeman, who stood a 
few feet distant. *' What's matter?" says the 
cop. "Is this St. Louis .^" says Mr. Green. 

"It is," said the one who acts in an advisory 
capacity. 

Green's eyes lit up, and he was obviously 
much elated to think that he had arrived at 
his destination; but I suppose he attributed 
his good luck to the fact that the M. K. & T. 
rails are stationary and that her trains never 
leave the track for the purpose of running 
down coyotes or rabbits. 

When he alighted, I deferred stepping up 
and grasping his hand at once, as there were 
scores of people around the platform, and I 
sized him up for a few seconds before doing 
so. When I finally did make myself known, I 
grasped his hand like a long-lost brother. 

We boarded a taxicab and were on our way 
to the office. 

Green was a taciturn man, and had but little 
to say. His answers were always brief, and 
he evidently believed in the conservation of 
the English language. I noticed that, in giv- 
ing an affirmative answer to a question, he 



1^0 THE GRAFTER 

invariably chose the words ''Right smart.'* 
I could not remember of previously having 
heard such an expression, and, to one unac- 
customed to hearing it, but little could be 
deduced therefrom. But perhaps it was a 
popular expression down in the Ozarks. The 
first time he used it I had questioned him as 
to the general prosperity of the country in his 
part of the State and he responded, "Oh, 
everything's right smart, I guess." 

Well, we reached the office, and I took Mr. 
Green into the main office, slid a leather chair 
under him and excused myself for a few 
minutes to interview a client who was await- 
ing in my private office. But I handed Mr. 
Green a periodical and told him to feel per- 
fectly at home. 

After my client had been interviewed and 
left by way of the hall entrance to my private 
room, I was just ready to call Green into my 
private room when I heard Shorty making a 
few remarks to him. I knew he and Shorty 
were alone in the main office, as no one had 
come in since Green's arrival. 

Shorty always talked loud and distinct, and 
I noiselessly moved my chair nearer the door, 
and began eaves-dropping. Shorty was doing 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 1^1 

most of the talking, and Green's infrequent 
remarks were inaudible. I remained in the 
private office for a time, as I was choosing 
the course of discretion and mapping out a 
programme of business and entertainment for 
Green, during the brevity of his stay in St. 
Louis. 

This Green was certainly an eccentric old 
codger. He said he had from fifteen to twenty 
thousand dollars, and I was confident that 
getting it would be only a matter of time. 
But it would be like snatching a stick of candy 
from a two-year-old kid. However, as long 
as he had money and was disposed to invest, 
I had just as well have it as some other grafter 
— someone would get it, of that much I was 
sure. 

"Have you some accounts for collection?" 
says Shorty. I now listened with intensity, 
as I knew there was something up. A wise 
kid, this Shorty. He was pretending he did 
not know the object of Green's errand to the 
office, and was going to lead Green out a while, 
find out what he had, and to further elicit 
information from him as to the accessibility 
and availability of his thousands. 

"I thought," says Shorty, "that, in case 



122 THE GRAFTEE 

you were in a hurry, I could attend to your 
wants." 

"No, I want to see the proprietor, and am 
in no hurry," says Green. 

"You don't know of anyone who wants to 
buy a half-interest in a good real-estate busi- 
ness, do you.^" 

"No, I guess not," says Green, evidently 
thinking Shorty was referring to some other 
real-estate business than mine. 

"The Boss wants to sell a half -interest in 
his business and it's worth ten times what he 
asks for it. He closes down August 1st of 
each year, for his health, but the way the 
coin rolls in the other nine months of each 
year is unbelievable. Yes, he has from eight 
to fourteen stenographers and clerks working 
during the busy season. He charges clients 
ten dollars in advance for listing property and 
about seven or eight hundred dollars a day 
is what comes in. He promises to sell prop- 
erty in thirty days ; to charge two and one- 
half per cent commission, and deduct the ten- 
dollar fee from the two and one-half per cent 
of purchase price when sale is made. Some 
weeks he sits down and dictates letters to 
publishing houses, with which he transmits 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 12S 

thousands of dollars in payment for advertis- 
ing. The plan is original with the Boss; it 
is the only Real Estate business of its kind 
in the United States. I've been trying to 
save my money and buy it, because I am 
right here and really know what it is, but, of 
course, it is out of the question, as it would 
require several years of persistent saving for 
me to accumulate five thousand dollars, which 
he asks for it. However, to one who has the 
money, it certainly would be cheap at the 
price." 

Shorty talked on and on, pausing only in- 
frequently, and telling all he knew and a great 
deal he did not know; however, all he was 
saying was good, and I wished for the moment 
that I might have whispered in his ear to keep 
right on talking ; that the honor would be all 
his, as well as a portion of the financial 
emolument. 

After Shorty had said about all he could, 
and ceased conversation, I went out into the 
main office myself and began to boost the 
business up to Green. Of course, he listened 
to all that was being said with apparently the 
utmost credulity, and he seldom offered any 
comment or directed any question at me for 



1£4 THE GRAFTER 

the purpose of a further explanation on any- 
thing that might not be understood. 

After I had talked an hour or so he ex- 
pressed himself as being "right smart" pleased 
with the outlook, after I had shown him the 
record books and explained that I closed down 
August 1st of each year for my health. He 
said if he bought he would have to draw the 
money out of the bank, and that he would 
prefer talking the matter over with his folks 
before he bought. 

It began to look like a sure thing, and, as 
the deal could not be closed that afternoon, I 
suggested that he stay over for a day or so, 
when I would be pleased to show him around 
town. He finally acquiesced, and I took him 
down the business center of town and let him 
gaze at the high buildings for a while. 

I suggested that he send a telegram to his 
folks that he would not leave St. Louis until 
the following evening, with which suggestion 
he was pleased, and readily allowed me to 
comply. 

I then took him to a hotel near the office. 
It was a very moderate -priced house. I 
stayed with him till he registered, and ac- 
companied him to his room. I then promised 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 125 

him to call on the morrow at 8 : 00 a. m., when 
I would further familiarize him with the city 
and would tell him more of the business, of 
which I was offering a half-interest for sale. 

I arrived at the appointed time the next 
morning at the hotel, and was waiting the 
decension of the elevator which would take 
me to the floor on which Green's room was 
located. Just as I was ready to step into the 
elevator, the bell-hop, who had shown us to 
Green's room the day before, rapped me on 
the elbow. 

"Say," the kid said, "didn't I see you come 
here yesterday evening and register a lunatic 
by the name of Green .f^" 

"You did," I replied. 

"Well," the kid said, "who is he? Where 
did he come from ? Is he an escape from some 
asylum, or is he just one of the ordinary type 
of unsophisticated fool backwoodsmen or 
farmers who frequently furnish amusement 
for guests and others around hotels in the 
city.?" 

"What did he do?" says I. 

"Oh," says the B. H., "shortly after you 
registered him last night he came down and 
imparted the unusual information to the clerk 



126 THE GRAFTER 

that he 'Wanted to eat.' I took him to the 
dining-room, where a waiter sUd a chair under 
him and he dropped into it. He said he 
wanted supper. 

" 'What do you want for supper.^' said the 
waiter. 

'' 'I'll just take a plain supper," said Green. 

" 'Well,' said the waiter, 'we have a divers 
and kindred assortment of foodstuffs which 
would go to make up a plain supper. Here's 
the menu and pencil, old man; you'll have 
to be a little more specific and write down 
what you want. This hotel is not an etiquette 
school for unsophisticated farmers.' 

"Green finally said he'd take a cup of coffee 
and eggs and some potatoes. After waiting a 
minute or two he evidently thought the waiter 
was too slow, and he arose and asked me to 
take him to his room. I took him up, and 
told him I would bring his supper to him. 
After doing so with reluctance he placed 
money for his order on the tray. I told him 
to dig up a dime more and he finally did so." 

"He is sort 'o eccentric," says I. 

I arrived at the appointed time, and went 
to his room. 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 127 

*'Well," says I, "did you have a good 
night?" 

"Yes, right smart," said Green, "but I 
don't Hke this hotel. I had my supper 
brought to my room last night," he continued, 
"and the boy charged me for the supper and 
for bringing it up. I didn't mind payin' for 
my supper, but I didn't want to pay him for 
bringing it up." 

"Did you tip him.?" says I. "The bell- 
hops generally expect tips, and if they don't 
get them they have a retentive memory." 

"I never tripped the boy," said Green. 

"You misunderstand me," says I; "I said 
tip." 

We left the hotel, and I was soon showing 
him about St. Louis. I took him through a 
few big stores, allowed him to gaze at the 
window displays or anything that would serve 
to entertain or enlighten him until his train 
pulled out that afternoon. I was entertain- 
ing him royally, and, during the afternoon, 
drove him about in a taxicab until train- 
time. He seemed greatly impressed with St. 
Louis, the magnificence of her many high 
buildings, and he sort 'o liked the hurly-burly 
of city life. 



128 THE GRAFTER 

I was aware that he did not have the five 
thousand dollars with him with which he 
might purchase the half -interest that after- 
noon. I told him that, when he got home, I 
wanted him to talk the matter over with his 
folks ; to tell them just what the business was, 
what it would pay, ''and, above all," says I, 
"I don't want you, Mr. Green, to buy this 
until you have first thoroughly satisfied your- 
self that it is worth double what I ask ; and, 
before buying, I would prefer that not only 
you, but your folks as well, are pleased with 
the outlook and thoroughly understand just 
what the business is, how to run it ; and, as to 
the volume of business done, my books won't 
lie." 

"Five thousand is yer best price, is it.^" 
says Green, as we were waiting for the train. 

"It certainly is," says I. "Why, man, you 
seem to underestimate what you would get 
for your money. It would be cheap at double 
the price, and, if I don't sell in a couple of 
weeks, I'm going to either withdraw from the 
market or ask ten thousand for the half- 
interest. You must consider that each year 
the business increases, and that next year 
I expect to break all previous records. To 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 129 

arrive at the actual rate of interest you would 
derive from your investment, if you bought 
the half -interest," says I, withdrawing a pencil 
and pocket memoranda from my pocket, 
''we'll figure that the daily receipts are $750 ; 
30 days in the month would be $22,500. 

Monthly receipts $22,500.00 

Payroll $500.00 

Postage stamps 1,200 . 00 

Advertising 7,500.00 

Rent, stationery, miscel., etc 250.00 

Expenses 9,450.00 

Net $13,050.00 

''There," says I, "$13,050 net, which, 
divided equally between us, would net each 
$6,325 monthly ; or, in other words, the first 
month you would have your half -interest paid 
for and have $1,525 left to buy shoes for the 
children, chewing tobacco and other mis- 
cellaneous essentials. Seventy-five hundred 
dollars a month looks big for advertising, but 
for nine months of each year I advertise in 
just 3348 papers, magazines and periodicals 
throughout the United States, Canadian and 
various foreign countries. But why should 
one care for expenses when they can get 1394 
per cent out of a business investment .f^" 

He emitted an appreciative laugh for the 



130 THE GRAFTER 

first time, and signified his willingness to buy, 
assuring me that all that remained then was 
the consent of his folks. 

I asked him what day he would return to 
close the deal if his folks thought favorable. 
He would promise no definite date, but said 
he would return within a few days, when he 
would call at my office. 

The train was due out. The porter yelled 
''All aboard!" and I shook Green's hand, put 
him on a chair car, and assured him that I 
was very much pleased to have met him. 

"What is your general impression of St. 
Louis, Mr. Green .^" says I, just before the 
train pulled out. 

"Well," says he, with the deliberation of a 
bribed expert testifier in a murder case, "It's 
right smart of a town." 

I bade him good-bye, and the M. K. & T. 
was taking Green toward Greenboise. 

In a few days Green reappeared on the 
scene, accompanied by two youths, whom he 
introduced as his sons. They were large, 
corpulent young fellows, perhaps 24 and 25 
years of age, and weighed perhaps 165 and 185 
respectively. There is an old saying that 
reads "Like the father, like the son," but 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 131 

certainly this case, as far as outward aspect 
was concerned, was an exception to that say- 
ing, as there was absolutely no resemblance 
between the father and sons. 

The boys were intelligent-looking chaps, 
and I soon learned that they had, the month 
previous, been given diplomas in their chosen 
profession from the University of Pennsyl- 
vania, and that they would soon be in search 
of a permanent location. One was a civil 
engineer and the other had studied medicine. 
It was obvious from their conversation, man- 
ners and raiment that they were accustomed 
to good social environment, and they had 
evidently spent but a small portion of their 
time in Greenboise. 

I was highly elated when our conversation 
drifted to the relevant topic, as I had just 
about sized the boys up as being skeptics 
and averse to buying a business without a 
rigid investigation and conclusive proof that 
they would get their money's worth. 

Although they did not look it, to my great 
surprise they later proved themselves to be 
as credulous and enthused as their father 
over the alleged merits of that which I was 
offering for sale. They expressed themselves 



132 THE GRAFTER 

as being highly pleased, and stated that, if 
the business was all I claimed for it, it was 
undoubtedly worth the price asked. 

''Well," says I, "I'll leave it to your father 
as to whether it is worth the price asked. We 
figured it up the other day, and, if I remember 
rightly, it pays on an average of 1394 per 
cent interest annually. I paid out a little 
over nine thousand dollars for postage last 
year, so you can imagine from that the busi- 
ness that was done. 

"I defy any man," says I, "to say he has 
ever made, or can make, a tenth of what I 
make in a realty business. The secret of my 
business and success, lies in its originality. I 
am the only man in the United States who 
does business on a like plan. All my liter- 
ature, circular letters, etc., are copyrighted. 
And, too, what I like about the business is 
that it is comparatively all done by mail. 

"I generally have from eight to fourteen 
stenographers and clerks working, and, al- 
though I do no clerical work myself, I am 
kept busy talking to advertising men and 
clients who call in person ; and, when I am 
not so engaged, my time is consumed in dic- 
tating letters, sending out ads. for publica- 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 133 

tion and picking ten-dollar spots out of the 
mail. 

"I'm afraid you fellows have studied in 
vain," says I, ''as, if your father buys this 
half-interest, we will certainly need your ser- 
vices when we start up in a couple of months. 
You could both work in a clerical capacity, 
and I am sure it would be no time until you 
would become thoroughly familiar with all 
the working principles of the business. In 
it you would encounter no objectionable 
features, or hardships, such as you might in 
engineering work or the medical profession; 
it's a pleasant, profitable business that can 
always be depended upon for so much so long 
as there are newspapers and stenographers. 
There's only one way to run it and that is the 
right way, and I have it systematized to the 
highest state of efficiency. You fellows could 
exercise the right to hire or fire any clerk for 
whom you might form a preference or dis- 
liking. It would give you an insight to things 
commercially and your association with ad- 
vertising men and all classes of people would 
be edifying, making your future prospect most 
favorable for busy figures in the commercial 
world." 



134 THE GRAFTEH 

"Should father purchase the half -interest 
now," said one of the Green boys, "I presume 
you would want us to report for duty im- 
mediately after father would take over the 
half -interest?" 

"That all rests with you," says I, "but 
really, until we start up in a few weeks, there 
will be nothing to do and there is no reason 
why you iieed to be confined to the office 
until that time. That's one nice thing, boys, 
about being in business for one's self : you'd 
have no one to dictate to you, you could come 
and go when you pleased without watching 
the clock, and you'd be working for yourselves. 
There's altogether too much competition in 
the work that you fellows have chosen for a 
livelihood ; there are thousands of engineers 
throughout the United States every day, 
searching for work in their particular line, 
and the futility of their attempts to obtain 
it immediately becomes known to them upon 
application to railroads and other corporations 
for positions, and they are invariably told 
that the field is overcrowded. 

"And, too, the same in the medical pro- 
fession. Look at the doctors, physicians and 
surgeons in every town. That field, too, is 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 135 

overcrowded; too much competition. It is 
the last profession I would ever think of 
choosing for a livelihood. If you ever start 
up your practice, think of what I'm telling 
you now. You will be aroused in the midst 
of your peaceful slumbers by the telephone at 
3:00 A. M. and be requested to 'break all 
speed records' to some farmer's house forty- 
three miles in the country to save a dying 
child. You'll arrive on time and be informed 
that the one in the precarious condition 'had 
had a little spell, but that she was all right 
now ;' you then return to town and send a 
bill to the farmer, who will protest it on the 
grounds that no services were rendered what- 
ever, and who will even refuse to entertain 
for a minute the thought of a reasonable com- 
promise. That's what a doctor has to con- 
tend with." 

"I guess you're about right," says the 
green chap who had chosen the medical pro- 
fession. 

The boys then excused themselves, and 
asked permission to talk the matter over 
personally with their father in my private 
room. Said permission was granted, of course, 
and the prospective half -owner and his two 



1S6 THE GRAFTER 

sons went into my private room and con- 
versed and discoursed for fifteen minutes, and 
reappeared in my main office all in smiles. I 
knew as soon as I saw them that they had de- 
cided favorably, but I was too old at the game 
to let my enthusiasm become apparent. 

''Well," says the old man, "the boys are 
right smart pleased with the business, and I 
guess we'll buy the half -interest." 

"I don't want you 'guessing' about it," 
says I ; "I want to know that you really want 
the business before I write out the bill of 
sale." 

"We do," says the eligible physician, to 
which statement the elder Green acquiesced. 

Well, I went into my private room and the 
three lambs followed. I sat down and heaved 
a sigh as if it was with the utmost regret that 
I was about to part with a half -interest in the 
business that netted me about four hundred 
thousand dollars during the brevity of its 
activity. 

I rang for Shorty and dictated to him a bill 
of sale, which conveyed to the reverend 
"Charles Green, Esq., of Greenboise, Mis- 
souri," one-half interest in "the right to do, 
conduct and carry on a real-estate business," 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 1S7 

for the sum of five thousand dollars cash in 
hand, which bill of sale, of course, did not 
specifically include any fixtures or furniture 
whatever. 

During my long, shady, checkered career 
in which I was engaged in the disposition of 
worthless businesses, one rule to which I in- 
variably adhered was not to throw in any office 
fixtures or furniture unless, of course, it was 
absolutely necessary and a sale might have 
been precluded by my failure to do so. 

After Shorty had written up the bill of sale, 
signatures were duly appended thereto in the 
presence of a notary, and Green started to 
hand me a check for five thousand dollars on 
The Farmers Bank of Greenboise. 

"No checks accepted," says I, "until I have 
wire communication with your bank. I don't 
want you to feel offended, Mr. Green," I 
continued, "and I don't want you to think 
for a minute that I would question your 
financial responsibility, but, in justice to my- 
self, I must know that you have that amount 
on deposit. You perhaps think I'm sort of 
incredulous, and I trust you will pardon me 
for exercising so much precaution, but I once 
had a relative who, because of his credulity, 



138 ^HE GRAFTEH 

accepted a check for ten thousand dollars in 
payment for one hundred and sixty acres of 
alfalfa land. The check was not honored, and 
the shyster who signed it sold the quarter- 
section the same day he bought it for $7,500. 
So you can't blame me for exercising the ut- 
most precaution." 

Well, we went down town and wired Green- 
boise. Immediately received a wire reply 
that the check was O. K. and would be 
honored. I therefore had it cashed at a local 
bank, pocketed the five thousand, and Charles 
was a full-fledged half-owner in whatever his 
conscience, enthusiasm and intuition would 
permit him to call it. 

I w^as doing a collection and legal business 
at the time on a small scale, and, in addition, 
I was actually engaged in selling local busi- 
nesses and real estate legitimately, or nearly 
so, and every few days I would receive a fee 
ranging from a few dollars for the rental of 
some property, to $50 or a hundred dollars 
for making a sale. 

Although Green did not own a half -interest 
in the real-estate business which I was con- 
ducting (his partnership interest being in the 
business which I was not legally permitted to 



Victimization of charles green ISO 

carry on), nevertheless, I would frequently 
give him half of my commission derived from 
sales I had made. For a time he was de- 
lighted at my generosity, and, although he did 
nothing in the office work, nevertheless he was 
always on the scene early in the morning to 
bore me with his infrequent unintelligible re- 
marks and by asking inconsequential and 
irrelevant questions. 

He was fairly well contented for a time after 
the purchase of his half-interest, and, when I 
would hand him a few dollars commission as 
his share of the ''profits," he would seem un- 
usually well satisfied with that in return for 
his five thousand dollars already invested. 

But, ere long, he, as well as members of his 
family, seemed to become disheartened and 
dissatisfied, and would frequently express their 
desire to "start up the business on the ten- 
dollar plan." I told them that it would not 
be long until that time would arrive, when we 
would. 

Finally their requests to do so became so 
frequent that I became annoyed and discon- 
certed ; or at least I pretended to make it 
apparent that I was, and one day, after such 



140 THE GRAFTER 

a request, I pretended that my animosity was 
aroused beyond mitigation. 

''Now, Mr. Green," says I, ''I can't stand 
this any longer. It has only been a few days 
since you took over the half-interest and 
agreed to assume half of the obligations and 
to an equal division of the proceeds. I told 
you, previous to your acquisition of this half- 
interest, that it would be some weeks before 
we could start up on the ten-dollar plan, and 
you are already frequently expressing your 
dissatisfaction because of the suspense." 

Of a sudden I pretended to be irate. I 
walked around the office gesticulating and 
talking blatantly. I would have then been 
looked upon by an "innocent bystander" as 
one with an uncontrollable temper, and I 
pretended that it was with the greatest dif- 
ficulty that I could refrain from resorting to a 
fistic encounter with Green to assuage my 
animosity. 

"I tell you right now. Green," says I, 
"something has got to be done. There's 
nothing to these partnership businesses. This 
is not the first time I've found them undesir- 
able. I'll put it up to you this way : it's 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 141 

either sell or buy, and I won't buy your half- 
interest. I'll let you have the remaining half- 
interest in the business for the same price 
that you paid for your present interest, but 
I assure you that I don't for a minute intend 
to remain in partnership with a man who has 
acted as you have. I'll give you until 6 : 00 
p. M. today to decide whether or not you will 
buy the remaining half-interest, and, if you 
don't decide favorably, we'll see what can be 
done. 

"Shorty is thoroughly conversant with all 
the working principles of the business ; he can 
handle the advertising part of the business, 
can talk to clients who call in person, and in 
fact there is no part of the business on which 
he is not fully posted. Shorty will work for 
you each afternoon for $3 per." 

I looked at Shorty and he nodded his con- 
sent. 

''You can rent a couple of rooms across the 
hall," says I, ''and it will be no time until 
you will be able to begin banking the tens so 
fast that you will be surprised." 

Green left the office and reappeared on the 
scene early in the afternoon, accompanied by 



142 THE GRAFTER 

several members of his family and another 
five thousand dollars, and said he'd buy. 

A bill of sale was hastily written, after 
which Green handed me five thousand dollars 
and was owner of a real-estate business which 
he might conduct until notified to discontinue 
same by the Federal authorities. 

Green was pleased over his outlook for the 
future, and I told him where he could rent a 
couple of rooms across the hall. He engaged 
them, and I gave him certain office supplies, 
etc., which I was sure I would never have 
occasion to use in my future business. He 
also purchased some second-hand furniture 
and was ready for business. 

Shorty began working for him in the after- 
noon, and sent out a^^vertising circular letters, 
etc., and it was only a few days until the mail 
began to increase, and likewise the tens began 
to come in with increasing frequency. Weeks 
and weeks passed and Green's business was 
steadily increasing. 

A few months after Green's business had 
gotten on a paying basis. Shorty one day 
looked at me with a sort o' strangeness, likQ 
as if he wanted to make a confession. 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 143 

"What's up?" says I. 

"Well," says Shorty, "I presume you've 
heard the news." 

"What news?" says I. 

"That Charles Green, Esq., is no more so 
far as the real-estate business is concerned." 

"What's the matter?" says I. 

"Well," says Shorty, "one of Uncle Sam's 
trusty Post Office Inspectors just swooped 
down on him. It was actually ludicrous," 
Shorty continued, "and I only wish you could 
have been there when the Post Office I. called. 
Green and his two boys were busily engaged 
in getting out the mail when the P. I. entered." 

" 'Is the proprietor in?' says the P. I. 

Green said he guessed he was the prop., and 
the P. I. asked him if he didn't know for sure 
whether he was or not, and Green assured him 
that he was. 

"Well," says the P. I., "I presume you are 
aware that you are conducting this business 
on the same plans and terms as did your pred- 
ecessor ; I presume, also, that you are aware 
that your said predecessor duped honest 
American people to the extent of hundreds of 
thousands of dollars by his fraudulent and 
deceptive methods of advertising. I believe 



144 THE GRAFTER 

you also know that he at one time was notified 
in writing, by the Government, to discon- 
tinue his surreptitious and unscrupulous 
methods of business if he would avoid being 
indicted for fraudulent use of the mails ? Are 
you not aware that your business is an illegit- 
imate one, and that it cannot be licitly con- 
ducted through the mails? Are you not 
aware that no man with an iota of honor or 
character would inveigle a client into paying 
a ten-dollar advance fee for something which 
he never receives? You promise your clients, 
I believe, that you can sell property in thirty 
days for an advance fee of ten dollars and a 
small commission. But, have you ever made 
a sale?" 

"No, I guess not," said Green. 

'*Why, certainly not," says the P. I., ''and 
that is why your business is an illegitimate 
one and cannot be carried on through the 
mails." 

"I will write you a notice to that effect 
and you will be governed accordingly and re- 
turn all moneys received after this date." 

Right here Shorty must be given some 
recognition as possessing all the earmarks and 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 145 

certain qualifications that are the making of 
some of the most shrewd men of my profession. 

Shorty never said much until one day, and 
on that particular occasion he made a com- 
plete confession, for which he received, of 
course, my heartiest congratulations and un- 
reserved recognition. He said he had charged 
Green double time (or $6) for working on the 
afternoon of St. Patrick's Day. And again 
he repeated the imposition on April Fool's 
Day and Good Friday. He also asked Green 
for a raise every few weeks, which was granted 
without reluctance, of course, and Shorty once 
remarked that he would have possibly been 
drawing a salary equal to the President if the 
authorities had not closed Green's business up 
for a few years and the business would have 
warranted. 

One day shortly after Green had bought 
the business, I asked Shorty, jestingly, if he 
would work a week for a hundred-dollar note 
against Green. 

''Sure," says Shorty; ''we all gamble a 
little frequently, and I'll take the chance." 

Shorty was then given the note for his next 
week's work, and, with it, he again demon- 



146 THE GRAFTER 

strated that he had profited by close observa- 
tion; that he was original and was further 
advanced in the game than having a mere 
knowledge of the embryonic and rudimentary 
principles thereof. 

From a banker's directory Shorty procured 
the name of the Cashier of The Citizen's State 
Bank, of Greenboise. 

Shorty, knowing that Green must have had 
somewhat of a local reputation for honesty 
and integrity, thought that the disposition of 
the note to some Greenboise bank would be 
easy, and he immediately wrote the Cashier 
a neat letter on nice linen paper. This was 
about the time when Green's business had 
just begun to pay well, and before he was 
notified to discontinue it. 

The letter read as follows : 



Cashier, 

Greenboise, Mo. 
My dear Mr. 



"I hold a note for $100 bearing 8% interest from date, against 
Chas. Green, formerly of your city. The note is not yet due, and 
Mr. Green informs me that he cannot consistently pay in until it 
is due. However, Mr. Green is conducting a lucrative real-estate 
business here, and I understand is doing nicely. 

" Mother is a widow, and, as we are hard pressed for cash, 
would be pleased to discount the note to you if it is your custom 
\o purchase such. Yours truly, 

(Sd.) S. McCann," 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 147 

In a few days Shorty received a letter from 
the banker, inclosing a draft for $90, with 
advice that the note would be accepted pro- 
viding it was properly indorsed. Well, Shorty 
pretending that he did not know what '^prop- 
erly indorsed" implied, indorsed the note 
"without recourse," and, as Green's business 
was discontinued before the note was due, the 
banker's attempts to collect from Green were 
futile. 

Working on the theory that ''it doesn't pay 
to do things by halves," and knowing that 
Green still had a balance of $7,500 in the 
bank of Greenboise, I thought I had just as 
well have it as not — some one would get it, 
so why not I ; and, too, this $7,500 had been 
long in close association with the $10,000 I 
had recently acquired, and I thought it was 
only reasonable to assume that they should 
not part after so long a period of intimacy. 

So I decided I wanted that $7,500, and, 
after due deliberation, and a diligent search 
of my pigeonholes, I ran across a little harm- 
less document that a duped acquaintance had 
once given me for a souvenir to remember him 

by- 



148 THE GRAFTEB 

Coincidentally, it was for 75 shares of pre- 
ferred stock in the Latent Bonanza Company 
of Goldfield, Nevada, and, of course, the 
reader will understand that it was fully paid, 
non-assessable, and, best of all, it was, unlike 
most such truly valuable documents, trans- 
ferable. And, of course, it is also needless 
to say that said Latent Bonanza Company 
was grinding out tons and tons of gold daily ; 
that it was a safe, equitable corporation, 
backed by millionaires and politicians of 
worldwide repute, whose integrity or financial 
responsibility could not be questioned for a 
minute ; and, too, the company had, for many 
years, unfailingly paid a semi-annual dividend 
of 16 per cent to all holders of this preferred 
stock, (or, at least, words to that effect were 
contained on the back of the document, and 
certainly no printer would be so void of char- 
acter as to print blank shares for a mining 
company of ill repute, on which were contained 
any inaccurate or exaggerative statements.) 

This little "transferable" document was 
certainly a beautiful piece of lithographer's 
skill, and it served the purpose admirably; 
it was printed on the finest bond paper, and 
was a piece of art that any man should be 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHARLES GREEN 14^ 

proud to possess, and I decided to ascertain 
if Green wouldn't like to acquire it for its 
face value. 

Just as I had decided on what I thought 
would be a feasible method of procedure to 
bring the question up to Green, he appeared 
on the scene. 

'*Mr. Green," says I, "I'd like to talk with 
you for a few minutes." 

He followed me into my private room, and 
I talked on volatile topics for a while. 

"Well, Mr. Green," says I, "I presume you 
have heard of the Latent Bonanza Company, 
have you not.^" 

"No, guess not," says Green. 

"Well, that's what I want to talk with you 
about. Yes, Mr. Green, this Latent Bonanza 
Company's mines, of which I speak, are the 
most prolific mines in the world today pro- 
ducing a like mineral. Barrels and barrels of 
ore are daily taken therefrom and the per- 
centage of ore to the ton exceeds that of any 
other gold mine chronicled in the annals of 
mineralogy. 

"This mine was discovered," says I, "by 
a lone prospector, who, upon discovery there- 
of, was alone and without any practical as- 



150 THE GRAFTEH 

sistance. However, when he did discover it 
he knew what he had, as he was a scientific 
mineralogist and assayer and was backed by a 
few lucky millionaires of New York City. 

''After his discovery he went to his backers 
and told them what he had found in a few 
lucid and irrefutable words that to their mind 
needed no subsequent authentication. His 
backers were stupefied at his discovery, and, 
on the strength of what the prospector had 
said, they incorporated under the laws of the 
State of Nevada and sold shares to the extent 
of $500,000, with which to purchase ma- 
chinery, etc., which, Mr. Green, you under- 
stand is always so essential in getting good 
mines on a paying basis." 

Green was non-committal for a time, but 
he could not "repress" his enthusiasm, and 
he listened to all that was being said with 
attentiveness. 

"I was one of the fortunate few, Mr. 
Green," I continued, ''who purchased shares 
in the company, and I still have mine. I 
have 75 shares in the company, and, as you 
will note on the back of the document, the 
company pays a semi-annual dividend of 16 
per cent to all holders of preferred stock. 



VICTIMIZATION OF CHAHLES OIlE:EN 151 

And, of course, you cannot question that 
statement when it appears in print right on 
the very back of the certificate issued by the 
company." 

*'No, I guess not," says Green. 

''Why, certainly not," says I. 

''And I was just wondering, Mr. Green, if 
you would like to purchase these 75 shares or 
any portion thereof at their face value of 
$100 per share. Of course, I'm not particu- 
larly anxious to sell, but I would sell them at 
their face value if I could do so within the 
next few days." 

Green left the office, and in an hour re- 
turned : 

"Well," says he, "I'll take them there 
shares." 

And he really wanted them badly, because 
he said he did. And there was no suspense, 
as he had the seventy-five hundred with him. 

I handed him "them shares," in return for 
which I received a financial stimulant in the 
way of a check for $7,500. 



CHAPTER VI. 
SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 

Subsequent to the Federal authorities' noti- 
fication upon Charles Green to discontinue his 
business, I supposed that he would wake up 
to the fact that he had been swindled and 
swindled bad, and I further thought that he 
would abandon his office and that he would 
sever both his social and business relations 
with me for all time. 

But to my great surprise he still frequented 
my office, and hardly a day passed but what 
he would seek one of my ''lazy" chairs and 
appear to be waiting for something. 

I grew to despise the man. He would bore 
me to extinction by his inconsequential 
chatter ; he would watch me as a hawk 
watches a chicken as I was busily engaged in 
conducting the affairs of the office. 

As time passed my hatred for him grew 
more violent. I owed him nothing. I was 
under no obligation to him whatever. When 
I transferred his money from his pocket into 
mine, he was old enough to vote, he was 

(152) 



BIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 153 

normally rational and he was sober, or at 
least he was supposed to have been. If he 
was then unable to handle his money ju- 
diciously and invest it profitably, a guardian 
should have been appointed with whom his 
financial acquisitions might have been in- 
trusted. 

According to the by-laws, rules and regula- 
tions of the profession, I couldn't dope out 
that I was under the slightest obligation to 
him. 

One day when he was loitering around the 
office my eye caught his. He grated on my 
nerves, and I decided to give him the tip that 
his presence in the office was undesirable and 
to rid the office of him for all time to come. 

"Mr. Green," says I, '*it occurs to me that 
you are whiling away a good deal of your 
valuable time unavailingly, and I cannot see 
your object in spending so much of it around 
the office. Why don't you get out and get 
busy? You have people at home depending 
upon you for support. And if you are so 
unwise as to let the Government lead you to 
believe that the business is illicit, I can't for 
the life of me see why you spend so much of 
your time around here when you should be 



154 THE GHAFTER 

out trying to make an honest dollar with 
which to buy food and shoes for the children." 

"Well," says Green, "all seven of the boys 
are at work and doing nicely, and there is no 
reason why I should be working when it isn't 
necessary. I have ten thousand dollars tied 
up in the business, though," he continued, 
"and I'd right smart like to sell if I can't 
make the business pay." 

"The business," says I, "is one that will 
always pay so long as there are publishing 
companies and clerks, but, if you prefer to 
heed the advice of the Government, rather 
than mine, you are, under those circumstances, 
awakening up to your own interest, and it 
strikes me that you would be wise to sell. 
I've been wondering for a long time why you 
didn't try to dispose of the business as long 
as you don't seem to make a paying propo- 
sition out of it. If you would but have pre- 
viously expressed such a desire I would have 
been on the lookout for a buyer. When one 
wants to sell anything, Mr. Green, he should 
get busy, put an ad. in the paper and find a 
buyer. You can't accomplish anything kill- 
ing time in the office. Great things are not 
attained without some striving, and, if you 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 155 

wanted to sell, why didn't you either tell me 
or put an ad. in the paper and acquaint pros- 
pective purchasers with the fact that you 
wanted to sell?" 

'*I never thought of that," says Green. 

"That's your trouble, Mr. Green," says I; 
"you don't stop to think." 

"If I dispose of the business for you, what 
commission would you be willing to pay?" 
says I. 

"I haven't got much," says Green. 

"Well, you have a good horse and buggy 
and seven sons working. I'll try and find 
you a buyer, but my time is too precious to 
work for nothing, and, before I render any 
service, I must know something of the extent 
to which I will be compensated therefor." 

"I have no cash," says Green, "but you 
kin have the horse and buggy for your 
trouble." 

"That's perfectly agreeable to me," says 
I, "and I'll see if I can't turn the trick, pro- 
viding you'll produce the horse and rig as 
soon as the sale is made." 

"I will," says Green, as he left the office, 
obviously to break the news to Mrs. Green. 

Green had left the office but a few minutes 




''In walks Colonel David Peter Simpkins and my re- 
spected friend and co-worker Jno. Hawkins, Esq,'' 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 157 

when in walks Colonel David Peter Simpkins 
and my respected friend and co-worker Jno. 
Hawkins, Esq., The King of the Profession. 

Then and not until then did I ever think 
of seeking a prospective buyer for Green's 
business. 

Well, they dropped into their respective 
leather chairs and lit up their Havanas. They 
looked at me straight in the eye and I was 
smiling. 

''My dear Co-worker," says Hawkins, 
"what particular process of financial incu- 
bation percolates thy dome.^" 

''Nothing in particular," says I. 

"Well, it's about time there was," says 
Hawkins. "For the last few days the dispo- 
sition of this Celebrated Pain Allayer has 
been slow, and I'm just beginning to appre- 
ciate the wisdom of Simpkins' s often repeated 
declaration that petty graft is tedious, monot- 
onous and hard on the feet." 

"I heartily concur in Simpkins's conten- 
tion," says I, and Simpkins arose and shook 
my hand animatedly. 

"But listen, gentlemen," says I, "I have 
a solution to the difficulties and adversities 
you are encountering." 



158 THE GRAFTER 

Hawkins and Simpkins began to take notice, 
as they knew I was about to say something. 

"It's this way," says I: ''I just learned 
from our friend Green that he wants to dis- 
pose of his business. I am his agent, of course, 
and my compensation for turning the trick 
will be his family horse and the buggy that 
follows her around. Believe me, gentlemen, 
she's 'some horse.' She's as gentle as a lamb, 
and when I go to sell her I'll claim remote 
relationship between her and Dan Patch." 

"An excellent thought," commented Haw- 
kins; "but how did the Green gent come to 
appoint you as his agent .f^" 

"I assure you, Hawkins, that it wasn't at 
my solicitation. He was just loitering around 
the office, as is usually his custom, and in- 
cidentally of his own volition he evidenced 
a desire to sell, and I voluntarily offered to 
render any practical assistance, agreeing to 
turn the trick for his horse and buggy." 

"You think, then, that you will encounter 
no difficulties in disposing of the horse .^" says 
Hawkins. 

"None whatever," says I; "you know 
proper, persistent and sufficiently deceptive 
advertising works wonders," 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 159 

"What am I supposed to be?" says Haw- 
kins. 

"You," says I, "are supposed to be a 
wealthy attorney from New York City. You 
are supposed to be visiting friends in the 
West and seeking peace and quiet from the 
hurly-burly of Broadway, pending the de- 
cision of a New York court, where a verdict 
of interest to you is soon to be rendered ; if 
propitious, you will come into possession of 
$45,000 money, bequeathed to you by an 
anchorite aunt, with whom you spent your 
boyhood days. Your note will be for $5,000, 
due in six months, with eight per cent interest 
from date." 

"That's enough," says Hawkins; "I'm past 
the embryonic stage of the game and I think 
that's sufficient details. In other words, I'm 
on." 

"And me?" says Simpkins. 

"Well, my dear Colonel," says I, "you are 
supposed to have been a gentlemen of leisure 
for the last ten years, at the beginning of which 
time you retired from active work of whatso- 
ever nature. At the time of your retirement 
you were worth $100,000 in the way of farm 
mortgages and city bonds, and for a time you 



160 THE GRAFTER 

did nothing but clip coupons. But later you 
are supposed to have met with financial ad- 
versities when you mixed with the bulls and 
bears and Wall Street. Your only asset now 
is supposed to be a ten-thousand-dollar mort- 
gage on one of the best sections of land in the 
Missouri Valley. Mortgage due in five months. 

''For the last few years you are supposed to 
have been engaged in loitering around where 
a plentiful supply of those famous beverages 
known as beer, whisky and wine, and ad- 
mixtures and amalgamations thereof, were 
readily accessible, and where you might in- 
dulge in a steady but uniform dissemination 
of your money for the purpose of satiating 
your appetite, quenching your thirst and add- 
ing to your intuitive and acquired knowledge 
of the profession and current topics. Your 
note will be for five thousand dollars, due in 
five months. 

"I'm on," says Simpkins. 

Hawkins and Simpkins then left the office, 
and I told them to return at 3 : 00 p. m., on 
the following afternoon, single file, and a few 
blocks apart, of course. 

I immediately got into phone communica- 
%iou with Green, 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 161 

"Mr. Green," says I, ''can you come over 
to the office for a few minutes?" 

"I'll be there shortly," says Green. 

Well, in due course of time he arrived, 
lookingly expectantly like, but that was noth- 
ing unusual for Green, as a look of expectancy 
always adorned the superficial area of the 
exterior of the cavity where his mental facul- 
ties would have been located had he been 
bestowed with such. 

"Well, Mr. Green," says I, "I don't know 
for sure, but I believe I have in mind a party 
who would purchase a half-interest in your 
business." 

"You have.f^" inquires Green. 

"I have," says I, "or at least I think I 
have." 

"What price do you expect to get for it?" 
says Green. 

"That's up to you," says I. "The busi- 
ness is yours, and you are the one to put a 
price on it." 

"What do you think it is worth?" says 
Green. 

"Well, I have no desire to set a price at 
which another man's business is to be sold, 
but, now that you have asked me for informa- 



162 THE GRAFTER 

tion, I'll give you my candid opinion as to 
what I think you should get for the half- 
interest. Were I in your place, Mr. Green, I 
certainly would not take a cent less than what 
I paid for it, namely, five thousand dollars for 
the half -interest. The business is just as 
good as it ever was, and it is a business that 
will always prove profitable to one who is 
willing to get busy and not allow the Govern- 
ment to step in." 

''That's really more than I expected for 
it," says Green, ''and in fact I would be well 
satisfied to get most anything out of it, as I 
am thinking of purchasing thirty shares of 
stock in the Inextant Copper Company of 
Kansas City, Missouri. The mines are just 
a few miles north of Kansas City, and one of 
the company's agents just showed me litera- 
ture this morning that showed where the com- 
pany was paying a monthly dividend of 20 
per cent. It's a great company, and, if you 
can dispose of this half -interest for me at five 
thousand dollars, I can buy fifty shares of the 
Inextant Copper stock at one hundred dollars 
each." 

*' That's bully," says I, "and I'll see what 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 163 

I can do for you. Green, now that you desire 
to enter into a new field. Please call to- 
morrow at 3 : 00 p. m., when I hope to have 
the prospective buyer here." 

''I will," says Green, and he left the office 
and descended the stairs. 

At 2 : 45 p. M. the following day, Green 
called at the office and took his usual chair. 

"Your man should be here pretty quickly," 
says I; ''and I might say, Mr. Green, that, 
coincidentally, I met an old acquaintance 
from New York City, whom I have known all 
his life. He has been in St. Louis for some 
months, but yesterday was the first time I 
have seen him since his arrival. 

"I mentioned to him something of the busi- 
ness you have for sale, and, although he did 
not come here for that purpose, he seemed to 
immediately take up with the proposition, 
and talked quite favorably to purchasing, 
provided terms could be arranged to suit you. 

After I had unburdened myself of about the 
proper amount of excess verbiage, in walked 
no other than John Hawkins. 

"Mr. Hawkins," says I, "I want you to 
meet Mr. Green." 



164 THE GRAFTER 

"I am very glad to know you, Mr. Green," 
says Hawkins, extending his hand compla- 
cently. 

"Mr. Green," says I, addressing Hawkins, 
"is the owner of the business which I was 
speaking to you about. He is not particularly 
anxious to sell, but he would sell a haK- 
interest for five thousand or the entire busi- 
ness for twice that amount." 

"How long have you been actively engaged 
in the real-estate business, Mr. Green .^" in- 
quired Hawkins. 

"Well," says Green, "I believe it's right 
smart nigh on to several months." 

"Has the business proven profitable at all 
times?" says Hawkins. 

"Well," says Green, "we've taken in right 
smart lot uh money. Sometimes right nigh 
onto five hundred dollars a day." 

"And you mean to say you desire to sell a 
half-interest in such a lucrative business for 
five thousand dollars?" 

"I do," says Green. 

"I have no objection to the price, I am sure, 
Mr. Green; in fact, it seems as though it is 
ridiculously low, considering the amount the 
business! pays. I want to say," continued 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 165 

Hawkins, "before I go farther, Mr. Green, 
that I will be unable to pay you cash for the 
business. I am perfectly agreeable to pur- 
chasing the half-interest providing you will 
accept my note for five thousand dollars, due 
in six months with eight per cent interest from 
date." 

"I hadn't thought of that, and I really 
wanted the money now," says Green, ''as I 
am anxious to buy some stock in the Inextant 
Copper Company of Kansas City, Missouri. 
But I really want to sell, and if that is the best 
you can do, I don't know but what I would 
accept your note." 

"I assure you, Mr. Green," says I, ''that 
Mr. Hawkins is financially responsible. I 
have vouched for him before and I would do 
so again. Mr. Hawkins's headquarters are 
in New York City, where he has been con- 
ducting a law business for some years, and 
he is here visiting friends and seeking a 
restoration to health." 

"Yes," says Hawkins, "I was all broken 
down when I arrived in Saint Louis some 
months ago. I came here on the advice of 
my physician, and must say that New York 
is a damp, unhealthful city in which to live. 



166 THE GRAFTER 

"My father and mother died," continued 
Hawkins, "when I was a mere youth, and an 
aunt was appointed my guardian. I spent 
my boyhood days with her. She was a 
miserly old soul, and made mints of money 
in mining and other investments during the 
early years of her life. I lived with her until 
I was twenty-one years of age. She was too 
old to properly look after her business interests 
and investments, and I tried to lighten her 
burden and take the responsibility off her 
shoulders. I watched over her as I would a 
mother, and as a result she felt toward me 
like a son. She frequently so expressed her- 
self. But, Mr. Green, she died a few years 
ago, and in her will has manifested her ap- 
preciation of my vigilance over her during 
the later years of her life. Yes, the dis- 
tribution of her estate, which involves one 
hundred thousand dollars, is now pending in a 
New York court and the case is scheduled to 
come up for trial in six months, but might be 
tried before that time. If it does, of course 
I can meet the note as soon as a verdict is 
rendered. If the verdict is favorable to me, 
I will come into possession of forty -five thou- 
sand dollars which she bequeathed to me." 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 167 

Presently the door opened and in walked 
The Honorable Colonel David Peter Simp- 
kins, the only man who made the fake prize- 
fighting graft a specialty for over a year at a 
time and avoided incarceration. 

"Mr. Simpkins," says I, ''have you ever 
had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Green?" 

''I have not : I am glad to know you, Mr. 
Green," says Simpkins, as he grasped Green's 
hand with bulldog tenacity. 

"And this is Mr. Hawkins, Mr. Simpkins," 
says I. 

"I'm glad to know you, Mr. Hawkins," 
says Simpkins, nonchalantly. 

"Mr. Hawkins," says I, addressing Simp- 
kins, "is also figuring on purchasing a half- 
interest in the business." 

"From where do you hail, Mr. Hawkins?" 
says Simpkins. 

"My home is in New York City, where I 
am associated with a firm of attorneys and 
counsellors who practically monopolize the 
law business in New York City." 

"It's a strange coincidence that we should 
meet here," says Simpkins. "New York is 
where I am from. I have spent the greater 
part of the last ten years in your city, and, 



168 THE GRAFTER 

believe me, I know Little Old New York as 
well as the average depot agent in the small 
burg knows his home town." 

"In what business were you engaged in 
New York?" says Hawkins. 

"Well," says Simpkins, "I have done noth- 
ing particularly lately but spend my money, 
but some years ago I used to make Wall 
Street my headquarters and I used to specu- 
late considerably. I did not seem to realize 
that it was the wrong game for me until I 
had run through with a small fortune. At 
one time I had one hundred thousand dollars. 
But I mixed with the bulls and bears, specu- 
lated on railroad and municipal bonds and 
dealt with the bookmakers, and it was but a 
few years until I had about fifteen thousand 
left out of one hundred thousand dollars. I 
purchased a section of the best farming land 
in the Missouri Valley, which is the only thing 
I have left. But it is a good farm, and I 
receive enough rentals therefrom to get three 
square meals a day and to purchase chewing- 
tobacco and other miscellaneous essentials." 

"My dear Simpkins," says I, "pardon me 
for interrupting you, but Mr. Hawkins has 
an important engagement at 4 : 30 p. m., and 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 169 

I believe the object of your errand here was 
to talk over the probable purchase of a half- 
interest in Mr. Green's business." 

"It was," says Simpkins. 

Well, I consumed half an hour in explaining 
to Simpkins the principles of the business. 
He talked quite favorably, and said he had 
often thought he would like to be in the real- 
estate business. 

"I hold a mortgage for five thousand dollars 
on my farm," says Simpkins; "it's due in 
five months and bears ten per cent interest 
from date. At that time I intend to start 
up a real-estate business. I want to start up 
a good business on a large scale that will pay 
well. If Mr. Green's business is for sale at 
that time, I would certainly like to purchase 
the half -interest at the price he asks for it. 
Or," continued Simpkins, "it might be that 
Mr. Hawkins would purchase the entire busi- 
ness, in which event I would still hope to have 
a chance at the business. But possibly I can 
make some arrangements to collect the mort- 
gage before it is due. At least I will make 
some effort to do so." 

"You would not, then," says I, "be able 
to raise the five thousand now?" 



170 THE GRAFTER 

"I would not," says Simpkins. 

''I will tell you what I would do, however, 
provided, of course, it is agreeable to Mr. 
Green. I will give you my note for five thou- 
sand dollars, due the same date the mortgage 
becomes payable, with ten per cent interest 
from date." 

"What do you say, Mr. Green?" says I. 
''Mr. Simpkins owns one of the best sections 
of land in the Missouri Valley. He paid ten 
thousand for it and it's worth double the 
price. I have known Mr. Simpkins for a 
number of years, and I have always found his 
word to be as good as his note;" (neither of 
which, dear reader, you understand, ever bore 
any intrinsic value ;) "he is a man of honesty, 
integrity and absolute faithfulness, with whom 
I would intrust my last dollar, and his char- 
acter is beyond reproach." (I thought of sub- 
stituting "approach" for reproach, but I 
didn't want to do anything that would impede 
the closing of the deal.) 

"Well," says Green, "I wanted a little 
money now to buy them there shares in the 
Inextant Copper Company, but, under the 
circumstances, I suppose I had just as well 
accept these gentlemen's notes." 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 171 

"You had," says I. 

The blank notes were filled out for five 
thousand dollars each. Hawkins and Simp- 
kins appended their signatures to the notes 
with no more reluctance or hesitation than 
they would manifest in signing a receipt for 
a like amount. 

A bill of sale was hastily written. Signa- 
tures were appended thereto, and I afiixed 
my notarial seal and witnessed the trans- 
action. The notes were turned over to Green 
and he immediately left the office, and was so 
elated over the sale that he probably pro- 
mulgated news of the transaction to passers- 
by. He was highly pleased, and, before he 
pocketed the notes, he looked them over just 
as though they were really valuable papers 
and bore the signature of the Register of the 
Treasury. 

Hawkins and Simpkins and I all shook 
hands and congratulated each other on the 
closing of the deal. 

"I had always thought that I was pretty 
far advanced in the profession," says Haw- 
kins, "but I'll frankly admit that this is an 
opportunity I have overlooked for a long 
time. There is no reason why we shouldn't 



172 THE GRAFTER 

have been taking in the tens months ago, and 
the only expenses that will be incurred is for 
postage stamps. Just think of it. After a 
few weeks we ought to be receiving from three 
to five hundred dollars a day, and all the re- 
ceipts above our postage stamps and labor 
will be clear profit. Think of it, gentlemen, 
think of it." 

''The business now," says Simpkins, ''will 
be run under the firm-name of Hawkins & 
Simpkins." 

"Never," says Hawkins. 

"Why not.^" says Simpkins. 

"There is no reason why it should, when we 
can, by another firm-name, increase the life 
of the business possibly by half and the daily 
receipts and division of the spoils will be the 
same." 

"What firm-name would you suggest .f^" says 
Simpkins. 

"I am surprised at you," says Hawkins. 

"I'm on now," says Simpkins. 

"Well, it's about time, isn't it. Colonel? 
I am surprised at your ideas of realism and 
exactitude in art, and would further say that 
you seem to be void of originality. The 
honor, of course, is all yours, and the firm- 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 173 

name will be Colonel David Peter Simpkins, 
Esq., Special Broker. It will remain thus 
until one of Uncle Sam's emissaries pays us a 
final call, and then the firm-name will be 
changed to * Jno. Hawkins, Esq., R. E. Dealer 
and Special Broker,' — thus giving property- 
owners a change. The credulous like a change, 
and versatility is a good thing in any game." 

"My dear co-worker," says Simpkins, ''I 
have followed the game of the illicit solicita- 
tion and elicitation of money from the credu- 
lous for a long time, but never had I met up 
with one of the profession who was endowed 
with, or rather who had later acquired, such 
relevant and far-reaching ideas, conceptions, 
surmises and concoctions as yourself, and I 
certainly wish to compliment you." 

''You'll have me all puffed up here," says 
Hawkins, ''and I'll lose interest in the work if 
you don't desist." 

"I will," says Simpkins, "and may the life 
of the business be long ; but I've known you for 
some time, Hawkins, and you have never yet 
unburdened yourself of a full, complete, lucid 
and unexpurgated life history of yourself, nor 
have you even told me how you came to 
choose the profession." 



174 THE GEAFTER 

"Well," says Hawkins, ''I don't like to be 
egotistical, or excessively eloquent and lo- 
quacious, but, now that you have asked for 
information, I'll unburden a little, and, if 
brevity is the soul of wit, I'll possibly win 
your esteem, because it will be brief. 

"To begin with, I, like most other in- 
dustrious youths, began to have aspirations, 
ambitions and expectations before I had 
passed out of my adolescence, and they never 
ran along the lines of endowing colleges, 
building libraries for the ultimate edification 
of the laity, nor starting in the oil business in 
competition with Jno. D. Rockfeller. 

"When I was old enough to perceive and 
observe, I had a desire to some day be able 
to transfer money from a sober man's pocket 
into mine while he was looking on. And I 
find that any ambition, aspiration or expecta- 
tion, if it comes within the bounds of reason, 
can generally be realized by assiduous faith 
in and devotion to the cause ; and I hadn't 
reached a very mature age until I attained 
the achievement to which I aspired. 

"And, after I had demonstrated to myself 
the feasibility of my expectations and aspira- 
tions, I never inunyyife took money from a 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 175 

dupe unless I thoroughly believed that the 
thought existed on his part that he was get- 
ting the equivalent thereto. 

'*! never duped an ignorant person in my 
life but what I was afforded some consolation 
by the thought that some one else would get 
his money if I didn't, so why not I? 

"Unlike yourself, my dear Simpkins, I am 
a true lover of the profession, and I believe 
in working the people as a whole, rather than 
too much on any one individual. I like petty 
grafts. I would sooner have the fun of dup- 
ing twenty people for a dollar each than I 
would to set some poor, credulous, frugal 
economy-howler back for a hundred at a 
throw. 

"In your fake prize-fighting graft you set 
'em back ten thousand dollars at a sitting. 
That's too much. I have a certain amount of 
conscience in the art, and I don't believe in 
duping anyone if it is going to seriously handi- 
cap him or impede his progress in carrying on 
his life-work. If you were a true lover of the 
art, Simpkins, you would have devoted more 
of your intuitive and acquired knowledge to 
petty grafts, instead of making enough at one 
haul to permit you to loaf six months at a 



176 THE GRAFTER 

time. It has made you indolent. It has 
made your expectations so high that you will 
never be satisfied with easy and petty grafts. 

"And another thing : I have always prided 
myself on the thought that I never took money 
from anyone in my life that they did not re- 
ceive something in return therefor. That's 
one of the rules of the game to which I per- 
tinaciously adhered, namely, never to take 
money from a credulous person unless I left 
him something to remember me, or rather 
the transaction, by. Whether it was some 
harmless, near insolvable puzzle that whole- 
sales at 25 cents a gross and retails at 25 cents 
each; whether it was a key to some hidden 
treasure, or some lithographer's art in the way 
of shares in some unmerited and non-dividend- 
paying mining enterprise, — nevertheless I al- 
ways left something with them to remind 
them, in their later years, of their credulity, 
and that experience is the best teacher. 

"Another principle in the profession by 
which I was always governed and to which I 
partially attributed my success, was never to 
dupe the opposite sex, unless, of course, I lim- 
ited the extent of their victimization to a 
very small amount, so frivolous that they 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 177 

would only be amused at their credulity and 
look upon the incident as a joke rather than 
a misfortune. This thing of duping a woman 
never appealed to me as an attainment to 
which one might point with pride. I like to 
dupe a man. I like to victimize people who 
can afford to lose. I like to get money from 
the worthless and indolent and retired, who 
are no good to themselves or anyone else, but 
who, after having accumulated a few thou- 
sand, spend their time in idleness, boasting of 
what they have ; from those who exercise such 
frugal and economic modes of life that they 
deprive themselves of necessities for the pur- 
pose of boasting of what they have. 

"When I used to make a specialty of sell- 
ing reprints from famous paintings by famous 
artists, I then thought I had attained the 
height of my ambition. Yes, I used to make 
a specialty of these alleged famous paintings. 
They cost me fifty cents each, and I never sold 
one for less than five hundred dollars. I 
liked to sell them, because the people to whom 
they were disposed could well afford to lose. 
I generally chose the ignorant rich, and in- 
variably made them believe they had an eye 
for art ^.nd an ear for music. The persons 



178 THE GRAFTER 

upon whom I worked my little * art imposition' 
were persons who could part with a thousand 
dollars as easily as the average man could 
part with so many cents. They were mostly 
retired farmers, who had accumulated thou- 
sands of dollars in agriculture and stock-rais- 
ing, and who had later moved to cities, seeking 
a place where they might be afforded the best 
educational facilities for their children. Yes, 
this art graft was interesting and amusing. 
What does a farmer know about art? The 
extent of their victimization depended en- 
tirely on their credulity, as the average far- 
mer's knowledge of literature, music and art 
is about as limited as a newsboy's finances on 
July fifth. 

''And, too," continued Hawkins, "I've al- 
ways prided myself on the thought that I've 
never taken money from the hip pocket of a 
newsboy ; I've never sent a bootblack up on 
the clock shelf for his iron bank, giving him 
some harmless toy for the contents thereof ; 
I've never asked a washerwoman to go down 
in her lisles for her last dollar bill with which 
to purchase any of Hawkins's Celebrated Pain 
Allayer or any of my other numerous remedies 
pf which I dispose for a nominal sum," 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 179 

"You're getting me interested, now," says 
Simpkins. "Of what does this Celebrated 
Pain Allayer consist?" 

"The main and only ingredients," says 
Hawkins, "are coloring matter, flavoring, and 
pure water. I mix twenty-five cents' worth 
of flavoring and coloring matter in sufficient 
water to fill four gross of half-pint bottles, 
and they always sell readily at fifty cents 
each. Of course, the coloring matter is not 
essential, but I put it in, as people like some- 
thing that is pleasing to the eye, and I think 
it sells more readily than it would if aqua and 
flavoring were the only ingredients." 

"Of all the reprehensible impositions em- 
ployed in the illicit elicitation of money from 
the credulous, I declare your petty grafts to 
be the worst," says Simpkins. 

"Well, my dear Colonel, after our in- 
ception we'll have more time to discuss, for 
the purposes of comparison, the relative 
merits and demerits of our respective grafts, 
and, as aforesaid, may the life of the business 
be long." 

Hawkins and Simpkins, with the assist- 
ance of Shorty, soon began to "do things," 



180 THE GR.1FTER 

and they started out in a most business-like 
manner. 

A by-law of the firm was. to pay for noth- 
ing but postage stamps used in connection 
with the business, and either party, upon an 
inadvertent infraction of this most rigid by- 
law, would be chastised by thi'ee severe strokes 
on the wrist ; and, upon a second violation 
of this first and only by-law, he would be ad- 
monished severely by the other party and be 
compelled to sever his connection with the 
firm for a week ; or, in preference thereto, he 
would be granted the pri^dlege of giving a 
bancjuet for the "bunch" at the best hotel 
in Saint Louis, with the distinct understanding 
that everyone connected with the firm, all my 
past employes and then- wives or sweethearts, 
if any, or anyone who had ever been instru- 
mental in fostering the business at any time, 
would be extended an invitation. 

The necessary stationery, advertising htera- 
ture, etc., were printed, and, in ordering the 
first lot, a sufiicient supply was ordered to 
last for several months, or at least about the 
time when it was probable that Simpkins 
would be threatened with indictment or to 
discontinue the business. 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 18l 

Letter heads were printed on the finest 
bond paper, and bore the following head : 
"David Peter Simpkins, Esq., Special Bro- 
ker." 

Shorty immediately set to work sending out 
advertising to hundreds of different papers 
and periodicals, requesting that same be run 
in every issue of the publication for four 
months, and that bills therefor be sent in at 
the expiration of that time, when prompt re- 
mittance would be made to cover. 

Of course it is a difficult matter nowadays 
for any financially responsible business man 
to evade the payment of just claims, such as 
advertising, etc., if he would remain in busi- 
ness any great length of time, as reference or 
inquiry from Bradstreet, Dunn and Company 
will generally give the financial standing and 
integrity, or lack thereof, of anyone in busi- 
ness. 

But Hawkins and Simpkins didn't intend 
to remain in business only until they would 
be notified to discontinue it, and they had 
never previously conducted a mail-order busi- 
ness ; therefore, but little was known of them, 
and when a publishing company would re- 
ceive a letter under the head of "Colonel 



182 THE GRAFTEtl 

David Peter Simpkins, Special Broker," 
written on nice bond paper, it would, upon 
being unable to secure relevant information 
from Bradstreet and Dunn, generally assume 
that the financial responsibility of Simpkins 
was a thing not to be questioned, and in four 
cases out of five the publishers would accept 
ads. for insertion in their papers with the 
understanding that same were to be paid for 
in four months. 

After Hawkins and Simpkins had been send- 
ing out advertising for a few days, I was in 
their office one day, talking on matters per- 
taining to the profession and narrating some 
of my experiences, when a new thought came 
to me. 

It was my custom to pay for my advertis- 
ing; in fact, I paid all my bills. There was 
nothing else for me to do but pay, as I was 
financially responsible and I either had to 
pay my bills of necessity or transfer my sur- 
reptitiously acquired dollars into some friend's 
name, to preclude the probability of judg- 
ments being secured against me for non-pay- 
ment. Therefore, I had always paid my bills, 
but I could well afford to do so, because I 
always made money and plenty of it. 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 183 

When this new thought came to me I was 
sure that my greatest expense, namely, that 
of advertising, would be done away with at 
least during the life of Simpkins and Hawkins's 
business. 

I knew that I had, in the past, paid pub- 
lishing companies as much or more than any 
one individual in the United States conduct- 
ing a business of a like nature. It is only 
reasonable to assume, therefore, that I had 
the esteem of every publisher in the United 
States with whom I used to advertise, and I 
used to advertise in all the best result-pro- 
ducing papers. 

When this new thought came to me I 
was running the "Infallible Collection 
Agency," and I advertised quite extensively, 
but, if my newly devised theory proved 
practical, I knew I could advertise more ex- 
tensively than I ever had before, and that 
such advertising would be gratuitous or com- 
plimentary on the part of the publishers. 

"Gentlemen," says I, "I have an idea." 

"What is it?" they asked in unison. 

"Well," says I, "by a little cooperation 
and your consent, which, of course, will be 
forthcoming, I can advertise more extensively 



184 THE GRAFTER 

without cost to me than I have ever previously 
advertised and paid for it." 

"How's that?" says Hawkins. 

''It's this way," says I: "you leave this 
placing of advertising with me. I'll take 
care of it, and you should advise Shorty to 
not send out another ad. You know what I 
have paid the publishers when I was conduct- 
ing the business on the ten-dollar plan. I 
paid them thousands and thousands of dollars 
a year. And, as a result, I don't believe many 
of the publishers with whom I used to adver- 
tise have forgotten me. I'll put Shorty to 
work getting out a circular letter, wherein I 
will inform the publishers that I am in position 
to hand them some business from a responsible 
real-estate broker. I'll impress upon them 
the fact that I have paid them thousands of 
dollars, and, in appreciation thereof, I'll ask 
a reciprocation in the way of gratuitous ad- 
vertising. I'll vouch for your financial re- 
sponsibility and integrity, but I'U inform the 
publishers that I should be compensated for 
my services and instrumentality, and agree 
to refer them to you, providing, of course, they 
will double the advertising rate on you and 
give me a free ad. of like size, for my instru- 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 185 

mentality and influence exercised in getting 
them the business." 

"My dear co-worker," says Hawkins, "I 
wish to congratulate you jointly, both in the 
name of the firm and myself." 

Simpkins also extended congratulations, 
and said that I should be recognized as the 
leading grafter of the nineteenth century, and 
that my name should go down in the annals 
of the profession as being one who ''estab- 
lished new precedents in and made greater 
the possibilities of the profession." 

I rang for Shorty, and, in the presence 
of Hawkins and Simpkins, I dictated a letter 
to be sent to every publisher whose name 
was contained in the advertisers' directory. 
The letter was to be written on my letter head, 
and read as follows : 



"Gentlemen: I don't suppose you have forgotten me. I 
believe, during the life of my real-estate business, a few years 
ago, I paid you more money than any one individual. In appre- 
ciation of the business I have given you, I ask a reciprocation 
which will involve no expense whatever on your part, nor will it 
lessen the price at which space is sold in your paper. 

"It lies in my power to hand you a piece of business. I can 
refer you to a responsible attorney and real-estate man who is 
just starting up a new business, which is now on a good paying 
basis. 

"The party is financially responsible, he is a good business 



186 THE GRAFTER 

man, and has known nothing but prosperity since his inception 
into the business world. 

"Please ask no questions, but, in brief, this is what I have to 
lay before you : This party wants to run a two-inch ad. in your 
paper every issue for six months, at the end of which time he 
will make payment therefor. I want to run an ad. of like size 
in your paper for the same length of time. 

"My proposition is this: I want you to charge this party 
double advertising rates and run my ad. free for the same length 
of time by reason of my having been instrumental in landing the 
business for you. 

"I don't care to answer questions or go into details with 
you, and you can signify whether or not you look upon the prop- 
osition with favor by words 'yes' or 'no.' 

"Let me hear promptly, please. 
Yours truly." 

It was but a few days until I began to re- 
ceive replies from the publishers. Not every 
one was favorable to the proposition, but 
three out of every four were. Some would 
state, in their letter accepting such a propo- 
sition, that they would accept such with the 
distinct understanding that I should at all 
times maintain a reticent attitude and never 
let it become known to a living soul. Some 
would, in their letter of acceptance, politely 
inform me that they were discinclined to ac- 
cept such a proposition, but, in appreciation 
of the business I had given them in the past, 
they would, in this particular case, deviate 
from their straightforward business prin- 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 18*7 

ciples to which the firm attributed its success. 
Some would unceremoniously reprimand me, 
and resent the insult of my even intimating 
that they would be disposed to participate in 
such an unscrupulous fraud upon the unknown 
''advertiser," and would further go on, and, in 
their letter of denunciation, they would state 
that I must be devoid of character, of honor, 
and that my career must be checkered. How- 
ever, hundreds and hundreds of the publishers 
accepted the proposition and the respective 
businesses of the "Infallible Collection 
Agency" and "Colonel David Peter Simp- 
kins, Esq., Special Broker" began to pick up. 

After a few days Simpkins began to receive 
ten-dollar drafts, checks, and money orders 
infrequently. Later they came in more fre- 
quent, and, considering that the only expense 
of Simpkins would be for stamps, his future 
bore a more propitious aspect as the life of 
the business increased. 

But few weeks passed until they increased 
their office force. The great amount of mail 
and increased business made such absolutely 
necessary. More clerks and stenographers 
were hired and vigilance was at all times exer- 
cised to see that each clerk discharged his 



188 THE GRAFTER 

duties without whiling away any of his time 
with no avail. Each clerk was at all times 
expected to work, and he did work, but he 
was well paid for all services rendered. 

Not a day passed but what a steady in- 
crease in the daily receipts could be noticed, 
and Hawkins and Simpkins were becoming 
financially greater by a few hundred dollars 
each day. 

As time passed and advertising bills be- 
came due, the business of Colonel David 
Peter Simpkins became a little different in its 
nature for the amusement of members of the 
firm, "innocent bystanders" and *'hangers- 
around." Of course, the listing of property 
was still carried on, but, in addition thereto, 
the office, or rather the members of the firm, 
assumed humorous propensities and branched 
out into a "polite vaudeville house," at which 
no admission was charged, for amusement of 
certain people at the expense of others. 

Dear reader, imagine, if you will, a string of 
collectors and bank clerks steadily ascending 
and descending the stairs each day, the object 
of their errand being to collect money from 
Colonel David Peter Simpkins. Imagine how 
it would look to see collectors and bank clerks 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 189 

flocking the office and descending and ascend- 
ing the stairs hke a string of ants. It wouldn't 
have been so ludicrous if they had ever suc- 
ceeded in getting any money from the Colonel, 
but efforts at such an impracticable feat were 
always futile. 

I was amused at the Colonel one day, 
shortly after the advertising contracts began 
to come due. I had been in the office but an 
hour, and during that time twenty-eight per- 
sons called to talk money out of the Colonel. 
But their efforts were humorous and unsuc- 
cessful. Of the 28, six were attorneys repre- 
senting publishing houses, four were in- 
dividuals who made a specialty of collecting, 
and eighteen were bank clerks and collectors 
representing other agencies. 

The ofiice door was open that day, and I 
could see down the hallway. Four of the 
bank clerks and collectors were coming up the 
hall in single file, about the same distance 
apart, and one not familiar with the object of 
their errand would have thought they were 
practicing for some drill. 

Simpkins arose from his chair and went to 
the door. 

"You boys just wait there a few minutes 



190 THE GRAFTER 

in your respective order. There has got to 
be some system adopted about this, and you 
fellows must take your turns." 

They waited outside. Simpkins came in 
and sat down at his desk. He cut a piece of 
paper into four smaller pieces, and numbered 
them from one to four. He handed them to 
the respective collectors and informed each 
that this time he must "take his turn." 

''You're first, numerically speaking," says 
Simpkins to No. 1. "What can I do for 
you?" 

"I came to collect a bill for eighty dollars 
due such-and-such a publishing company." 

*'Do you like your work?" says the Colonel. 

"Fairly well," says the collector. 

" Collecting is a mighty fine vocation for a 
young man to take up for a life-work, and I 
think your selection of such an interesting 
work is a judicious one. It gives one food for 
thought and one always has something to do. 
I have often thought that I would like some- 
thing of the kind, but I suppose I'm getting 
too old now." 

"Well, what about the bill.?" says the Col- 
lector. 

"There's nothing about it that I know of/' 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 191 

responded Simpkins ; "I suppose it is a bill, 
the same as any other bill." 

"Well, do you intend to pay it?" says the 
Collector. 

'*Not to you," says Simpkins ; "it's against 
the rules and by-laws of the firm to make pay- 
ments for anything other than direct to the 
house." 

"I suppose, then," says the Collector, "that 
it would be useless for me to try to get the 
money out of you." 

"It would," says Simpkins, "as far as I 
know. Good-bye, my boy, good-bye," was 
Simpkins's concludent remark as he opened 
the door for No. 1 to egress and to permit of 
the ingression of No. 2. 

"You're next," says Simpkins. 

No. 2 came in. "What can I do for you?" 
says Simpkins. 

"You can let me have sixty-five dollars in 
payment of this bill," says No. 2. "I repre- 
sent the Southern Collection Agency." 

"You do?" says Simpkins. 

"I do," says the Coll. 

"It's real sweet of you," says Simpkins, 
"but the season hardly permits of your being 
§0 far north as Saint Louis, does it?" 



192 THE GRAFTER 

"Come on across with the sixty-five," says 
No. 2. 

"Now, young man, you're actually abusing 
me. You came right up here to my own office 
and are grossly insulting me and attempting 
to collect money. I don't know who you are, 
and consequently I'll pay my bills direct to 
the house. How were all the folks when you 
left Memphis.?" 

No. 2 failed to respond to the remark, and 
left the office. 

"No. 3," says Simpkins, "you're next." 

"I'm from such-and-such a bank, and have 
a draft on you for fifty dollars," says No. 3. 

"I'm glad you called, son," says Simpkins. 
"I have been hard pressed for cash for the 
last few days, and that fifty will help con- 
siderably. Do you have the money with you 
to cash it.f^" continued Simpkins. 

"You misunderstand me," says the Bank 
Clerk; "I have a draft on you; that is, 
such-and-such a publishing company requests 
our bank to collect the amount of the draft 
from you in payment for advertising you owe 
them." 

"Young man," says Simpkins, "I never 
' heerd' of such a thing. You're a thief, you're 




"Young man," says Simpkins, "I never 'heerd' of 
such a thing. You're a thief, you're a robber." 



194 THE GRAFTER 

a robber, you call here at my own office at- 
tempting to intimidate me and frighten me 
into paying you money. You are a black- 
mailer. Leave the office at once or I'll call 
the police." 

No. 3 egressed. 

"You're next, No. 4," says Simpkins. 

"Here is a bill for forty dollars advertising," 
says No. 4. 

"It's a very nice-looking bill, too," says 
Simpkins, "and I greatly admire the pen- 
manship of the author of the bill and the 
artistic manner in which the bill is gotten up. 
I always did like those Old English type, and 
the bill is printed on such good bond paper, 
too." 

"What are you giving me?" says the Coll. 
"I'm here to collect this money, and I mean 
to do it." 

"You may proceed," says Simpkins ; "but 
really, my boy, you are intimidating me, and 
you are not a nice man or you would not talk 
so roughly." 

When a bank clerk or collector would come 
to the office and talk on the relevant subject, 
namely, why a certain bill should be paid, 
Hawkins and Simpkins would readily inform 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 195 

him that there was nothing doing; that it 
was against the principles of the firm to make 
payments to any bank clerk, collector or 
agent of any publishing company or corpora- 
tion whatever; that one of the principles to 
which the firm always adhered was to ''al- 
ways pay direct to the house." So, as far as 
getting money was concerned, the collectors 
and bank clerks were always immediately 
given to understand that such would be im- 
possible and that there was nothing doing. 

However, both Simpkins and Hawkins were 
the most agreeable persons ever; they were 
excellent conversationalists, and, when their 
time was not too busily occupied, they were 
at all times willing to confer with the clerks 
or collectors on matters pertaining to the 
weather, baseball, the industrial development 
of St. Louis, the amelioration of the adverse 
conditions with which the laboring man has 
to cope, and the Government ownership of 
railroads; they were also willing to debate 
with any professional or amateur collector on 
the relative popularity of Eugene V. Debs, 
William Jennings Bryan, or Doctor Cook; 
they would also converse and discourse with 
the collectors on "the high cost of living," or 



196 THE GRAFTER 

the "cost of high Hving," and as to what 
particular remedy could be brought about 
that would tend to better conditions ; they 
would also talk on race wars, white hopes and 
other current or historical topics. In fact, 
they were always willing to converse with the 
collectors or dispense information at any time 
on any subject if it did not pertain to the col- 
lection of money. 

At the end of four months from Simpkins's 
inception into the new business he was taking 
in an average of from five to eight hundred 
dollars a day, and it is understood, of course, 
that, with the exception of forty or fifty dol- 
lars a day for postage stamps and a certain 
amount for clerk-hire, all was clear profit, to 
be divided equally between Hawkins and 
Simpkins. 

But, as the life of the business increased, 
do not assume that the number of collectors 
who called at the office decreased in the least, 
because, dear reader, it did not. 

Of course, not many months had passed 
until the collectors had learned that efforts 
to collect money from Simpkins were futile, 
but, of course, the bank clerks and collectors 
didn't all get paid on a commission, and they 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 197 

called with as much regularity as though they 
had always gotten money. In fact, some of 
the collectors grew to like Simpkins : Simp- 
kins had a droll manner of telling things, and 
his remarks invariably brought forth laughter 
when he was good-natured. Some of the col- 
lectors, therefore, realizing that their efforts 
to get money from him were unsuccessful, 
began to appreciate his humor, and they sort 
o' liked to while away a few minutes' time 
with Simpkins when they called, if he was in 
a good humor. They liked him because he 
was good-natured ; when he was not too 
busy, he would deliver wit and humor to the 
bank clerks and collectors for a half -hour at a 
time, and they liked to listen to his chatter. 

It would be useless here to explain the prin- 
ciples of the business, as they have previously 
been explained in this story. It was the same 
old daily routine, run exactly as it was when 
I was conducting the business, the only dif- 
ference, of course, being that Simpkins, being 
irresponsible, paid no bills and spasmodically 
duped the advertisers, and I, being financially 
responsible, paid all bills to avoid suits being 
filed against me for non-payment. 

But the terms and everything were exactly 



198 THE GRAFTER 

the same, and each chent was charged ten 
dollars for the honor of having the Colonel 
insert a two-line description of his or her 
property in some paper with small circulation. 
Some of the advertisements were to be paid 
for in four and others in six months after their 
initial insertion. At the end of that time, of 
course, upon the failure and neglect of Simp- 
kins to remit amounts covering, publishers 
became suspicious, and, when the advertisers 
found that they had been swindled, they 
therefore discontinued carrying Simpkins's 
ads., and, as they did so, so did the daily re- 
ceipts of Simpkins decrease proportionately. 
Of course, the tens came in after the expiration 
of such advertising agreements, but they came 
in with decreasing frequency, and each day's 
mail brought in duns and bills from publishers 
galore. Daily he received letters from pub- 
lishing companies in which they would 
threaten to bring suit for the non-payment of 
advertising; others would be lenient, and 
would try, in a nice way, to get Simpkins to 
remit ; others would write abusive letters, and 
intimate therein to the Honorable Colonel 
David Peter Simpkins that he was a grafter. 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 199 

thereby wounding Mr. Simpkins's feelings not 
one bit. 

The bills came in in such numbers that the 
janitor work and the amount of coal consumed 
was considerably lessened when Hawkins one 
day suggested that the duns and bills be 
burned a natural death in one of Mr. Beck- 
with's Round-oak stoves for which a St. 
Louis hardware man would never receive pay- 
ment. If Hawkins and Simpkins had been 
paying their fuel bills, I would have almost 
estimated that the duns alone would have 
decreased their fuel bill by half. 

Everything had gone along all right as far 
as interference was concerned, until one day 
when in walked no other than Frederick P. 
Cones, a Post Office Inspector who had been 
in service of the Government for a number of 
years, previous to which time he was at the 
head of the largest private detective agency 
in Boston. He was one of the shrewdest men 
of his kind I had ever seen, and I don't sup- 
pose there was an illegitimate mail-order busi- 
ness conducted but what the proprietor had 
heard of this man Cones. Cones was a man 
who never gave a grafter any tips previous 



200 THE GRAFTER 

to his visits. And he never swooped down on 
any fraudulent business without first having 
made a careful investigation as to all the 
methods of the business, and he always came 
with sufficient tangible evidence under his 
arm to prove fraudulent any business against 
which complaints may have been made to the 
Federal authorities. 

Well, when this man Cones drifted into the 
office with a big bundle of complaints against 
Simpkins, the latter, of course, knew just 
exactly what was coming. 

"I believe," says Cones, '*that you are 
successor to Mr. Charles Green, Specialist, 
and that your name is David Peter Simpkins. 
Are you guilty?" 

"I am," says Simpkins. 

"Well, Mr. Simpkins," says the Cones man, 
"it seems that this business is sort of becoming 
a habit with certain of you unscrupulous 
scoundrels w^ho hand out bait to the credulous 
in the way of deceptive advertising and cir- 
cular letters that are never lived up to." 

"It is," says Simpkins. "I've been expect- 
ing you, Mr. Cones, or one of your fellow- 
workers, for a long time. In fact, I haven't 
seen any of you post office inspectors for so 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 201 

long that I was wondering if you weren't going 
to forget me." 

"Not on your life," says the P. I. "We 
have kept track of you ever since you started 
out. We have frequently received complaints 
from clients whom you have defrauded for ten 
dollars per. Here are only a few of them," 
continued the P. I., as he untied a package 
which contained hundreds and hundreds of 
complaints. "These complaints are not only 
from clients whose property you have failed 
to sell for the ten-dollar fee, but some of them 
would indicate that you have branched out a 
little, and that, unlike Green and his prede- 
cessor, you have tried a little game on the ad- 
vertisers. I have here scores of letters from 
publishing companies, each of which alleges 
that you have failed, neglected and refused to 
remit amounts due them for advertising in 
accordance with letter of agreement." 

"If you show me," says Simpkins, "a 
written statement over my signature from a 
publishing company wherein I have refused 
to pay any outstanding bills against me, I'll 
buy you a hat." 

"That's why I'm not prepared to indict you 
today," says the P. I., "merely because your 



W^ THE GRAFTER 

refusals to pay bills have not been in writing. 
But on this ten-dollar fee business," says 
the P. I., "I have you, Mr. Simpkins, and 
you'd just as well shut up your roller-top and 
bid the business good-bye." 

''I'm on," says Simpkins; "I knew what 
was coming, Mr. Cones. Come across and 
let's have a little drink. I've worked my little 
imposition long enough, and I'll return all 
tens received from this date. I suppose I'll 
hear from you in a day or two," says Simpkins. 

"You will," says the P. I., ''and, unless all 
moneys are returned after this date, you will 
be indicted." 

"I'm very grateful to you, Mr. Cones, for 
your admonition," says Simpkins, "and I will 
be governed accordingly." 

They left the office and made their way to 
a near-by buffet, Cones taking with him his 
burdensome package of complaints. 

During the time Simpkins had been con- 
ducting the business he had taken in over 
fifty thousand dollars. He had long been 
expecting this visit by the post office in- 
spector, and, therefore, he was not in the 
least surprised or disappointed. In fact, when 
he started the business, he had nothing to lose 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 203 

and everything to gain, and, had he been able 
to conduct the business for but thirty days, 
he would have been well satisfied. 

In a few minutes in walked John Hawkins. 

"My dear Hawkins," says Simpkins, ''the 
honor is all yours and the firm-nanae will be 
John Hawkins, Esq., Special Broker." 

"Oh, I see," says Hawkins; "you've had 
a caller." 

"I have," says Simpkins, "and it is a 
mystery to me that some P. I. has not visited 
us before this. Here we've been taking in 
the tens for nearly six months without de- 
tection, or rather molestation, and when we 
assumed management of the business, I really 
didn't think we'd last over a couple of 
months." 

"Neither did I," says Hawkins. "I think 
you've done exceedingly well, and, if I can last 
as long, we should be able to bring home as 
much money as Jack Johnson paid for dress 
suits to attend the Coronation and for getting 
his touring cars equipped with gold trim- 
mings." 

The reader will probably wonder what dis- 
position was made of the family driving horse 



^04 THE GRAFTER 

and rig which I received from Charles Green 
for my commission and instrumentaUty exer- 
cised in selhng the business to Simpkins and 
Hawkins. Well, I put an alluring little ad. 
in the "want ad." column of a local paper. 
Therein I claimed remote relationship between 
the nag and Dan Patch ; I claimed for her that 
she could do a mile in a little over 2 : 40, but, 
of course, I did not suggest subjecting her to a 
test for the purpose of corroborating the 
authenticity of my statement ; I also claimed, 
in the ad., that she was as "gentle as a 
lamb." 

Well, on the following day a typical un- 
sophisticated farmer rube called at the office. 
It was on a cold February morning, and amid 
the farmer's natural hirsute adornment were 
intermingling icicles, wheat-straws, et cetera, 
which were set off by a beautiful and harmo- 
nizing color scheme of tobacco-juice. He was 
a rube pure and simple, and he looked and 
later proved to be credulous. 

He alleged that he lived a few miles from 
St. Louis; that his daughter was attending 
school in St. Louis, and daily drove to and 
from home to school. But he said what he 



SIMPKINS AND HAWKINS 205 

wanted was a good, gentle horse, which he 
could trust his daughter to drive without 
jeopardizing her life. 

Well, I assured the gent that the nag of 
which I would dispose was as "docile as a 
lamb ;" that she had never, to my knowledge, 
manifested any refractory or recalcitrant pro- 
pensities or inclinations ; that I had driven 
her for several years, but could not recall a 
single instance where she had endeavored to 
perform or maintain her equilibrium with the 
aid of but two or less feet ; that she would flirt 
with steam calliopes, and that the resonance 
of their music was pleasing to her ears ; that 
she had been known, while in close propin- 
quity to a threshing-machine, to scoff at it 
and give evidence of a combative and pug- 
nacious disposition, yet palpably maintaining 
her serenity at same time ; and that she was a 
quadruped of which any man or woman might 
be proud. 

Well, the gent took out a roll of bills about 
as big as a man's fist, and, removing therefrom 
a rubber band, he peeled off six hundred dol- 
lars' worth of various denominations. 

In return for this the gent received the 



\ 



206 THE GRAFTER 

horse, rig, harness and outfit complete, and 
thanked me. 

In a few minutes after the deal was closed 
Hawkins and Simpkins appeared in the office. 
I gave them each two hundred ; retained the 
other two hundred for incidentals. We then 
shook hands, made our way to a near-by 
buffet and proceeded to drink and discourse 
on the propitious cooperation which character- 
ized the second victimization of the credulous 
Mr. Green. 



CHAPTER VII. 
HAWKINS AND SIMPKINS 

A few days after the threatened indictment 
of Simpkins, Hawkins immediately proceeded 
to do things. 

He ordered a hundred thousand circular 
letters printed, and also a corresponding num- 
ber of circulars, pamphlets, gummed labels 
bearing his photo, and various other litera- 
ture, to be inclosed with outgoing mail. 

Of course, Simpkins had never paid for the 
letters and stationery he had used in the busi- 
ness, and Hawkins, therefore, placed his 
order with another firm, as he thought the 
circular letter specialist might associate him 
with Simpkins and refuse to accept his order 
without pay, because of similarity in the 
nature of the businesses and also the same 
geographical location thereof. 

Well, when he placed his order for this big 
lot of advertising and literature, the company 
accepted it without reluctance or hesitation 
or without investigation as to the financial 
responsibility of Hawkins, as they assumed, 

(207) 



208 THE GRAFTER 

from the size of the order, that he was finan- 
cially responsible and would outdo any com- 
petitor conducting a business of a like nature. 

The order for stationery, etc., was soon 
filled, and, upon receipt thereof. Shorty dis- 
engaged himself from a state of inactivity and 
reminiscences of the past, and started to send- 
ing out letters, advertising, etc., to such an 
extent that I assumed, for a time, he was en- 
deavoring to establish a new world's record 
for speed and endurance which would give the 
best in the Modern Order of Key Tappers and 
Amanuenses Union something to think about 
and strive to attain. 

Because all advertisers had so recently been 
duped by Simpkins, they seemed to profit by 
experience, and, in placing his advertising, 
Hawkins learned that only a very small pro- 
portion of the advertisers were disposed to 
extend him credit for advertising — they had 
been duped by Simpkins and some of them 
remembered it. However, hundreds and 
hundreds of advertisers accepted Hawkins's 
ad. with the understanding that same would 
be paid for in three or four months. Hawkins 
thought he would do well to last three months, 
and therefore there was no reason why he 



HAWKINS AND SIMPKINS S09 

should ask the pubHshers to extend him credit 
and run his ads. beyond that time; and a 
great many pubHshing companies extended 
him credit for three months without hesita- 
tion, whereas, had he requested six months' 
time, more of the pubhshers would have been 
disinclined to accept his advertising. 

But hundreds of publishing houses accepted 
his ads., and soon the business of John Haw- 
kins, Esquire, Special Broker, began to take 
on an active aspect, and the result of Haw- 
kins's first advertising was bringing in the 
tens before many days had passed. 

I happened to be in the office when Hawkins 
picked the first ten-dollar bill out of the mail 
received after the business was run under his 
name. Hawkins looked at that ten, then at 
me. 

*'My dear co-worker," says Hawkins, "no- 
tice this." 

"Oh, I see," says I, and we shook hands. 

"I want to again congratulate you," says 
Hawkins, "for giving us the tip to take ad- 
vantage of this opportunity which both 
Simpkins and I overlooked; it has already 
been the means of augmenting our financial 
capabilities by several thousand dollars, and 



210 THE GRAFTER 

I assure you that I'm going to disincorporate 
myself from participation in petty grafts that 
require itinerants as participants. I'm through 
with petty grafts for all time, and ever since 
Simpkins's inception I've been daily more 
keenly realizing that there's nothing to these 
petty grafts. There's nothing like leaning 
back in the leather chairs, puffing your 
Havanas and picking ten-dollar bills out of 
the mail, and I'm sure I wouldn't want any- 
thing better than this little old real-estate 
graft as long as it lasts ; and it don't need to 
last long until one is something to the good." 

"Well," says I, '*I'm mighty glad, Hawkins, 
that you are finally getting wise, and ever 
since you first lit in Saint Louis and began 
slipping your Celebrated Pain Allayer over 
on the dear public, I knew it would be only a 
matter of time until you would begin to ap- 
preciate the wisdom of my contention that 
petty graft is unwise if one is capable of de- 
voting his idle moments to something more 
prolific and higher up in the profession." 

"There's one thing about petty grafts, how- 
ever," says Hawkins: "they are the best for 
one upon starting out in the profession; 



HAWKINS AND SIMPKINS 211 

they don't require as much capital and the 
profit is proportionately as great. And, too, 
petty graft is better for a beginner, as it 
brings one in contact with all classes of people ; 
it creates a sort of inclination to meet people, 
and it tends to enable one to learn more of 
human nature and intuitively comply with its 
wants." 

"You're right," says I; "but, my dear 
Hawkins, changing the subject rather ab- 
ruptly, that ten-dollar bill you just took out 
of the mail takes me back to the days when I 
used to receive them galore. If I'd been 
running the business yet, I believe I'd Jbeen 
taking in twenty-five hundred dollars a day. 
Those were good old days, and there was al- 
ways something doing. I sit in my office now, 
sometimes, and the collection and legal busi- 
ness is so small in comparison to what I once 
was accustomed, that I long to be actively en- 
gaged in some purely legitimate swindle where 
there is something doing all the time. 

"However, I should be satisfied, as I have 
enough to keep the wolf away from the door 
for all time ; but, my nature is not to be idle, 
and the inactivity of my business now seems 



212 THE GRAFTER 

to create indolence and it makes me nervous 
and engenders a desire to be up and 'do 
things' as I used to do." 

"I know just how you feel about it," says 
Hawkins, ''especially after being accustomed 
to taking in as much as you used to — it cer- 
tainly was the hardest blow you ever re- 
ceived when they threatened you with the 
issuance of a fraud order." 

"But, all I can say," says I, "I hope you 
will do as well as Simpkins has done, and I 
don't see any reason why you should not. Of 
course, a man can't always tell just when these 
post office inspectors are going to swoop down 
on one ; they generally drop around when 
they are the least expected, and there is no 
telling how long you'll last, Hawkins ; but it 
certainly gives one lots of satisfaction to know 
that he is backing a graft that really is a 
graft, and that pays well while hostilities are 
on. You and Simpkins should be able to 
grind out thirty thousand dollars if you last 
three months, and you can always remember, 
Hawkins, that I am at your service and if I 
can ever render any practical assistance, such 
is yours for the asking." 



HAWKINS AND SIMPKINS ^13 

''I thank you," says Hawkins, and I left 
the office. 

As time passed, the business of *'Jno. 
Hawkins, Esq., Special Broker," began to in- 
crease and in thirty days after his inception 
he was taking in over four hundred dollars a 
day, all of which, with the exception of postage 
on outgoing mail and clerical hire, was clear 
profit. 

As time went on and the daily receipts in- 
creased, additions were made to Hawkins's 
clerical force, and, after he had been in busi- 
ness for ten weeks, it required the services of 
ten clerks and stenographers to handle the 
outgoing mail. It generally took an hour's 
time each afternoon to get out the mail, that 
is, to fold, seal, inclose and stamp it, and in 
this each clerk participated. The mail gen- 
erally filled five good-sized waste-baskets to 
their capacities. 

It was shortly after Hawkins began to take 
in the tens that one day Charles Green ap- 
peared on the scene. 

''Why, how do you do, Mr. Green?" says 
Hawkins, extending his hand complacently 
just as though he was really ''dee-lighted" to 



£14 THE GRAFTER 

see the one whose finances had, then a few 
months ago, been depleted. 

'* Right smart," says Green. 

''How's everything in general ?" says Haw- 
kins. 

"Right smart, uh guess," says Green. 

"You don't get around to see us very fre- 
quently," says Hawkins, "and I often won- 
dered what became of you. I thought pos- 
sibly you had left the city, as I have often 
made inquiry about you and as to your where- 
abouts, but my efforts to get any authentic 
information have always been futile." 

"I've been around town all the time," says 
Green. 

"And how about those shares in the In- 
extant Copper Company of Kansas City, Mis- 
souri, Mr. Green .^ Since I first met you I've 
often thought about your contemplated pur- 
chase of shares in that company, and I am 
in hopes you have gotten in on the ground 
floor." 

"I never bought any myself," says Green, 
"but my frau purchased twenty -five shares 
with some money she had." 

"Oh, I see," says Hawkins, "and has she 



HAWitiisfs AisTJO siMpk:ins S15 

found the company to be prompt in the pay- 
ment of dividends?" 

'*Not very," says Green; "she bought the 
stock five months ago, and the company was 
to pay a monthly dividend of twenty per cent. 
However, I know, from what the agent said, 
that the company is all right. It's just pos- 
sible," continued Green, "that they've over- 
looked her." 

"Well, Mr. Green," says Hawkins, "if she's 
had the stock five months and received no 
dividends yet, it would be well to call their 
attention to the inadvertence, would it not.^" 

"Well," says Green, "the frau has written 
them, but I suppose they are too busy to 
reply." 

"Changing the subject, Mr. Green," says 
Hawkins, "I believe my note must be about 
due, isn't it?" 

"Yes," says Green, "it was due yesterday." 

"It's strange," says Hawkins, "but my 
aunt's estate is still pending in the New York 
court. It was set for trial last month, but 
some technicality in the process of litigation 
of the case made it necessary to set the case 
over until the next term of court. I'm sorry 



216 THE GRAFTI2R 

about that, too, Mr. Green, as I cannot meet 
your note at this time ; in fact, I cannot meet 
it until the estate is settled. 

"But we are now running the business, Mr. 
Green, and it will soon be on a good paying 
basis. We are taking in some money, now," 
continued Hawkins, "but we pay out so much 
for stamps, advertising, etc., in fact nearly 
all of our daily receipts go for advertising. 
However, to show you that my honesty and 
integrity cannot be questioned and that my 
intentions are the very best, Mr. Green, I'll 
pay you ten dollars each day on the note until 
you are paid in full." 

Of course, Hawkins knew that Green would 
practically make the office his headquarters 
and that he would be expecting payments on 
the note. Therefore, inasmuch as Hawkins's 
daily receipts were several hundred dollars 
and his only expense was for stamps and 
clerical hire, he knew that, during the life 
of the business, he could daily part with a 
pittance of ten dollars; therefore, Hawkins 
promised Green to pay him ten dollars each 
day, providing the latter would call at the 
office therefor. 

Green readily acquiesced; in fact, he was 



HAWKINS AND felMPKlNS 217 

well pleased with Hawkins's proposition, and 
he called at the office daily for his ten, and, 
from all outward appearances, this ten-dollar 
pittance proved conciliatory and Hawkins's 
extreme generosity won for him Green's un- 
reserved esteem. It had never been the cus- 
tom of Hawkins to pay for anything except 
stamps and clerical hire, and, one day after 
Green had pocketed his ten and left the office, 
I asked Hawkins if it was not through a care- 
less inadvertence that he made a payment to 
Green. Thereupon, Hawkins apologized to 
me for his philanthropic proclivities, and, as 
an excuse for such, he said it was worth ten 
dollars a day to rid the office of Green. 

Well, the business was conducted under the 
name of Hawkins for a little over three 
months, and during that time the net pro- 
ceeds were a little over twenty-eight thou- 
sand dollars. Of this twenty-eight thousand 
dollars, a little over four thousand was ex- 
pended for postage, fifteen hundred for labor, 
and the balance divided equally between Haw- 
kins and Simpkins. 

Of course, the result of Simpkins's advertis- 
ing while the business was conducted under 
his name, considerably augmented the re- 



218 THE GHAFTER 

ceipts while Hawkins was running it. Simp- 
kins had advertised so extensively that not a 
day passed but what scores and scores of 
letters were addressed to him after the firm- 
name had been changed to Hawkins, and the 
ads. of Simpkins had weeks ago been dis- 
continued ; and all such letters, of course, 
merely requested information as to terms and 
methods of disposing of real estate, and of 
course Hawkins in each case sent out letters 
and literature to them the same as though 
they had made inquiry from him direct ; and, 
of course, Hawkins's letters and literature 
served the purpose admirably in such cases — 
the property-owners merely wanted to sell, 
and, when they received Hawkins's letters, 
they would of course be led to believe thereby 
that Hawkins was just as great a "specialist" 
as Simpkins. You understand, dear reader, 
they were both specialists in their particular 
line, but neither gent could ever have been 
accused of having made a sale knowingly. 

After three months the advertising letters 
of agreement began to fall due, and Hawkins 
was being visited by collectors and bank clerks 
galore. And frequently when the collectors 
would call, they would, in addition to the bill 



HAWKINS AND SIMPKINS S19 

they held against Hawkins, also present, for 
payment, a bill against Simpkins, due the 
same publishing company which they were 
representing. Hawkins always politely or 
otherwise informed the collectors that he al- 
ways paid direct to the house. 

He also informed the ones who were trying 
to collect from Simpkins, especially in the 
absence of the latter, that Simpkins was old 
enough to vote and to look after his own busi- 
ness ; that it was not his custom to pay ad- 
vertising bills which should be collected from 
Simpkins. 

The collectors were becoming numerous; 
the advertising of Hawkins was also being can- 
celed at the end of three months, account 
non-payment of bills therefor, and therefore 
the business bore a less lucrative aspect after 
the ads. were discontinued. 

Therefore, the daily receipts were so small 
that Hawkins did not care whether the busi- 
ness lasted much longer or not : after one is 
once accustomed to taking in from three to 
five hundred dollars a day, a daily income of 
one hundred looks small. And Hawkins had 
so much money that he wanted to indulge in a 
spasmodic dissemination thereof. 



220 THl: GRAFTER 

One day in drifts a Post Office Inspector, 
and, considering the then comparative in- 
activity of the business, Hawkins was glad he 
called. 

''Is this the Honorable John Hawkins, 
Special Broker, Successor to The Honorable 
Colonel David Peter Simpkins, Esquire, who 
succeeded Charles Green, et al.?" 

"I am no other," says Hawkins. 

"When did you acquire this business from 
your predecessor?" says the P. I. 

"A little over three months ago," says 
Hawkins. 

"Has the business proven profitable at all 
times," says the P. I. 

"My dear Inspector," says Hawkins, "why 
subject me to this humorous direct examina- 
tion. Come over to the cafe and let's have 
lunch. I can't talk on an empty stomach." 

"I thank you," says the P. I. 

Hawkins extended to me an invitation to 
wine and dine with him and the Post Office 
Inspector, which invitation, of course, was 
readily accepted, as at that time I felt that 
nothing would be more satiating than a tender- 
loin steak smothered in mushrooms and to- 
mato sauce, which I might devour with pre- 



HAWKINS AND SIMPKINS 221 

ternatural voracity while a pretty little French 
girl, accompanied by an orchestra, sang a few 
spasms of "All That I Ask Is Love and 
Clothes," et cet. 

Well, Hawkins and I ordered nothing in 
particular but everything in general, while 
the Post Office Inspector turned in so "mod- 
est" an order that I thought possibly he was 
under the impression that the "lunch" was 
going to be "on him." I asked the gent if he 
was troubled with dyspepsia. He said he 
was not, but that he wasn't accustomed to 
eating very heartily. 

Well, the Post Office Inspector enjoyed the 
lunch, and, considering the number of previous 
threatened indictments upon persons con- 
ducting the business, Hawkins attributed the 
fact of his not having been indicted in this 
case solely to the hospitality he and I ac- 
corded the Government person. 

After lunch Hawkins and I took Mr. Post 
Office Inspector over to the bar and requested 
that he make known to the bartender his 
favorite of the varied and kindred brands of 
" bottled-in-bond " goods that were before us. 

The gent informed us that he had always 
bad an affection for and been partial to "plain 



^^% THE GRAFTER 

old Guckenheimer without the water." Haw- 
kins and I had no particular choice. All we 
wanted to know was that the bartender 
vended the P. I.'s favorite brand, and, when 
the emissary ordered up, Hawkins and I 
*'took the same." 

Well, we stood over that bar and ordered 
the drinks, repeating the performance quite 
frequently, and by the time we had ordered 
a dozen times around, we assumed humorous 
and loquacious proclivities. We conversed 
and discoursed and exchanged wit and humor 
on current topics ; we talked of the difficulties 
and adversities encountered in, as well as the 
bright sides of, our respective grafts and pro- 
fessions. Hawkins was always eloquent when 
his profession was under discussion, and he 
narrated to us everything he had done since 
he was old enough to perceive and observe, 
and then he requested each of us to give him 
our private memoirs in detail. 

At a little after 3 : 30 p. m. that afternoon 
Hawkins and I began to perceive that Uncle 
Sam's emissary was having extreme difficulty 
in maintaining his equilibrium, even with the 
aid of the bar, and we intimated that we had 
an important engagement at 4, Had we not 



HAWKINS AND SIMPKINS 2^3 

done so at that time, it would have been only 
a matter of a few minutes until we would have 
had a "drunken man on our hands to contend 
with," and we immediately left at 3 : 40 to 
avoid subjecting ourselves to the humiliation 
of being found in company with a drunken 
man. 

When we excused ourselves to leave, the 
Post Office Inspector grasped our hands ten- 
derly and said: *'Ge'men, some feed. Like 
yer size ; like yer eyes. Hie, — say, kin yuh 
gimme job 'spector for Real State Speshl 
Brokr.f^ Yer sweetest Little Girls in District 
of Colm'bia." 

We didn't require the services of any post 
office inspectors at the time, and, as we bade 
him good-bye, we extended to him a cordial 
invitation to call at the office any time he was 
in town. But I don't suppose the gent re- 
members anything about the invitation. 

Hawkins had no particular object in getting 
the P. I. ''soused." He merely wanted to see 
if a post office inspector was susceptible to 
what, in a way, might be called bribery ; or, 
if it would not come under that head, he 
wanted to prove to himself that hospitality 
and benignance will sometimes win the esteeni 




Yer sweetest Little Girls in District of Colm'bia" 



HAWKINS AND SIMPKINS 225 

and change the attitude of those working 
against one. 

Due solely to lack of advertising, the daily 
receipts of Hawkins were becoming smaller 
as time passed ; so small that, after a few 
weeks, Hawkins forgot the past, ignored the 
present, and began to devote his thoughts to 
some original but illegitimate swindle for the 
future. He had thousands of letter heads 
bearing his name. They were practically 
a work of art, and were printed on the best of 
bond paper. 

One day he concocted a new idea, and he 
adopted a new system. He knew he had an 
alluring letter head and that mail-order 
houses, brewers, etc., would promptly fill, in 
nearly every case, any order he would place 
with them, and send bill therefor the first of 
the following month. 

A friend had one day given Hawkins a small 
directory which was supposed, at time of issue, 
to contain the names of all the leading cigar 
manufactories in the United States which em- 
ployed union labor. 

And it was during Hawkins's idle moments 
that he was scanning its pages, when he de- 
cided he wanted to start in a new business. 



226 THE GRAFTER 

"Take a letter," says Hawkins to Shorty. 

''You understand, Shorty, that this is just 
a circular letter, which I want you to begin 
sending to each of the cigarmakers and manu- 
factories whose firm-name appears in this 
directory, with the exception of course, of 
local concerns." 

" Gentlemen : 

"Please send me six boxes of what you consider your best 
five-cent cigars. 

"I would also thank you to send me six boxes of your best 
ten-centers. 

"If I like them I'll remember you in future. 

"Please send same promptly by express, letting bill for same 
come forward the first of the month, when I will remit promptly. 

"Thanking you in advance for any promptness you may 
exercise in filling this order, I am. 

Very truly yours, 

(Signed) John Hawkins." 

It was but a few days until the wagons of 
every express company in town were stopping 
in front of Hawkins's office, and the drivers 
thereof were packing packages of cigars up to 
Hawkins's office. And in nearly every case 
the express charges on the cigars had been pre- 
paid by the firm with whom Hawkins had 
placed the order. 

The packages of cigars soon began to arrive 
in such numbers that Hawkins had to rent a 



HAWKINS AND SIMPKINS 227 

room across the hall from his office to serve 
as a cigar repository. 

I drifted into Hawkins's office one day 
about a week after he had started ordering 
cigars. 

''I'm getting a good line of cigars and I 
think we'll have to have a smoker." 

"I congratulate you," says I; ''but you 
might take me to them." 

"Those were my intentions," says Haw- 
kins; "follow me." 

Well, he takes me into a room across the 
hall, and I would estimate that the room con- 
tained no less than twenty-five hundred boxes 
of cigars of the five- and ten-cent kind. 

"My dear Hawkins," says I, "what dispo- 
sition are you going to make of the lot?" 

"Oh, that's easy," says Hawkins; "I'm 
going to start up a cigar store in some rube's 
name and sell all cigars at half-price. Of 
course, they are the best five- and ten-centers 
on the market, and I see no reason why I 
should encounter any adverse difficulties in 
selling Henry Georges and other like-priced 
smokes for five cents. And, too," continued 
Hawkins, "if it's too big a stock for one cigar 



228 THE GRAFTER 

store I'll be generous with my friends and 
relatives and give part of 'em away." 

''An excellent thought," says I. 

Well, I left the office and bought an even- 
ing paper. As was usually my custom, I 
scanned the want ad. columns and the follow- 
ing appeared at the head thereof : 

" Wanted at Once ; Wide-awake young man of sound busi- 
ness principles and good judgment who would like to go into 
business for himself and act in a managerial capacity. He must 
be a neat dresser. He must be cordial, polite and courteous, 
and capable of retaining the patronage of customers. He must 
be able to pose as proprietor and let the business assume his 
name. He must have $1000 to invest. This is Purely a 
Live-wire Proposition. Call at 1635 Street." 

After perusal thereof I knew at once from 
where it emanated. 

Just for a "kid" I thought I would go 
around and apply for the managership of this 
new concern, for the purpose of complimenting 
Hawkins on his literary concoction. 

When I arrived at his office he was telling 
applicant number one what would be required 
of him. 

Said applicant No. 1 was what a "rough 
boy" would invariably classify as a "typical 
city pinhead." If he had the thousand he 
must have forged his father's name to a check. 



HAWKINS AND SIMPKINS 229 

as his hands bore no perceptible evidence of 
his ever having been engaged in anything com- 
ing under the imphcations to be drawn from 
the word "work." 

'*What I want," says Hawkins to the 
youth, "is a MAN of absolute honesty and 
integrity and whom I can trust. My object 
in wanting you to acquire a portion of the 
business is that, under such a condition, you 
will then have a personal incentive to devote 
all your time to the best interests of the busi- 
ness. Of course, I might have hired some 
young man for fifteen dollars a week, but I 
can't be around the business much myself, and 
I want some one who has a good head — some- 
one who can assume responsibility. 

"The business I have in mind is a retail 
cigar store which will dispose of cigars to the 
public at less than wholesale prices. It's 
purely a live-wire proposition, and I have de- 
vised a new theory which will enable you to 
sell all the best brands of cigars for half-price. 
I have long had a desire to promote something 
of the kind, and I am now in position to back 
you up in a business-like manner. 

"I presume you would be willing," says 
Hawkins, "to devote your entire time to the 



230 THE GRAFTER 

business in case I make you manager of the 
concern?" 

"I would," says the chap, as he inflated his 
chest and assumed an air of importance and 
self-esteem. 

"Well," says Hawkins, ''y^^ ^^^ j^st the 
man I want. I think you have about the 
proper material in you and I'll let you in on 
the proposition if you'll promise to stay with 
me with the guarantee on my part that you 
will be well compensated for your services 
and that the proceeds from your thousand- 
dollar investment will be sufficiently large to 
warrant your devoting your time exclusively 
to the best interests of the business. If you 
ever become dissatisfied with the returns you 
will get on your investment, I'll give you a 
written agreement to return your thousand 
dollars the very moment you make known to 
me your dissatisfaction." 

"Well," says the youth, who was swelling 
up like a poutered pigeon on exhibition at a 
State Fair, "how long will I have to decide 
whether or not to accept your proposition?" 

"I assure you," says Hawkins, "that there 
is no particular hurry, as I have not as yet 
rented quarters for the business, but will, in 



HAWKINS AND SIMPKINS 231 

the next few days, at which time I hope to 
have your decision. I want to get a good 
location down in the business part of town, 
where there will be something doing all the 
time." 

''And I presume," says the youth, "that 
my services will become effective as soon as 
you will have landed a location." 

"They will," says Hawkins. "I have ev- 
erything in readiness. I have my complete 
stock of cigars already, and all there will be 
to do is to rent a place of business, install the 
requisite fixtures, do a little advertising, and 
hostilities will be on. 

"Before we go further," says Hawkins, "I 
want you to understand that you are to be 
manager and proprietor of the concern. The 
business will be conducted under your name, 
and, if you get in on this proposition, it will 
be with the distinct understanding that you will 
pose as sole owner of the business. You will 
pay all bills ; you will be expected to attend 
to advertising and everything that comes up in 
connection within the business without calling 
on me for assistance, as I have other busi- 
nesses, the nature of which necessitates the 
devotion of my time exclusively thereto. 



232 THE GRAFTER 

"It will also be with the distinct under 
standing that you will never make known to 
anyone that I am in any way connected with 
the business. However, if anything comes 
up and it is absolutely imperative that you 
have advice or assistance of any nature what- 
ever, I will help you in any way I can, with 
the undersanding, of course, that such will be 
treated confidential and that you will call at 
my office therefor when such emergencies 
arise. 

''I have laid in a ten-thousand-dollar stock 
of cigars," continued Hawkins, "and, for your 
services, you will be paid a salary of twenty- 
five dollars a week during the life of the busi- 
ness ; and on your investment you will be 
permitted to retain twenty per cent of the net 
proceeds." 

"That's perfectly satisfactory to me," says 
the soon-to-be proprietor. 

"We'd just as well write up the agreement 
now," says Hawkins, "if you have the thou- 
sand with you." 

"I have," says the youth, "and it's per 
fectly agreeable to me at any time." 

Well, Hawkins dictated an agreement to 



HAWKINS AND SIMPKINS 233 

Shorty whereby the rising youth who would 
soon enter into the business world would, in 
consideration of payment of one thousand 
dollars cash in hand and the devotion of his 
time exclusively to the business, be made 
proprietor, manager, vice-president, treasurer 
and chairman of the executive board of a 
cigar store which would bear his name. 

The youth handed Hawkins one thousand 
dollars, and, after signatures had been ap- 
pended to the agreement, I affixed my notarial 
seal and witnessed the transaction. 

Hawkins took the aspirant's name and ad- 
dress and was to notify him by 'phone as soon 
as a location for the business had been chosen. 

The following day Hawkins began a search 
for a good location in the business center of 
town. He had not made a very diligent 
search until he came upon a desirable location 
in the heart of St. Louis, which rented for 
$225 per month. Hawkins, of course, did not 
get the information from the agent who rented 
the building — he obtained it from a Dago who 
vended peanuts and popcorn to passers-by at 
the nominal sum of five cents the sack. 

Well, when Hawkins got all the information 



234 THE GRAFTER 

he could from the Dago, he called up the Vice- 
President of this new cigar store and asked the 
youth to call at his office. 

Upon the Proprietor's arrival, Hawkins told 
him of the new location. He gave the youth 
$225 to pay the first month's rent. He told 
the Proprietor that the necessary fixtures 
would arrive in a day or two from a Kansas 
City firm, when they would be ready for busi- 
ness. Hawkins had ordered the fixtures a day 
or so previous from an out-of-town concern in 
order to more conveniently evade the payment 
therefor. 

In a few days the fixtures arrived, and the 
youth had rented the building, securing a 
lease thereon for six months. 

The fixtures and stock were installed, and 
the Proprietor assumed an air of dignity and 
importance, and he possibly thought his re- 
sponsibility was as great as though he had 
been in charge of the Harriman Lines. 

Hawkins wrote alluring ads. for local papers, 
which were to appear over the name of the 
Proprietor. In doing so, of course, he sent 
them to the manager of the cigar store by 
mail and instructed him to place same with 
local papers. 



HAWKINS AND SIMPKINS 235 

No sooner had the business opened for 
operation than laboring men as well as men of 
import were calling at this new cigar store. 
The laborers would call for their favorite 
brand of cabbage-leaves and the connoisseurs 
and "men higher up" would order their fa- 
vorite Havana-filled smokes, proceed to puff 
thereon, and wonder what could possibly have 
brought about a condition whereby the gen- 
erally prevalent high price of cigars was so ma- 
terially reduced that they could smoke what- 
ever brand of cigar they might choose at the 
''ridiculous and scandalous" reduction of fifty 
per cent. 

Some would take home several boxes, think- 
ing, possibly, that the low price was put on 
purely for "advertising purposes," and that 
the firm's prices might soon be raised to the 
same basis as those prevailing at other like, 
but legitimate establishments. 

Well, the aspiring chap ran the business for 
nearly six months. Agents of various cigar 
manufactories frequently called on him and 
tried to ascertain from him of whom he pur- 
chased the cigars, and how it was that he was 
disposing of them at wholesale prices. 

But the Vice-President and General Man- 



236 THE GRAFTER 

ager of this cigar store had been cautioned by 
Hawkins to maintain a reticent attitude re- 
garding the business which he was conducting. 

He profited by and hved up to the wishes 
and admonitions of Hawkins, and efforts by 
representatives of cigar manufactories to get 
him to become loquacious were futile — in 
other words, he closed up just like a clam when 
pumped for information. 

Therefore, the business was conducted with- 
out any molestation or interference whatever, 
and at the end of twenty-two weeks from his 
inception there was not a cigar left in the 
house. 

The business, therefore, was abandoned by 
order of John Hawkins, Esquire, who had 
cleaned up a little over ten thousand dollars 
clear profit during the brevity of the business. 



CHAPTER VIII. 
THE WASHINGTON HOUSE 

One day I was reclining in one of my ''lazy" 
chairs, decreasing the length of one of Haw- 
kins's complimentary cigars ; I was in a sort of 
reminiscent mood, thinking of the past and 
trying to concoct something new and original, 
when I removed my feet from my "roller-top" 
and arose to salute a gent of perhaps 45 sum- 
mers, who broke the monotony by introducing 
himself as Mr. C. R. Edulous. 

''Are you the proprietor?" he asked. 

"I am no other," says I. 

"Well," says the gent, "I presume you have 
heard of me." 

"I cannot recall," says I, "of ever having 
had the honor of meeting you, Mr. Edulous, 
or of having read of you through the Asso- 
ciated Press reports, although I daily peruse 
all the leading local papers in my endeavor 
to keep conversant with the social, economic, 
political and intellectual conditions with which 
the public must inevitably cope ; and I think 
I know, or have read of, all of the leading 

(237) 



238 THE GRAFTER 

present day politicians; I am also, pugilis- 
tically speaking, thoroughly conversant with 
the aspirations of white hopes such as Jim 
Flynn, Carl Morris, et al., and the resultant 
eflPects of said aspirations upon the aspirants ; 
I also know of Eugene V. Debbs and Booker 
T. Washington; — ^but I can't remember of 
ever having heard of you. But I am per- 
fectly willing to listen to anything you have 
to say, or hear you elucidate on any particular 
graft you may have up your sleeve." 

"It's no graft, I assure you," says the gent ; 
*'it's purely a legitimate proposition. It's 
this way : I'm proprietor of The Washington 
House, one of the best thirty-room hotels in 
St. Louis. I've been conducting the business 
for years, and have a lease on the building for 
ten years to come. During the time I have 
been in the hotel business I've made enough 
money to keep the woK away from the door 
for the rest of my years, and I want to sever 
my connection with the hotel and retire." 

"I understand," says I; ''in brief, you 
want to dispose of the business and fixtures 
and furniture used in connection therewith." 

"I do," says Mr. Edulous; "that's it 
exactly. I rent the hotel itself, but would dis- 



THE WASHINGTON HOUSE 239 

pose of the fixtures, the lease, and the right 
to conduct the business, for ten thousand 
dollars." 

''Your price is undoubtedly very moderate, 
Mr. Edulous, but I regret to say that I could 
do nothing for you. During the many years 
that I have been in the real-estate business, I 
cannot recall a single instance of ever having 
met up with a prospective buyer for a hotel. 
And, too, this Washington House is a new one 
on me ; it certainly can't be doing a very good 
business, because I've never heard of the hotel 
as long as I've been in St. Louis." 

"I beg your pardon," says Mr. Edulous, 
''but the hotel has at all times proven profit- 
able; in fact, it has brought me in so much 
money since my inception that I am now going 
to retire, as aforesaid, as soon as I can dispose 
of the fixtures and lease. We do a good busi- 
ness, and I am ready at any time to have you 
look over the hotel, and if I can't convince 
you that it's worth the price, I'll pay you for 
your time consumed in looking through it." 

"Well, I can't see any reason why I should 
spend any of my time going out to the out- 
skirts of town to look at a hotel, when I don't 
want to buy one myself and there is only 



240 THE GRAFTER 

remote possibility that I would ever have 
inquiry for such a business." 

This Edulous gent thereupon assured me 
that, if I passed up making an effort to dis- 
pose of the business for him, I would be over- 
looking a mighty good proposition. Of course 
it was not my custom to let any man talk me 
into anything or tell me what I should or 
should not do, but I thought a little outing 
would sort of rejuvenate me, and, as I had 
nothing to do at the office, I accepted his 
invitation to inspect The Washington House, 
and we hopped in my car and made our way 
thereto. 

It was in East Saint Louis, and, upon ar- 
rival thereat, the gent proceeded to tell me 
that there was no limit to what might be 
made in the hotel business, and assured me 
that I should dispose of it readily for the price 
he asked. 

It was obviously doing a good business and 
was a mighty respectable-looking hostelry. 
From all appearances everything tended to 
bear out the proprietor in his statement that 
the hotel was actually conducting a lucrative 
business, and that his desire to sever his con- 



THE WASHINGTON HOUSE 241 

nection therewith was not due to lack of 
business. 

Every room in the house was well furnished, 
and the furniture and fixtures, though they 
bore evidence of rough usage, were at one 
time of the very best. 

But I had never had any calls for a hotel, 
neither did I expect to have, and I was per- 
fectly frank with the Edulous gent and told 
him that his proposition was not alluring or 
attractive to me, and that I did not propose 
to spend money advertising something for sale 
when there would be only a slight possibility 
that I would ever have any calls therefor. 

I looked through the hotel, told Edulous 
*'good day" and hopped into my car and 
made my way to the office. At that time, I 
never expected to entertain for a minute the 
thought of trying to dispose of the business for 
the proprietor thereof, who wanted to retire. 

On the following day Mr. Edulous again 
appeared on the scene and asked me if I 
would not make some effort to dispose of the 
hotel for him. 

"I cannot offer you any encouragement," 
says I ; ''and I might say, Mr. Edulous, that 



^42 THE GRAFTER 

you could sell it yourself without much dif- 
ficulty if you would exercise as much per- 
sistency as you have in getting me to dispose 
of it for you. I'll admit that persistency 
sometimes works wonders, and I'll give you 
one hundred per cent thereon. I wouldn't 
for a minute undertake to sell such a hotel 
for any other man, but I'll see what I can 
do for you, and you can attribute the fact 
of my making an effort to dispose of your 
hotel solely to your persistency." 

No sooner had the Edulous gent left the 
office and descended the stairs, when in 
walked my respected friend and co-worker, 
John Hawkins, Esquire. 

**My dear Hawkins," says I, "you just 
drifted in at an opportune time to give me an 
idea in an effort to determine the practica- 
bility of a newly devised theory, to which I 
have just begun to give considerable thought." 

"Well," says Hawkins, "right glad I am to 
always be on the job, and if I can render any 
practical assistance or aid in fostering the 
business with the idea in view of ultimately 
augmenting our finances, I am on." 

"Of course, I assumed you would be, Haw- 
kins," says I, "as it would certainly have been 



THE WASHINGTON HOUSE 24S 

a new thing for you to have refused. And 
right here in this connection, Hawkins, I want 
to express my gratitude and appreciation to 
you for the hearty cooperation and assistance 
you have at all times manifested since we be- 
gan work in conjunction. Since I first took 
up the profession for a livelihood, Hawkins, I 
have never yet met up with as valuable a pro- 
fessional as yourself. I attribute my success 
a great deal to your willingness and instru- 
mentality exercised in victimizing certain 
dupes. Your cooperation has, in lots of cases, 
hastened certain victimizations to such an 
extent that careful previous investigations by 
the prospective dupes have been eliminated. 
You work as high up in the ranks of the pro- 
fession as any man I have ever seen, and I 
attribute some of my best work to your 
originality, cooperation and instrumentality." 
'*My dear co-worker," says Hawkins, ''I 
am surely grateful to you for your expres- 
sion of appreciation, but I have certainly 
been well compensated for any services ren- 
dered, and I assuredly have been fortunate in 
having an opportunity to increase my knowl- 
edge on some of your grafts for a Man Higher 
Up. When I first began to work with you my 



244 THE GRAFTER 

knowledge of grafts which could not be classi- 
fied as "petty" was yet in the rudimentary 
and embryonic stage only ; you've talked me 
out of the petty-graft business ; you've dem- 
onstrated the feasibility of something more 
prolific, and, since we have been working to- 
gether, I have enjoyed it all. 

"But," says Hawkins, "what's this new 
theory you have in mind?" 

"It's this way," says I: "The proprietor 
of The Washington House called at the office 
a few days ago. He says he has made so 
much money since he has been in the hotel 
business that he wants to sell the fixtures, 
furniture, the lease, and the right to conduct 
the business. He wants ten thousand for the 
lot, and says he is going to retire as soon as 
he can dispose of his holdings." 

"I've never heard of The Washington 
House," says Hawkins ; " where is it located ?" 

"Oh, it's down in East St. Louis. The 
proprietor, Mr. Edulous, called the other day 
and wanted me to try to dispose of it for 
him. I told him that I could find better use 
for my time and money than to advertise a 
hotel for sale, and that I wouldn't undertake 



THE WASHINGTON HOUSE 245 

to sell it under any circumstances, as I never 
have any prospective buyers for hotels. Well, 
the gent wouldn't take my word for it, and, 
after considerable persistency on his part, I 
decided to go down and look it over, just to 
please him, as at the time I wasn't very busy. 

"Well, I put him in the car, and we drove 
direct to The Washington House. He took 
me through every room, and when I left I 
was pretty well satisfied that he did have a 
really good proposition. The furniture was 
of the very best, and from all appearances I 
assumed that the hotel was really a good pay- 
ing proposition." 

"He wants to sell badly, does he?" says 
Hawkins. 

"He certainly does," says I; "he calls up 
on the phone every day or so and asks if I've 
made any progress. I told him the other day 
that he could sell it himself if he would exer- 
cise as much persistency as he has in getting 
me to dispose of it for him." 

"There is no reason to my mind why we 
shouldn't be able to comply with the gent's 
every want," says Hawkins, "and if he's 
going to force you to sell out for him, there 
is no reason why the deal cannot be closed 



246 THE GRAFTER 

quickly, providing, of course, terms can be 
arranged to suit." 

"There is not," says I; ''but I neglected 
to ask if terms could be arranged, as I never 
thought of trying to sell when I talked with 
him. I'll get him on the phone and see what 
he has to say." 

Well, I called Edulous up and asked if he 
could come up to the office for a few minutes. 
He said he would be there in thirty minutes 
by the clock. 

"This surely will be one grand proposition," 
says Hawkins, "especially if terms can be 
arranged. It's certainly wonderful the di- 
versions that time brings about : one day a 
man peddles bitters and pain allayer to pedes- 
trians and passers-by on Broadway, next he 
holds down the job of "cynosure" in a matri- 
monial agency, and now to think of me 
assuming the role of Hotel Proprietor. It 
will indeed be an excellent diversion from 
past lines of graft. I've never had any 
previous experience as a hotel proprietor, but 
I see no reason why I should encounter any 
serious difficulties or adversities. There will 
be nothing to do but to spasmodically dupe the 
grocers and take contributions from the 



THE WASHINGTON HOtJSil 24*7 

boarders and roomers. I'll call up all the 
leading grocers in town and order enough the 
first few days to last for six months. The 
groceries won't cost a cent, and there will be no 
particular expense incurred in connection with 
the business with the exception of rent and 
labor, which must be paid if I run it over a 
month. And if terms can be arranged to suit, 
there's no reason why I shouldn't tomorrow 
assume the management of The Washington 
House, and I'll run it on the same plan as 
The Bellvue-Stratford, The Waldorf-Astoria, 
and The Blackstone ; i. e.,1 mean the purpose 
of the hotel will be the same, in that appetites 
will be satiated for a money consideration to 
be paid to the management. 

"Well," says Hawkins, "what am I sup- 
posed to he?" 

"My dear Hawkins," says I, "you are sup- 
posed to be an old hand at the game. You 
are supposed to have known nothing but 
hotel life since you reached a sufficiently ma- 
ture age to perceive and observe. Your 
father before you is supposed to have been an 
old hotel proprietor. You are supposed to 
have been inherently endowed with such 
ability, in addition to having acquired it. 



248 l^Hli GRAFTllR 

You are supposed to have served in the capac- 
ities of bell-hop, chambermaid, assistant night 
clerk and proprietor in the various of the lead- 
ing hostelries throughout the United States 
since you were fifteen years of age." 

Hawkins appreciatively laughed aloud, and 
when he ceased laughing he looked at m^e sort 
of expectantly like, as though I had left 
something unsaid. 

"You've overlooked something," says Haw- 
kins. 

''I have," says I; "but you'll pardon me 
this time ; I guess my thoughts must have 
been rambling. Possibly anticipation has 
gotten the better of me. But we've worked 
the New York Attorney gag long enough. I 
suppose you want a change, and this time I 
suppose you had just as w^ell be an heir to a 
portion of a large estate bequeathed to you by 
your mother's third cousin. The amount of 
the estate, though problematical, is known to 
have been large, and is yet in the process of 
litigation, to be settled in a New York court 
in six months. In all probability you'll be 
sued by the grocers so often that you'll wish 
to sever your connection with The Washing- 



THE WASHINGTON HOUSE 249 

ton House by that time, purely as a matter of 
choice." 

Well, the door opens, and in walks Mr. 
Edulous. 

''Mr. Edulous," says I, ''have you ever had 
the pleasure of meeting Mr. Hawkins?" 

"I have not," says Edulous, extending his 
hand. 

"I'm very glad to know you, Mr. Edulous," 
says Hawkins. 

"Mr. Hawkins," says I, adressing Edulous, 
"wants to take a look at your hotel with a 
view to purchasing it, providing proper terms 
can be arranged to suit." 

"Well," says the proprietor of The W. H., 
"that will be the least of our troubles. I've 
more money now than I know what to do 
with, and if Mr. Hawkins will come and look 
over the hotel and is satisfied with the propo- 
sition, I'm agreeable to most any old terms, 
providing he can furnish security." 

Hawkins cast a furtive glance in my direc- 
tion and almost laughed aloud, but the ex- 
pression on his face soon told me that he had, 
in a fleeting moment, devised a new idea. 

"Well," says Hawkins, "I have only ar- 



250 THE GBAMEB 

rived here recently from New York City, 
where I was proprietor of a one-hundred-room 
house, and I'm not well acquainted. How- 
ever, I know one party who is financially 
responsible and would go on my note for any 
amount." 

"Who might that be, Mr. Hawkins.^" says 
the Edulous gent. 

"It's no other than Colonel David Peter 
Simpkins, Esq., who was, until just recently, 
a real-estate broker of almost nation-wide 
repute." 

"Oh, that's perfectly agreeable to me, Mr* 
Hawkins. I've heard lots of this man Simp- 
kins. In fact, I remember him distinctly as 
one who used to advertise extensively in all 
the leading periodicals and magazines. Cer- 
tainly, he's good enough security for me. 
Why, I recall when Mr. Simpkins ran a full 
page ad. in one of the local dailies for thirty 
consecutive days." 

"I'd like to look through the hotel before I 
buy," says Hawkins. 

"Well, I should say so," says I, "and if 
you and Mr. Edulous will follow me, we'll get 
in the car and drive down." 

"We will," says the two in unison. 



THE WASHINGTON JHOUSE 251 

Well, we descended the stairs, boarded the 
car and made our way to The Washington 
House. No sooner had we arrived there than 
Hawkins began to express entire satisfaction 
over the general appearance of the outside, 
and he also thought that it was certainly an 
ideal location. And, once on the inside, Haw- 
kins brought all his eloquence and descriptive 
ability into play, and was not in the least ret- 
icent or unstinted in his expression of satis- 
faction with the hotel in its entirety. 

After Hawkins had unburdened himself of a 
profusion of excess verbiage in his expression 
of satisfaction with the hotel, Mr. Edulous 
was, thereby, led to believe that his prospects 
for disposing of his business to Hawkins were 
excellent. 

Edulous was highly elated, and, in apprecia- 
tion of what Hawkins had said and in anticipa- 
tion of an early sale, he slid open the cigar 
case, asked Hawkins and I to name our par- 
ticular brand of cabbage-leaves, which he slid 
over the counter, and we all proceeded to puff 
on our respective favorites and discourse on 
what would be the most generous terms agree- 
able to Edulous. 



^52 i:he grafter 

''Well," says Mr. Edulous, ''how much 
money can you raise, Mr. Hawkins.^" 

"I can raise the entire ten thousand in six 
months," says Hawkins. "It's this way: 
there's an estate pending in a New York 
court, which will mean the ultimate distribu- 
tion of what has been said to be a little over 
two hundred thousand dollars. My mother's 
third cousin died a few years ago, and in her 
will she left between two and three hundred 
thousand dollars, with which, it was her desire 
that churches and libraries be established for 
the ultimate edification, religiously and in- 
tellectually, of the laity. Certain relatives 
(and one on my behalf) who were deservedly 
entitled to a portion of this estate for dif- 
ferent reasons, contested the will. The estate 
will be settled in six months and I should then 
come into possession of a little over twenty 
thousand dollars, or at least that is the closest 
approximation of my proportion that our at- 
torneys have been able to arrive at. 

"And that is all I could do, Mr. Edulous," 
continued Hawkins. " Either wait six months 
before I purchase the hotel, or else you'll have 
to accept my note for ten thousand, on which 



THE WASHINGTON HOUSE 253 

I think I can get Mr. Simpkins to go security 
without any delay whatever." 

''I don't intend to wait six months before 
I sell that hotel," says Edulous, *'I want to 
retire and your proposition is agreeable to me, 
providing, of course, this man Simpkins will 
go on your note." 

"I'll get him on the 'phone and see if he 
won't consent to such an arrangement. It's 
a pretty big favor to ask a man to go surety 
on one's note for ten thousand, but this 
Simpkins is a gentleman in every sense of the 
word, and is, in a way, obligated to me ; 
therefore, I believe Simpkins would do me 
the favor without a word." 

Hawkins picked up the 'phone and took 
down the receiver. 

*Xentral, let me have East 6342, please," 
says Hawkins. 

"Hello, is this Mr. Simpkins .^^ 

"This is Mr. Hawkins talking, and I'm 
going to impose on your good-nature. It will 
be news to you to know that I will today pur- 
chase The Washington House from a Mr. 
Edulous. The consideration is ten thousand 
dollars^ and Mr. Edulous has signified his 



254 THE GRAFTER 

willingness to accept that amount in the way 
of a note due when the estate is settled, pro- 
viding, of course, I could secure your signature 
thereon. I realize I'm asking a great deal, 
but, in view of the ' kindly feeling and tender 
regard' that has always existed between us, 
I'm going to ask you to go on the note as a 
personal favor. I'm sure I would be glad to 
reciprocate at any time." 

*'It will give me pleasure," says Simpkins. 
*'I certainly consider your word as good as 
your note, Mr. Hawkins, and I will go on 
the note any time you may present it." 

*'I am very grateful to you, Mr. Simpkins, 
I am sure," says Hawkins, "and we'll prob- 
bably drop around and see you later in the 
day." 

Well, Hawkins told Edulous what Simpkins 
had said, and the latter was highly elated to 
think that he was going to dispose of The 
Washington House to John Hawkins, Esq., 
the consideration being a note for $10,000, 
signed by Hawkins with Simpkins 's signature 
appended as security. 

"Well," says I, "you fellows had just as 
well come up to the office and I'll write up a 



THE WASHINGTON HOUSE ^55 

bill of sale. I have blank notes and all the 
necessary papers there." 

So we hopped into the car and went up to 
my office. I dictated a bill of sale to Shorty, 
and while he was writing it up I called Simp- 
kins up on the 'phone and told him we would 
be over in a few minutes. 

The bill of sale was written and a blank 
note filled out, when we all descended the 
stairs, boarded the car and made our way 
direct to the office of The Hon. Colonel David 
Peter Simpkins, Esq. 

Upon arrival thereat we found Simpkins 
busily engaged in perusing the sport columns 
of a local paper and puffing animatedly on one 
of Hawkins's complimentary cigars. It was 
with great reluctance that we interrupted the 
Colonel, as at that time he bore every evidence 
of having been some steel magnate, or a 
financier of unlimited finances, and we thought 
maybe we were intruding. We didn't like 
Simpkins's attitude one bit that day, and his 
face bespoke aversion toward signing the note 
(purely perfunctory, of course, the reader will 
understand) . 

"Mr, Simpkins," says I, "have you ever 



256 THE GRAFTER 

had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Edulous, 
until now proprietor of The Washington 
House?" 

''I have not," says Simpkins, "but I'm 
mighty glad to know you, Mr. Edulous," he 
continued, as he grasped the ex-hotel pro- 
prietor's hand tenderly. 

Well, Simpkins signed the note. The bill 
of sale was signed and the deal was transacted 
in the office of Simpkins and witnessed by 
him. 

After the Edulous gent conversed with 
Simpkins for a few minutes about the enor- 
mity of the latter's one-time real-estate busi- 
ness, we left the office. 

Effective at 6 : 00 p. m. of the afternoon on 
which the deal was closed, Mr. Jno. Hawkins, 
Esq., was proprietor of The Washington 
House. 

At that hour Hawkins emptied the cash 
register, and turned the contents thereof over 
to the Edulous person. Thereupon Hawkins 
was full-fledged owner, and any moneys re- 
ceived thereafter were his and his only. 

Next morning Hawkins, Simpkins and I 
boarded my trusty Peerless and made our 



THE WASHINGTON HOUSE 257 

way to The Washington House. The day 
clerk was on duty, and a score or so of com- 
mercial travelers and hangers-around were 
rendering each other more obscure from vision, 
smoking pills and Havanas ; while others were 
scanning the sport columns of a morning 
paper, or perusing "The Police Gazette," 
"Vanity Fair," or "Uncle Remus," or their 
respective favorite periodicals devoted to liter- 
ature and art. 

The first thing Hawkins did was to punch 
"No Sale" on the cash register and count the 
"morning receipts," which, up to that time, 
were a little over one hundred and thirty- 
eight dollars. 

Simpkins and I were leaning on the cigar 
case and watching Hawkins's every move. 

Hawkins withdrew from the case our fa- 
vorite smoke and we lit up. He leaned over 
the cigar-case and alternately looked at Simp- 
kins and then at me. 

"Just a little over one hundred thirty-eight 
dollars, gentlemen, from 6 o'clock last even- 
ing up to the present writing," Hawkins 
whispered surreptitiously, and we shook 
hands. 



258 THE GRAFTER 

Hawkins was highly elated, and he took 
Simpkins around and showed him through 
the hotel. 

''My dear Simpkins," says Hawkins, "what 
do you think of the proposition?" 

"My dear Hawkins," says Simpkins, "it's 
undoubtedly worth the price. Moreover, the 
mere fact that you would go into the proposi- 
tion convinces me, beyond an iota of doubt, 
that the merit of the business cannot be 
questioned, as I believe it has always been 
your custom to make rigid previous investiga- 
tions as to merit of any particular business 
before purchasing. In fact, from what I have 
learned of you, Hawkins, since we first be- 
came associated in a business way, I want to 
say that I would rest absolute faith in your 
good judgment. And I certainly can't point 
to any part of the transaction that would 
indicate that Mr. Edulous has any the better 
of the bargain." 

"I thank you for your expression of satis- 
faction," says Hawkins, and we all laughed 
heartily. 

"Follow me," says Hawkins, and he took 
us into the Manager's Private Office. 

"I want to do a little phoning," says Haw- 



THE WASHINGTON HOUSE 259 

kins, *'if you gentlemen will pardon me for 
detaining you." 

''Oh, Honorable Proprietor of the Wash- 
ington House," says Simpkins, ''I reckon thee 
can conduct thyself as thee pleaseth in thine 
own place of Business." 

Hawkins picked up the 'phone directory, 
turned to the index under the head of 
''Grocers," and then slowed up. 

"Well," says Hawkins, "I'll honor Mr. 
Alexander by placing the first order with 
him." 

Hawkins looked at Simpkins, then at me, 
and placed the receiver to his ear and smiled. 

"Let me have East 3823, please. Central." 

"Hello, is this Mr. Alexander, the grocer.?" 

"It is," was the response. 

"This is Mr. Hawkins talking, and I might 
say, Mr. Alexander, that I have just assumed 
management of The Washington House, my 
inception dating from six o'clock last evening. 
My predecessor, Mr. Edulous, I understand 
has been trading with another store. 

"And," continued Hawkins, "what I want 
to say to you is this : You have been recom- 
mended to me by a friend as being one of the 
most reliable grocers in Saint Louis, Your 



260 THE GRAFTER 

reliability has been appreciated by this friend 
of mine, who is one of your well-satisfied 
customers." 

''I'm pleased to hear it," says Alex. 

"Yes," says Hawkins, "I want to give you 
my every order, providing you will always 
make an ejffort to fill them promptly and 
satisfactorily. I'll give you my first order 
now," says Hawkins. 

''I'm listening," says Alex. 

"Can you deliver this order early this 
afternoon?" 

"I can," says Alex. 

"Well," says Hawkins, "send me over half 
a dozen dressed turkeys, and I want good 
birds, too." 

"Yes." 

' ' Half -bushel cranberries . ' ' 

"Yes." 

*'Six gallons New York counts." 

"Yes." 

(At this juncture, Simpkins rapped me on 
the elbow and smiled an appreciative smile, 
as he had always maintained that nothing 
was less displeasing to his sense of taste than 
oyster dressing, especially when such con- 



THE WASHINGTON HOUSE 261 

stitutes part of a combination of turkey and 
cranberries, etc.) 

Hawkins pinched himself to keep from 
laughing. 

Two dozen bunches celery." 

Yes." 

One crate stuffed olives." 

Yes." 

One keg Tokay grapes." . 



a 

a- 
a 

"Yes." 

6i 
ii 



One box oranges." 

Yes." 

"One crate pineapples." 
"Yes." 

"One crate Jonathan apples." 
"Yes." 

"Also crate Grimes's Golden apples." 
"Yes." 



"Half -bushel assorted nuts." 

"Yes." 

"Same amount assorted candies ; and don't 
send me that cheap stuff, Mr. Alexander, or 
I'll be compelled to send it back." 

Hawkins paused a moment as though some- 
thing was lacking. 

"Anything in the line of cheese?" says Alex. 



262 THE GRAFTER 

''Yes, send me three pieces of brick cheese." 

"Yes." 

''Three cakes of Roquefort." 

"Yes." 

"Bushel sweet potatoes." 

"Yes." 

"One crate canned asparagus tips." 

"Yes." 

"Keg dill pickles." 

"Yes." 
One crate mushrooms, large size." 
Yes." 
Two dozen loaves rye bread." 

"Anything else you can think oi?'' says 
Alex. 

"Nothing right now," says Hawkins, ''but 
I'll call you up later in the day if I desire to 
increase my order. But remember, Mr. Alex- 
ander," continued Hawkins, "that your future 
business from me depends entirely upon the 
promptness with which you fill this order." 

"I'll have everything there by one o'clock." 

"I thank you," says Hawkins, and he hung 
up the receiver, alternately gazing at Simp- 
kins and me. 

"What's the matter with you, Hawkins?" 
says I, "for the love of Mike what disposition 



THE WASHINGTON HOUSE 26S 

are you going to make of that order? Don't 
you know that a great portion of those fruits 
and stuff is perishable ? I'm afraid you're out 
of your hne ; you'd better go back and work 
your Celebrated Pain Allayer on the dear 
public and get wise." 

"You *no' understand," says Hawkins. It 
takes time for anything to perish. You accuse 
me falsely, as I assure you that the consump- 
tion of the major portion of the order will be 
rapid. Listen, gentlemen : tonight is going to 
be the most memorable night in the history 
of The Washington House. Everything is in 
readiness for a banquet tonight which will, as 
far as quantity and quality of foodstuffs 
furnished, outdo anything of its kind ever be- 
fore given in St. Louis. Yes, invitations were 
printed yesterday and mailed yesterday after- 
noon to every aider, abettor, employer, agent 
(and their wives and sweethearts, if any) who 
has at any time been connected with our re- 
spective businesses, or who has, in any way, 
been instrumental in fostering or promoting 
any of our schemes, to such an extent that we 
have been financially benefitted thereby. 

"Yes, I placed the order last night for 
champagne, wine and beer and cigars, and I 



^64 THE GRAFTER 

want you gentlemen and everyone invited to 
come here tonight prepared to surfeit on all 
that's good to eat. As I have said before, I 
would defy the Belvue-Stratford or the Wal- 
dorf-Astoria to excel in the class of food to be 
furnished." 

"My dear Hawkins," says I, "you're a 
gentleman worthy of recognition in any line, 
and we rise to recognize you." 

"And what's more," continued Hawkins, 
"with this hotel you understand I also ac- 
quired the services of one of the best chefs in 
the country. He used to be head chef in the 
Great Northern, but got into an altercation 
with the management and was canned." 

"I gave him his instructions yesterday, and 
he knows what's coming." 

"What did you tell him.^" says Simpkins. 

"I told him that the local order of the 
Epworth League would be entertaining the 
Order of the International Amalgamated Min- 
isterial Union, and that my Sunday school 
class from Paris would come tonight prepared 
for the biggest feast in their history. 

"From every standpoint it will be an ex- 
clusive affair. Upon the arrival of the last 
guest, all boarders, roomers, patrons and 



THE WASHINGTON HOUSE ^Q5 

hangers-around will be run out of the hotel 
and told not to reappear while hostilities are 
on. The doors will be bolted, and we need 
not fear molestation or interference of any 
kind until we adjourn. 

"For the benefit of certain guests who may 
previously have had no occasion to attend 
such a banquet, or whose knowledge of eti- 
quette may be purely embryonic, it is my 
intention to announce before the repast the 
exact purpose of the congregation. It will 
be understood that the purpose of the banquet 
will be to give each guest the privilege of in- 
capacitating himself or satiating his appetite, 
quenching his or her thirst and discussing with 
other guests matters coming under the pro- 
fession, current topics, or whatever he may 
deem advisable or entertaining, but preferably 
the conversation should be confined to events 
of interest that may have taken place during 
the life of our respective businesses. There- 
fore, we will come to this supper to eat, drink 
and be merry, and, if he chooses, or if the 
champagne produces such a desire, any guest 
may cast aside all manners ; he may eat his 
pie with a spoon or drink his champagne 
through a straw, and he will be allowed to 



^66 THE GRAFTER 

participate just as long as hostilities are on, 
providing he can maintain his equilibrium 
without the aid or assistance of other guests, 
or holding on to his chair." 

Well, I took Simpkins up to the office and 
left Hawkins at The Washington House to 
look after his business interests and arrange 
for the oncoming banquet. And when we 
left him he assured us that everything was in 
readiness, and that we could look forward to 
the affair with anticipation which only time 
would mitigate. 

Well, at 8 : 00 p. m. that evening the guests 
began to arrive. Hawkins and I acted on the 
receiving committee, and at 8:15 just thirty- 
four guests had arrived out of thirty-six in- 
vitations. And after a few minutes the other 
couple phoned that they had just received a 
cable from Bermuda, from which they drew 
that they were heirs to a large estate, and 
under the circumstances they said the sus- 
pense was so terrible that they would be com- 
pelled to decline the invitation with profound 
regret. 

At 8 : 30 John Hawkins, Esquire, delivered 
a short preliminary address, in which he 



THE WASHINGTON HOUSE 267 

thanked those present for so abundantly re- 
sponding to the invitation. 

He also stated that the purpose of the ban- 
quet was to give each guest an opportunity 
to satiate his appetite at the expense of Mr. 
Alexander, a local grocer; to quench his or 
her thirst at the expense of The Port Royal 
Brewing and Distillery Company; and he 
also made special reference to the fact that 
Mr. Edulous, because of his credulity, should 
be given special credit and recognition for 
making the banquet a success, inasmuch as 
that gentleman had furnished the quarters in 
which to hold it. 

Hawkins also, in his preliminary address, 
assured the guests that he took considerable 
pride in informing them that he was able to 
hold such a banquet without one cent having 
been incurred in connection with giving it, 
with the exception of rent and labor. 

Hawkins also acted in the capacity of Toast- 
master, and various toasts were asked for and 
the guests responded generously. 

It would make this story too long to give 
each toast, but one or two of the best will be 
given. 

The Honorable Colonel David Peter Simp- 



£68 THE GRAFTER 

kins, upon a second request from the Toast- 
master to respond in verse, arose and calmly 
said this sweet refrain: 

"There was a certain dupe. 
Who was quick to loop the loop ; 
He was then out of funds, 
But he had seven sons — 
Why shouldn't he quit and recoup?" 

Shorty responded as follows : 

"There was a bank cashier. 
And believe me that man was a dear; 
I sent him a note. 
And he hastily wrote, 
'I am inclosing a draft withhere.' " 

At 10 : 30 the big feast was over, each guest 
was at least temporarily incapacitated, and 
we adjourned to the reception-room, which 
was decorated with chrysanthemums and 
American Beauty roses, for which a Saint 
Louis florist would never receive payment. 

A singer of considerable local repute, who 
had taken voice in Paris, had been engaged by 
Hawkins, and she, accompanied by a violinist 
of some local reputation, rendered a few se- 
lections that were actually pleasing to the ear. 

At 12 : 00 the guests departed, and I have 
no doubt that the evening will go down in the 
memoirs of each as one occasion on which more 



THE WASHINGTON HOUSE 269 

genuine pleasure was crowded into four hours' 
time than they had ever previously experi- 
enced in a week. 

The next day Hawkins called up a few score 
of grocers and placed a large order with each. 

Ten days after his inception he had a cellar 
full of staple and other groceries, some of 
which were perishable, but the patrons of The 
Washington House were being fed luxuriously 
and abundantly and their capacities aug- 
mented. In fact, they grew to like Hawkins, 
and frequently patrons of the hotel would 
personally compliment him on the class and 
quantity of foodstuffs furnished. 

But after two months' business the Retail 
Grocers' Protective Association began to camp 
on the trail of Hawkins ; suits were daily filed 
against him by local grocers for his failure to 
pay outstanding grocery bills. 

In two months he had cleaned up a little 
over ten thousand dollars. But things were 
getting too hot for Hawkins ; suits were daily 
filed against him for non-payment of bills, 
and he called me up one day and expressed his 
intention of severing his connection with The 
Washington House. 



£70 THE GRAFTER 

"Well," says I, "why don't you give it 
back to Mr. Edulous, thank him for his cre- 
dulity, and allow him to retain the note to re- 
member you by or to put with his collection 
of antiques and rarities?" 

"That's what I thought I'd do," says Haw- 
kins, "and I'll call him up and impart to him 
my ultimatum. Yes, I've decided to seek a 
new location. I'm leaving for Frisco at 10 : 00 
tonight. Meet me at the Union Depot at 
9 : 30 and we can have a little talk. I take 
the C. & A. to Kansas City, and then I'll 
catch a through Santa Fe train for Frisco," 

"I will," says I. 



CHAPTER IX. 
THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 

A clear conscience is incompatible with a 
surreptitiously acquired fortune. I had never 
previously had a desire to make such an as- 
sertion until one evening when I, in company 
with John Hawkins, was loitering around a 
certain amusement park in Saint Louis, whil- 
ing away a few hours of what I thought would 
be uneventful time, and it was there that I 
was most strikingly impressed with the in- 
consistency of their coexistence. 

A clear conscience is an asset and a fortune 
is an asset, but I had never previously had 
occasion to form any comparison between the 
two for the purpose of arriving at their relative 
values. 

It was in this amusement park that I first 
felt the poignant sting of chagrin, brought on 
by the disgraceful life I had been leading. It 
was there that I summed up the wrongs and 
also the good things I had done. I did so, 
because I wondered if the good would out- 
weigh the bad and if I could ask forgiveness. 

(271) 



272 THE GRAFTER 

But why should I so suddenly undergo such 
a complete conversion of mind, of character? 
What could there possibly be that would 
engender such a previously unforeseen desire 
to regret the wrong and take up the right? 

It was the charms of a strikingly beautiful 
girl. She was in company with five girls, all 
of whom I found out later were socially prom- 
inent in St. Louis. 

Of course, we infrequently see a charming 
woman, but her eyes met mine, and it seemed 
that she gave me more than a "mere passing 
glance." It was when Hawkins and I were 
making a circuit of the park that I first saw 
her. 

Coincidentally, Hawkins claimed to have 
had an indistinct recollection of having met 
one of the girls in whose company she was 
seen, but he was not sufficiently sure to war- 
rant his accosting her for the purpose of bring- 
ing about an introduction to the girl with 
whom I was infatuated. 

Let me say here that Hawkins, though his 
profession was degrading, was always socially 
prominent wherever he happened to be. He 
always managed to successfully maintain a 
reticent attitude regarding his profession. Or, 



THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 273 

if pressed for information as to what he did 
for a Hvehhood, he was always a member of a 
firm of attorneys and counsellors of New York 
City, on a few years' leave of absence, seeking 
recreation and a rest. 

And Hawkins was always a favorite wher- 
ever he was. He was the kind of a chap to 
whose arm most any girl would be glad to 
cling with tenacity. He was an interesting 
conversationalist, conversant with any subject 
of interest. He was a good dancer, always 
precisely attired, and he could play any part 
in any game his surroundings might suggest. 

For the rest of the evening my thoughts 
were of the girl I had seen that night. 

At my suggestion Hawkins and I left the 
park early, and on our way home I urged him 
to find out, if possible, whether he had at one 
time obtained an introduction to the girl 
whom he thought he had met. 

This was the first time I had ever seen this 
girl, and upon our return from the park I 
resolved that I must see her again. I thought 
she might occasionally spend an evening at 
the park where my eyes had first met hers, 
and I decided to visit the park each evening 
until I would possibly see her again. 



274 THE GRAFTER 

I was finally rewarded for my efforts, and 
in the course of a week from the first evening 
I saw her she alighted from a car and entered 
the park. With her that night were the same 
girls with whom I had previously seen her. 

Hawkins was again with me, and again she 
passed us. As she did so her eyes met mine 
and she smiled, sort o' modest-like, but an ob- 
servant person with an eye for feminine 
beauty and charm could never have forgotten 
nor failed to observe that smile. Of course, 
she might have been just ''kidding" me. 
Whether she was or not I will never know, but 
that smile had a lasting effect. 

She had wavy, golden hair and wonderfully 
speaking blue eyes that momentarily made me 
forget everything but her. 

With her was also a little girl of seven or 
eight summers, and as I watched them stroll- 
ing through the park I wondered if it could 
be possible that she was married, and I 
thought then that it would have been worth 
almost anything to me if I had but known her 
name. 

I left the park again that night, thinking 
possibly she was married. But that did not 
shatter my hopes and expectations, because 



THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 275 

all I wanted was to know who she was, that I 
might watch the papers, peruse the society 
columns daily, and watch her future. Never 
before had I seen anyone with whom I had 
been half so favorably impressed or for whom 
I could care half so much, but I knew that 
she was my superior in every way, and that I 
was ineligible to keep company with her ; or, 
in the event of my having been eligible, I still 
had a conscience, and I knew that night that 
I could never boost myself up high enough to 
place myself on equal social terms with her, 
even though she would permit of such, es- 
pecially in view of the life I had led. So my 
only hopes were to some day ascertain her 
name and watch her future. 

On the following afternoon I met Hawkins, 
and we stopped in front of a department store 
for a few minutes' chat. 

We had talked but a few minutes when a 
double-seated carriage, drawn by a pretty bay 
horse and containing two occupants, drew to 
a stop in front of the store. 

In it was the girl I had seen at the park. She 
remained in the carriage as the other occupant, 
possibly her sister, alighted to do some shop- 
ping. It was on a Saturday afternoon, and 



276 THE GRAFTER 

the streets were thronged. She did not see 
me, but I saw her, and I ceased talking with 
Hawkins. 

"Notice the occupant of the rig," says I; 
and Hawkins looked at her, then at me, and 
smiled. 

Hawkins and I practically ceased talking 
until the other occupant had done her shopping 
and again was in the carriage, and I watched 
the girl in whom I was most interested until 
she was obscure from vision amid the throng 
of autos, street cars, etc, 

''You can all talk about your 'pippins' and 
'paragons of feminine beauty and pulchri- 
tude,' " says I, "but, my dear Hawkins, that 
girl is in a class by herself." 

"I heartily concur in your expression of 
opinion, and have no argument," says Haw- 
kins. 

Of course she was the topic of conversation 
for an hour or so, and Hawkins and I went to 
lunch. 

"I believe I'll go out to the park tomorrow 
evening," says I. 

"I don't blame you in the least," says 
Hawkins — "especially if you thought there 
were any hopes of seeing her." 



THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 277 

The next evening Hawkins and I went to 
the park. Again I saw the girl whose smile 
I could not forget. She was accompanied by 
the same girls with whom I had previously 
seen her at the park. 

But she was a cynosure to me, and I 
watched her as she strolled through the park. 
She and her friends took advantage of most 
of the features of amusement the park af- 
forded, and they seldom passed up an attrac- 
tion. I watched her as she boarded the 
"figure eight." I watched her as she seated 
herself in the circular swing and, as the swing 
carried her through the still night air, the 
thrill of her voice and alternate resonant 
laughter permeated the ambient atmosphere 
and was music to my ears. And when she 
alighted from the swing the electrical il- 
lumination the park afforded made it possible 
for me to see her plainly. She was laughing, 
with her friends, as one sometimes does when 
taking in park attractions. 

At about ten o'clock that evening Hawkins 
and I boarded a car for town, as did also the 
girl whom I had been making special trips 
to the park to see. Hawkins lived not far 
from the park, and as the car neared his home 



278 THE GRAFTEfl 

he alighted and disappeared into the night, 
leaving me alone to think of the girl I loved, 
and admonishing me not to do anything rash. 

As the car carried us toward town I cast 
furtive glances at her, and I wondered if I 
would ever get to ascertain who she was. She 
was not only beautiful, but she was charming, 
and there was something about her manner 
that appealed to me. 

I alighted from the car at a certain street 
where I might get a car that would take me 
home, and, strange though it may seem, she 
got ojff at the same place to transfer. Her 
friends, evidently living in another part of 
town, remained on the car and left her alone 
to transfer at 10 : 30 p. m. 

My car finally came, but I passed it up. I 
could not leave her alone at that hour of the 
night, and I thought, too, I would w^ait and 
see what car she took, as it w^ould possibly 
aid me in establishing her identity. 

That night she was attired in white, with the 
exception of a black silk coat, the lapel of 
which was trimmed with white fussy lace- 
work. 

I stood there admiring her as she was wait- 
ing for her car, and I wondered what she 



THJE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME ^7& 

would think if I took the same car. I thought 
if I did, I might then learn the street where 
she would get off, and I could then possibly 
learn her identity with the aid of a telephone 
or city directory. 

Finally a car came and she boarded it. I 
tried to fight off the desire to board the same 
car, but something seemed to draw me toward 
her, and my efforts to do so were futile. 

Street after street was passed, and, as time 
went on, the more I began to realize that I 
was doing wrong. Yet I felt that if she but 
knew my thoughts she would understand. 

As the car neared her home, she alighted at 
Delmar Avenue. I tried to stay on the car, 
but I could not. My fleeting thoughts were 
that it would be ridiculously absurd to accost 
her, but I was so enamored by her rare beauty 
and attractiveness that my knowledge of what 
was right momentarily left me. 

After she alighted, I did likewise. 

"Could I please beg your pardon and say a 
few words .^" says I. 

"You may," she says, "but this is very 
unusual, isn't it.^^" 

"I heartily agree with you," says I, "but 
you are an unusual girl. I already profoundly 



^BO ^:he grafter 

regret what I have done," says I, "and you are 
mighty condescending even to momentarily 
consider what I have to say, but I recall hav- 
ing seen you at the park on several different 
occasions, and I couldn't very well think of 
your being out alone at this hour of the night." 

"Yes," she said, "I recall the occasions you 
have in mind. I guess I was about as bad 
as you were, but you know how girls are. We 
were just having a little fun." 

I walked with her for half a block, when she 
stopped, presumably in front of her home. 

"I certainly hope you will pardon me for 
what I have done," says I, "and I hope 
you will understand just how things are. You 
well know that I have not accosted you 
through lack of respect for you. You also 
know that it wasn't because of lack of knowl- 
edge of w^hat is right — I merely forgot myself, 
and became so enamored by your rare beauty 
and attractiveness that my knowledge of right 
left me and I disregarded the conventions." 

"I will," she said. 

She evidently must have known my 
thoughts or she would not have listened to 
what I had to say. I was surprised. She 
talked with me for several minutes. As the 



THE iPUNISHMENT FITS THE CHIME 281 

time flew by, I just began to realize what I 
had done, and come to my senses. I was so 
surprised at her paying even momentary con- 
sideration to what I said, that it all seemed 
unreal to me. She must have known my 
thoughts, or, when I accosted her, she would 
have made a different response to my first re- 
mark and told me to go back home where I 
belonged. As I came to my senses I won- 
dered that she didn't take me for some harm- 
less crank and scream, but she must have 
known my thoughts. 

"What I have done tonight," says I, ''is 
absolutely unpardonable, but, if you will over- 
look this wrong, I would certainly be pleased 
to meet you, or rather to ascertain your 
name." 

"Well," she said, "it's agreeable to me, pro- 
viding mutual friends can bring us together." 

I claim intimate acquaintance with a num- 
ber of locally prominent people, but St. 
Louis is a good-sized city, and I thought it 
would be highly improbable that I could call 
to mind anyone whom she would know. 

I gave her the names of several acquaint- 
ances whom I thought it barely possible she 
might know, but she knew none of them. I 



282 TfitE GilAFTlill 

gave her my name, and as I did so I thought 
of my profession and regretted, as I had never 
before, that it had always been an illegiti- 
mate one and was something of which I was 
ashamed. I regretted every wrong I had 
ever done. 

I asked for her name, but she refused to 
give it. To refuse, of course, would have 
been the only proper thing for her to do, be- 
cause my request was absurd and I had no 
reason to expect a girl like her to comply 
therewith. 

As we stood there talking, in the stillness of 
the night, a full moon penetrated the density 
of a big elm tree and made it possible to see 
her face almost as plainly as day. I looked 
into her eyes, and I thought I had never seen 
anyone so beautiful and winsome. 

Since I was a chap sixteen I had always had 
a few girl friends. In fact, I had one or two 
for whom I at one time thought I cared a 
great deal, but, as I stood there and looked 
into her eyes, I immediately came to the con- 
clusion that I had previously only had a vague 
conception of what real love was. 

It was almost 11 : 00 p. m., and I felt that I 



"lilB PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 28S 

should not detain her longer, though there 
were lots of things I would have liked to say. 

I bade her good-night, and watched her 
until she ascended the porch steps and in- 
gressed. 

Then I started for the corner to catch a car, 
but little I would have cared if I had missed 
it. My thoughts were of her and her only. 

I went to the corner where she had alighted 
from the car. I lit a match and looked at the 
street-crossing sign, that I might positively 
identify the neighborhood in which she lived. 

I jotted the name of the street down in my 
memorandum book, and made note that she 
lived so many houses to the left on Delmar 
Avenue from where I had alighted. 

And as I stood there waiting for my car I 
thought of her, and as the moments passed I 
grew more to realize what I had done. Mo- 
mentarily I despised myself for the wrong I 
had done this girl by accosting her unconven- 
tionally as I did. And I hoped then to some 
day have a few minutes' talk with her and 
again ask her forgiveness for such an un- 
pardonable offense. 

I knew then that, even though I had been 



^84 THE GRAFTER 

eligible and even though she had thought 
fairly well of me, I had, by my action, pre- 
cluded the desirability of a more advanced 
acquaintance. That was something neither 
she nor her folks could ever forget. Even 
though she had thought fairly well of me and 
desired an acquaintance, her folks would have 
asked her where she had met me ; and imagine, 
dear reader, how such a girl would have liked 
to tell her folks that she had seen me at the 
park and I had followed her home. 

My car finally came, and at 12 : 30 I was 
home. 

I soon retired, but sleep would not come. 
My thoughts alternately drifted. I would 
think of her, of the wrong I had done her, and 
then of my degrading profession. 

But, try and try as I would, sleep would not 
come. I arose after a time and took a glass 
of wine, thinking possibly it might tend to 
produce sleep, but it did not serve the purpose. 

The next day I went to the office and I 
tried not to think of her. But my efforts to 
shake off the thoughts of her were unsuccessful, 
and, as I thought of my past, I wished that 
I had never seen her. 

I picked up a morning paper and tried to 



THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 285 

read, but I could not do so, and found that 
I was only mechanically scanning the head- 
lines of first one column, then another. 

The postman came, and I opened the mail 
and mechanically picked out the money and 
cast the mail aside without reading it. 

I wished then that some one would have 
called at the office and talked on advertising 
for a time, that I might have had a diversion 
of thought. And possibly had that wish come 
true, I would then have wanted to be left 
alone to think of her. 

I left the office early in the forenoon. I 
told Shorty I was going with a friend to 
lunch, and that I would not return to the 
office that day. I thought I would go out 
in the fresh air and take a walk, and that 
I would possibly feel better after having spent 
such a restless night. 

The next day was a restless one, and when 
I retired that night I again found myself 
utterly unable to sleep, and my head ached 
as though it would burst. Though I was not 
accustomed to such, at 3 : 00 a. m. I arose and 
drank half a bottle of wine; it had the de- 
sired effect, and I closed my eyes for a few 
hours' sleep, to dream of the girl I loved, 



286 THE GRAFTER 

Days passed, and it was but little interest I 
could take in the affairs of the office or any- 
thing else. My thoughts were all of her. I 
infrequently saw her driving through the 
streets of St. Louis. She was always in the 
carriage in which Hawkins and I had seen 
her in front of a department store. 

As the days passed, the more I hoped that 
mutual friends would bring us together, 
merely for the purpose of giving me an op- 
portunity to apologize to her for having 
wounded her feelings the evening I accosted 
her. 

Of course, on that evening she talked very 
courteously and affably, and her manner and 
attitude would have led me to believe that 
she was not offended. But, down in her 
heart she could not have been otherwise, and 
must have felt as though I was rather incon- 
siderate and eccentric ; or, on the other hand, 
as before said, she must have known my 
thoughts and realized that I merely forgot 
myself. 

In the course of ten days I saw her several 
times, riding in the carriage in which Hawkins 
and I had seen her in front of the department 
store, I wondered how I could ascertain her 



THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 287 

name. I thought if I could procure it, I 
would immediately write her a note of 
apology. I made inquiry from two or three 
girl friends, whom I knew intimately and who 
lived in close proximity to the girl of my 
dreams. But, from the description of the 
girl and the location I had given them, they 
seemed to be unable to give me any enlighten- 
ment. 

One day Hawkins, all wreathed in smiles, 
drifted into the office. 

"My dear co-worker," says Hawkins, ''I 
have some news." 

"What's that.?" says I. 

"Well," says Hawkins, "I was with a girl 
friend today, and we incidentally saw one of 
the girls with whom we saw your 'friend' at 
the park. They spoke, and I asked my friend 
if she was intimately acquainted with the 
party. I found that she bore only a remote 
acquaintance with her, but that she knew her 
name. 

"Johnstone is her name, and she lives in 
the southwest part of the city." 

"So far, so good," says I. 

I bore an intimate acquaintance with a 
girl who had, a year prior thereto, been grad- 



£88 THE GRAFTER 

uated from Vassar. She had, subsequent to 
her graduation, made her debut in society. 
She was locally prominent socially, and I 
thought it highly probably that she would 
know Miss Johnstone, whose name Hawkins 
had obtained from his friend, and who might 
be able to disclose the identity of the girl with 
whom I was infatuated. Genevieve Dolde 
was the co-ed's name, and I knew she lived 
in close propinquity to Miss Johnstone. 

I have always found that a girl is the 
world's greatest matchmaker, and, if a man 
don't come up to her ''plans and specifica- 
tions" of her ''ideal," she is always glad to 
be instrumental in having him meet someone 
in whom he is interested. Therefore, in view 
of the intimacy of my acquaintance with Miss 
Dolde, I had no hesitancy in calling on her for 
assistance. 

So I called Miss Dolde on the 'phone and 
asked permission to hold an interview with 
her on a subject of vast importance. 

She readily acquiesced, and I went out to 
her home. 

Unceremoniously and without any refer- 
ence to the weather or current topics, I asked 



THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 289 

her if she knew a Miss Johnstone, who Hved 
somewhere in her neighborhood. 

*' Yes," she said, "I am remotely acquainted 
with a family by that name who live but a few 
blocks from here. There are four girls in the 
family, and they always seem to be well rep- 
resented at the best social functions in town. 

"Why do you ask.'^" she inquired. 

''It's this way, Genevieve," says I: ''I 
am very much infatuated with a girl with 
whom I have seen these Johnstone girls at 
the park." 

*'0h, I see," she said ; "in other words, you 
are, literally speaking, in love." 

"I am," says I. 

"And you don't know the girl.^^" 

"I am sorry to say I do not. Miss Dolde, 
but it was merely love at first sight, and she 
is one that I just can't forget." 

"Do you recall any particular girl in whose 
company the Johnstone girls are frequently 
seen.f^" I inquired. 

"Oh, they have so much company," she 
said, "that it would be useless for me to try 
to recall the girl you have in mind. 

"Well, I'll call one of the Johnstone girls 
on the 'phone. I don't know her very well. 



290 THE GRAFTER 

but she'll understand the situation, and can 
possibly aid in establishing the identity of the 
girl you saw at the park. If I call her up I 
suppose you would want to meet the girl im- 
mediately." 

"I don't know, Genevieve," says I ; "I did 
her a wrong by accosting her on the street, 
and I don't believe she would care to meet me. 
Her name is all I want." 

"Oh, I see," she said, as she seemed to 
realize my feelings. 

I then narrated to her just how it came 
about that I accosted the charming but un- 
identified young lady as I did, and she listened 
to my narration with excited attentiveness. 

"I am awfully sorry," she said; "and all 
you want is her name ? " 

"It is all I am entitled to under the cir- 
cumstances," says I, "and I never want more 
than that to which I am entitled." 

"Well, I'll call Helen up now," she said. 

"Give me Main 4511, Central," says Gene- 
vieve as she placed the receiver to her ear. 

"Hello, is this Johnstones' residence.^" 

"It is," was the response. 

"I'd like to talk with Miss Helen, if you 
please," she said. 



THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 291 

"This is Helen talking." 

*'This is Miss Dolde talking. I'm after in- 
formation, Miss Johnstone, and it's a love 
affair, of course," she said, laughingly. 

"I have a gentleman friend who is very 
much infatuated with a girl in whose com- 
pany he claims to have seen you two weeks ago 
Tuesday night at the park. Of course, a man 
in love is liable to say most anything; but 
he says she's unlike any other girl he has ever 
seen; that there is something especial about 
her manner that appeals to him; that she 
has eyes that just simply make him forget 
everything but her, and I think, Helen, that 
she must be 'some girl' if all he says is true." 

"Well," says Miss Johnstone, "I don't re- 
call just who was with us on the particular 
evening you mention, but possibly it might 
have been Lillian O'Neill or Josephine An- 
drews." 

"Do either of them ride around in a double- 
seated carriage .f^" 

"I don't recall that they do, but this Miss 
Andrews of whom I speak is unusually at- 
tractive-looking, and possibly she is the one 
to whom your friend refers. I'll do anything 
I can for you, or rather your friend. Gene- 



292 THE GRAFTER 

vieve, and I hope that we can ascertain just 
who it is, as I know the suspense must be 
terrible." 

''I thank you very much," says Gene- 
vieve, and she hung up the receiver, without 
having secured much definite information." 

''I certainly feel grateful to you for your 
efforts, Genevieve," says I, ''and if there is 
anything you can do for me I feel sure that 
you will." 

''I know just exactly how you feel," she 
said. ''You are entirely welcome, I am sure, 
and I will procure her name if it is possible 
to obtain it." 

I again thanked her, and left the house to 
catch an ingoing car, and made my way to 
the office. And as I went I tried to associate 
the words Josephine Andrews with the girl I 
loved. 

As the days of restlessness and anxiety 
passed, the suspense was punishment to me, 
but infrequently I would see her drive through 
the streets of St. Louis, and, as I would look 
at her and admire her, I would recall all that 
had taken place since I had first seen her. I 
would enumerate to myself the different times 
I had seen her since I had first seen her at 



THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 293 

the park; I would alternately think of her 
and my past record. 

With one or two of my most intimate 
friends I would talk of this girl. I would 
narrate to them all that had taken place since 
I first began to know of her. 

"It's a mystery to me," says one of my 
intimate friends, "how you could care so 
much for this girl without having a more ad- 
vanced acquaintance and knowing more of 
her." 

"Well," says I, "if you would but see the 
girl you would then understand. I claim to 
be a judge of human nature myself. My past 
has been such that I have been in constant 
association with all classes of people, and one 
of my naturally acquired attainments is my 
capability to judge human nature. And I 
want to say that I would not care to know 
more of this girl than to get one look into her 
eyes. Her face bespeaks what she is. She 
is not only handsome, but her face bespeaks 
a nobility of character, a sweetness of dispo- 
sition, and that she has always been ac- 
customed to the best social environment. 
But that is not all : she is so unassuming and 
unostentatious, and that, combined with her 



294 THE GRAFTER 

personal charm, makes her the most attractive 
girl I have ever seen. Of course, we infre- 
quently see a charming woman, but invari- 
ably it is the case that her charms are 
diminished because her very attitude makes 
it apparent that she is too much aware of her 
charms. Great personal charm or intellectual 
attainments, for instance, are to be desired 
and admired, but persons who possess such 
are doubly admired when they do not let it 
become apparent that they are too much 
aware of the fact. And that is another reason 
why I so admired this girl, because she was so 
unassuming and unostentatious, yet she pos- 
sessed all the requisites that generally exist 
with a fondness for pomp and ostentation. 

As the days passed, the more I felt that I 
must apologize and express to her my admira- 
tion for her, and also my appreciation of the 
honor she did me by even momentarily con- 
sidering what I said. 

After a time, I gave up ever getting a 
formal introduction to her ; but I must apolo- 
gize to her, thought I, in some way or another, 
and I decided to write her a note to be handed 
to her when next I might see her on the street, 



THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 295 

if conditions were such that it would not be 
humihating to her. 

I, therefore, wrote the following letter, 
which I perused time and time again. I then 
sealed it and put it in my pocket, where I 
intended it should remain until I could hand 
it to her : 

"I know my utter disregard for the conventions seems ap- 
palling to you, and I once again ask your pardon for writing that 
which must be said or written (and I write only because a formal 
introduction looks highly improbable and could hardly be de- 
sired by you), and, under those circumstances, I know it would 
be far less humiliating to you for me to write what I have to say 
than it would to unconventionally accost you on the street and 
talk with you. 

"I again ask your pardon for the wrong I did you on the 
evening you will recall. 

"And I must tell you that I cannot forget the paramount 
honor you did me when you intimated that, after a formal intro- 
duction, you might grant me the privilege of calling on you, and 
for a time thereafter I was in a restless state of anxious anticipa- 
tion as to the outcome of my unceremonious self-introduction. 
But I assume, if you were good enough to make inquiry concern- 
ing me, that the result was unfavorable to me. However, I 
should have known that my expectations were too high, and that 
you could not have consistently condescended to permit me to 
call on you. In fact, I really had no expectations other than to 
obtain your name, which would enable me to watch your future. 
On the evening I talked with you I was so elated at your even 
momentarily considering what I said and not showing any out- 
ward evidence of becoming incensed, that, when you asked whom 
I knew, I stupidly gave you but one or two names, when I 
might just as well have given you the names of a number of 



296 THE GRAFTER 

locally prominent people with whom I claim intimate acquaint- 
ance. 

"I will admit that you have said nothing that gives me any 
special incentive for writing that which I have written, but I 
felt that I must in some manner apologize for my unconven- 
tionality ; and, in doing so, I cannot resist expressing my thoughts. 
I know you will believe me when I write that I have really tried 
hard, but my efforts have been futile, to fight off the desire to 
tell you that I have never seen anyone with whom I have been 
half so favorably impressed, or for whom I could care half so 
much; in other words, I've read of girls like you in fiction, but, 
until I saw you at the park, I never thought such a girl existed. 

"I will frequently think of you (or, to write with exactness, I 
will infrequently cease thinking of you), but, not knowing your 
name, will hear nothing, even through the daily papers, that will 
help me to gauge and stimulate my thoughts, and can, therefore, 
think only indistinctly, but I must tell you that your most 
intimate friends can never wish you better wishes than do I. 

"This note is being written on June 17th, and the sentiment 
expressed therein is absolutely unalterable, unless annoying to 
you. It might not reach you for some time, but I am afraid I 
cannot keep from handing it to you when next I see you, if the 
conditions are favorable to your not being humiliated thereby. 

"Please don't think that I expect so much as a formal in- 
troduction, as I assure you my expectations are not that high. 
But the suspense has been terrible, and I could not resist apol- 
ogizing through one source or another, and also expressing my 
admiration for you. 

"Once again I ask your pardon, and, with perpetual good 
wishes, I am, (Signed)" 

I pocketed the letter, and resolved that I 
would never unseal it. I thought if I could 
ascertain her name through any source I 
would merely address it to her. 



THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 297 

I frequently saw her on the street, but she 
was never alone, and of course I would not 
subject her to the humiliation of handing her 
the letter while she was in company with a 
friend. 

One day Hawkins came to the office un- 
usually early, dropped into a leather chair and 
looked me straight in the eye. He was smil- 
ing, but he did not say a word for a time. 

"My dear co-worker," says Hawkins, "I 
saw 'the pippin' last night." 

"Where.?" says I. 

"She was in the back seat of a new Cadillac 
car." 

"Did you notice the license number .?" says I. 

"Yes, it was 34008." 

"My dear Hawkins," says I, "you're a 
gentleman," and I shook his hand as though 
he had been a long-lost brother. 

I looked at the 'phone directory and 
scanned the index for the phone number of 
the City Clerk. All my emotions were 
aroused as I went to the 'phone and took down 
the receiver. 

"Give me 6700 East, please, Central." 

"Hello; City Clerk.?" 



298 THE GRAFTER 



"It '- " 



IS. 

'* Would you please tell me to whom auto 
license 34008 was issued?" 

''Just a minute," he responded. 

''No. 34008 was issued to Miss Josephine 
Andrews, Cadillac car, 6325 Delmar Avenue." 

"Thank you," says I. 

"Well, my dear Hawkins," says I, "it 
looks as though that should establish her 
identity beyond a question." 

"It does," says Hawkins. 

"I have written her a note," says I, "in 
which I apologized for having unconvention- 
ally accosted her on the street. I intended to 
hand it to her when next I saw her, but I'll 
just address it to her at that number. It 
must be she without a doubt." 

I took the letter from my pocket and ad- 
dressed it to her, making sure that the num- 
ber was correct, and handed it to a postman 
who was just making a delivery. 

The letter was written in such a way that 
it called for no reply, and I did not expect 
one, but, to my great surprise, in a few days 
I received an unsigned communication as 
follows : 

"I received a letter a few days ago addressed to Miss Josephine 



THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 299 

Andrews, but really that is not my name. Please don't think 
I'm a 'prig' if I don't give it to you, as it makes things so much 
more interesting and exciting as long as you don't know who I 
am." 

I perused that note time and time again, 
and I drew the assumption therefrom that 
my note had finally reached the girl I had 
first seen at the park. But I wasn't satisfied 
then, nor would I be until I knew her name, 
and I wondered who the girl was that read 
the note. 

As the days passed I saw her riding through 
the streets of St. Louis in this new Cadillac 
car, in which there were generally three oc- 
cupants besides herself. I thought that she 
must have been visiting Miss Andrews, and 
I perused the society columns daily to see if 
I could see an item to that effect. 

I would frequently call up certain girl 
friends to whom I had made application for 
assistance in establishing her identity. I had 
said so much about her to one or two inti- 
mate friends that they grew exceedingly 
anxious to learn who she was ; and they were 
untiring in their efforts to assist. 

One day Miss Dolde called me up and re- 
quested that I call at her home for a few 
minutes. Upon arrival there she introduced 



300 THE GRAFTER 

me to three girl friends, none of whom I had 
ever met. But she had been talking with 
them about the girl whose identity I was en- 
deavoring to establish, and of course they all 
accused me of being in love, and wanted me 
to describe the young lady. 

"Don't ask me for details," says I; *'niy 
descriptive ability is poor, but my judgment 
is the very best, and, according to my classi- 
fication, she's class 1, and her standing in that 
class is of the very highest order. She's the 
size and she's got the eyes and there's some- 
thing about her that appeals to me. I have 
frequently seen her in a new Cadillac car No. 
34008, the license number having been issued 
a few days ago. 

"I have a girl friend," says one of them, 
*'whom I have seen in that car a number of 
times, and I'll talk with her on the phone and 
see what she knows. May be she's the 
'guilty' one." 

She called some number and asked for 
Ruth. 

"Hello, is this Ruth.?" 

"It is," was the response. 

"This is So-and-so, and I want to know, 
Ruth, who it is rides around in that new 



THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 301 

Cadillac car 34008. I saw you in it a number 
of times, and a friend is very anxious to know 
one of the occupants thereof. We girls were 
just talking it over, and I thought it might 
be you." 

"No," she said, *'it isn't me, but I'll tell 
you who it is. I know all about it. It is 
Camilla Andrews, a sister of Josephine, who 
owns the car. Yes, I remember of having 
seen the chap to whom you no doubt refer. 
He seems to have developed a keen eye for 
the car, or rather for Camilla, and we girls 
hardly ever pass him without detection." 

I thanked the girls who had been instru- 
mental in establishing her identity, and made 
my way to the office. I whispered the words 
"Camilla, Camilla," to myself time and time 
again, and my thoughts were of her and her 
only. Then that I had her name, my expec- 
tations were realized. 

It was about twelve months from the time 
I first began to know of Miss Andrews that, 
through a mutual friend, I incidentally ob- 
tained a formal introduction to her. 

The mutual friend, however, knew nothing 
of my infatuation for Miss Andrews, at the 



302 THE GRAFTER 

time, and he looked at me in utter consterna- 
tion when the charming Girl of My Dreams 
extended to me an invitation to call at her 
home. 

In view of my past record I did not feel as 
though I were eligible to call on her with any 
degree of regularity, but of course I thought 
it would do no harm to accept her conde- 
scending proffer, as I thought this would give 
me an opportunity to tell her some things 
which she would possibly be indisposed to be- 
lieve if I would back up my statements with 
an affidavit. 

In the course of a week from the time I had 
received an introduction to her, I called her 
on the 'phone and asked when it might be 
agreeable to her for me to accept of the in- 
vitation to call at her home. 

She named an evening agreeable to her, and 
for a couple of months I called at her home 
regularly. 

I found her to be in every way just what 
her face bespoke she was from the time I had 
first begun to know of her. In addition to 
her beauty and personal charm, she had, a 
year or so previous, been graduated from 



THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 303 

Vassar, and she was a girl of a cultured mind 
and rare intellectual attainments. 

But every time I called at her home my 
conscience smote me — ^I felt that it was a 
foolish condescension on her part to permit 
of this. 

But however long I might continue calling 
at her home, I knew it would only be a matter 
of time until I would be obliged to tell her 
all, and I certainly would tell her nothing but 
the truth. And every time I was with her I 
would resolve, to myself, to make a complete 
confession, after which time I knew she would 
not longer permit me to call on her. 

I thought I could never muster up courage 
to tell the one I loved best of my degrading 
profession, because I always wanted to retain 
her good-will, if it existed, as long as I was 
unworthy of her love. 

One evening Camilla and I had returned 
from the theatre. The stillness and serenity 
of the night were made inspiring as the stars 
seemed to look down upon us and ask us what 
we had to say, and, at her suggestion, we 
seated ourselves in a porch swing. 

The veranda in front of her home was made 



304 THE GRA.FTER 

picturesque by a network of intermingling 
honeysuckles and crimson ramblers, through 
which could be seen a full moon in all its 
radiance and beauty. 

But I needed no inspiration. The thoughts 
of her and of the past were all the inspiration 
I needed. As I took her hand in mine and 
looked into her eyes, the radiance of the moon 
made it possible to see her plainly, and I 
could not longer conceal my thoughts. I 
forgot everything I had ever done. 

''Camilla, little girl, I have known you for 
only a few weeks, but you are the same little 
girl I thought you were when I first saw you 
at the park months and months ago, and each 
of those months has seemed like a year to me. 

"I cannot tell you exactly how I have 
spent my time since then, because if I did I'm 
afraid you'd think that love is more pathetic 
than humorous. 

"Though in reality you have been with me 
but little since the first time I saw you, yet 
in my work, in my thoughts and my dreams 
you have been with me ever since I first be- 
gan to know of you. Wherever I go or what- 
ever I do, my thoughts, little girl, have been 
of you. 



THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME 305 

"And those thoughts have done more for 
me than anything I can recall. You know it 
is by our thoughts that we live — ^by them 
characters are moulded and happiness is 
gauged, and, since I first began to know of 
you, my thoughts have been of you and you 
only, and those thoughts have created an al- 
ways existent desire on my part to live up to 
the Golden Rule, to choose the right with 
invincible resolution, and to do nothing of 
which you would disapprove. 

"Before I began to know of you, Camilla, I 
had known a few girls, one or two of whom I 
cared a great deal for, but, when I first saw 
you, I immediately came to the conclusion 
that I had never previously had the slightest 
conception of what real love was. 

"If I should tell you that I never hear or see 
anything beautiful but what I wish that you 
were by my side, you would possibly say my 
love was mythical and imaginary ; but it is 
true. 

"Since I first saw you I have never read a 
quotation written to promote happiness or 
righteous living but what I have thought of 
you ; I have never perused a verse of poetry 
that carried with it noble or beautiful senti- 



306 THE GRAFTER 

ment but what I have thought of you; I 
have never heard a strain of harmonious 
music but what I have thought of you; I 
have never heard the birds break the serenity 
of the day by nature's music but what I have 
thought of you ; I have never passed the es- 
tabhshment of a florist but what I have ad- 
mired the beautiful roses, carnations, etc., 
and thought of you. There never has been 
a day pass but what I have hoped that you 
would, during that and every day to come, be 
made happy by some benignant act of some 
one who knows you or in whom you are 
interested ; and, wherever I have been, there 
has never been a night pass since I first saw 
you but what, before I closed my eyes in 
sleep, I have looked out the window and tried 
to locate the biggest and brightest star I 
could find and I have talked to that star and 
asked it to make you happy." 

"First tell me," she said, "if you know a 
man by the name of Hawkins." 

"Camilla, little girl, I do, and I cannot ask 
your forgiveness." 



THE END. 



FEB 24 1912 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 



FEB ■ M ^^^? 



